confused.....want to do something.....

[girlfromipanema]

I'm sorry your day was so yucky. Skip the self-help section for now, and get the book I recommended this morning: Eat, Pray, Love. Seriously.

Know that you're gonna be OK. People who've been at this for awhile will tell you that you come here to save your marriage and you end up saving yourself. It's true. It's OK to cry and hurt. It's part of the process. Wish I could give you a hug.

[orchid01]

Thank you all for so much support. Its humbling that people who have never even met me, are being my greatest support at a time when I don't know up from down.

Unfortunately, I did not make it tonight. I called H and of course he did not pick up or call back, but I left a message. That accomplished absolutely nothing........but, my panic subsided and I was able to gain some control over my emotions.

Even WITH all of you - I failed today. But, I will try again tomorrow....nothing more to do today. I watched "the women" with meg ryan and basically she did the same thing that pearlharbr has been trying to get me to do.

She reinvented herself. She stopped being afraid of being alone.

I realized today I do not know what I want for myself. I have always wanted to be married and be happy in my marriage and find fulfilment there.

.......but obviously, that is not enough......I am so old school sometimes...and lazy.......I think maybe I just wanted to sit back and enjoy living my married life and I stopped working on myself bc I thought I had a fall back.......my H! HUM....just thought that.

Before I met my H, I actually was so close to just living my life for myself...... finally. I thought I was living my life for myself.

I have lost my way in this last year for sure.

I never got around to me really and so I just don't really know what I want. I know I want my career.....its the place where I feel better than I have ever felt with or without anyone.

Its a very big thing actually. H would not let me give up on it....even when I did......he pushed and pushed me to get here. I really am happy I will be starting my job in a month's time.


I have always been so vague (as my sister calls it) about what I wanted...so that I could adjust to whatever life had in store for me. Its always rough initially, but I dig my heals in....

I was just looking for honor and loyalty and happiness........vague and dreamy. It seems that this is NOT a good approach.

I need to make goals that are more concrete.........but, before I do that......I need to figure out what it is I want out of my life.

I don't know how to do this. I guess I have myself my first goal!

Ok enough journalling today, I think. I feel like a mess. Sigh.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day! Thank you again to all of you who are standing with me.......even as I fall. Truely beautiful.

[orchid01]

Journaling....

I don't know when this going to sleep at 1am and getting up at 6am is going to stop. I feel like its definately taking its toll on me. I am fatigued and weirdly enough my body is achy. I am doing nothing but crying and sitting and yet, I feel dehydrated. I keep dreaming about him....how do you stop that?

I read yesterday that 52% of all marriages fail within 5 years of marriage. That is a very high %! Why did I think we were above this statistic? Why didn't I plan better with him? I knew that he did not really have anyone else he really trusted except for me. That is a dangerous situation to begin with. One person cannot be another person's everything. H is not reaching out to anyone bc he does not feel like he has anyone to reach out to. No way for me to fix this. He has me. He knows it. He can reach out to me, but chooses not to. I must accept this. I cannot cajole or emotionally blackmail him out of this. It is not my syle to be sneaky anyways. I want honesty from him.

Goal 1 - I need to get out for a walk today. Even if for only 15 min. Or do some form of exercise.

Goal 2 - I need to drink 6 glasses of water today.

Goal 3 - I will not email/text/call H for today. If he calls, I will not pick up and I will let at least 3 hours go by.

Goal 4 - I will read and dedicate myself to one hour for my career...

Goal 5 - I will not continuously check my phone today. I will keep it off until 5 pm today......as if I was at work!

Goal 6 - I will watch Yes Man today.

Goal 7 - No despair/dwelling on sitch until 5pm

Ok. These are the goals for today. I think for awhile I need to just have daily goals. I need to start keeping my promises to myself.

The days seem so long and they are so unstructured. Pearlharbr, how do you keep yourself busy and not thinking about xBF? I should have gone on gmail with you yesterday. I had a very bad day. The thought came to me that in a few weeks I will have no time....how can we or I solve anything when I have no time and he is avoiding me? I will be working 60 hrs/wk and exhausted everyday. How am I going to have any energy left to work on M?

I felt the walls closing in.....I was in panic mode and I was reacting to these thoughts going in and out of my mind even though the reality has not changed. Its still the same.

I got the pics of my friend's son and he just turned 2. He is adorable and all I could think was that I will not have one of my own. We were supposed to start trying in the next year...Not that I feel like I have to have kids, but it will no longer be an option. I felt saddness at all that is lost.

On the other hand, H has left and given me everything to manage on my own. And from reading other people's stories, having a child does not stop this from happening. So in a way, good thing we do not have kids. H and our M is definately not ready for that...and now, I am not sure I would want to have kids. How so many people deal with it is amazing to me! It seems like a double edged sword......on the one hand you will always have a connection and a part of him with you.....on the other hand....you will always have a connection and a part of him with you.

No easy answer to anything. Its not that easy to just cut yourself off from him even though you are on your own. I can definately attest to that.

Ok...I have 7 goals for today and I will have a good day today. I will have to set new goals after 5pm.

[judyc]

Good morning, orchid01,

It is good that you set yourself some goals for today. Don't beat yourself up if you don't meet all of them.

50% of marriages DO NOT fail. Try to look at it that way. I wish I could tell you how to stop the dreaming about H. I still have those dreams, too. It makes waking up to reality all the more painful.

I watched Yes Man last night, and really enjoyed it. I recommend watching it.

[hopeful_cb]

I hear you about the sleep! I am going to sleep a bit better these days but still wake up early. Really wish that would stop as it makes for a long day. I too struggle with the dreams, and even when its not H its more nightmares. I think stress brings a lot of it on so maybe try something relaxing right before sleeping? I know that sounds like a hard thing to do but maybe a bath before bed to relax might help?

I like what judyc said about looking at the stats the opposite way,in the way that 50% of marriages do make it! I too never thought I'd become a statistic but then I guess thats how I got here. I should have planned better like you said. but thats the past, we can't plan for the past, all we can do now is plan better for the future.

I love your list of goals for the day. I did something similar when this all first started and it really helped. I have stopped going that now and I definitely feel worse...so my goal today thanks to you is to start setting daily goals again! thanks

Everyone keeps posting about this Yes Man movie, I guess I need to check it out soon.

I can really relate to what you said about thinking about having kids. I felt H & I were about at the same point to start trying in the next year. I feel a great sense of loss that that is not an option now. My sister recently told me she was pregnant(her 3rd) and while I am so happy for her I felt sad that I am even further away from that now. At the same time I see how hard it is for those with kids and I would never want inflict that pain on anyone.

Keep working on those goals and keep your head up things will get easier and sleep will come.

[orchid01]

Hi Judyc and hopeful_cb,

I am still having a good day. I have turned the phone off........and it feels liberating so far. Its 11am, so I am almost halfway thru my day of goals.
I watched the movie "the fugitive" and then
I took a nap...dreamt...but, I was so tired and so took it anyways.

I used to cook all the time.....and stopped being inspired almost a year ago. I was bored and felt like I would make the same things every week. And so, just stopped. I think I will pick this hobby back up when I move into my apartment. So I will be cooking for one.....but, I can still cook once over the weekend. I am a vegetarian and so would really like to expand into another cuisine, besides Italian and Indian. I will have to think more on this...

I decided to start lunch with an egg noodle pasta dish. Wish I had people to invite over. Yesterday, I barely ate one meal in the day. I think if I am going to start a job working 60 hrs/week....I had better get myself physically ready. That definately means eating well and exercising.

One thing that I have also stopped doing is making friends. I just never did anything outside the house and so also never met anyone else. Some years back my career path stopped and I became embarressed about it. I withdrew from all but my 4 closest of friends. I didn't want to be judged. I have always so worried about that.

Maybe life really does give you exactly what you fear!

I was thinking about getting my hair colored.......anyone done home highlighting before? I have long hair and well....I think it will be $200 at least to get it done at a salon.

I will be doing some yoga at 12:30! So yeah......a half hour of yoga should really be great!

I like the idea of doing something relaxing before going to sleep.

Do you guys want to know something horrible.......I don't really know what relaxes me! I am pretty high strung, I think. I used to read romance novels before I got M......then, I sort of just lost interest in them. A bath...sounds ok. It was always what my H did to relax...we have always had a small tub and just have not been very tempted. My new apt. has a garden tub.....so, I will try it out.

Ok. I am going to have some lunch, watch some tv and then do some yoga.

I really hope both of you are having a wonderful day! I will make it another few hours and will post again.......and it will be 5 before I know it!

[MsMelancoly]

Hi orchid, Sorry you are here and are struggling so. Been there, done that what you are going through. Many of us have & know what you are feeling. The beginning is the worst part in all of this. It will get better. At one point I didn't call, email or talk to my H for 65 days. It does hurt less and you do get stronger. Finding that happy person you once were again. I went to the library & checked out tons of books to read. To learn about myself and about M. For me, parents D when I was 3 - I had no clue what a good M was & I never read about R or M as an adult. Since, then, I have learned so much about myself - which I guess, was a goal I had, to becoming a better Me.

Many of the questions you pose, fairy tale M, children, what you want out of life, I find myself struggling with as well. The "what do I want" question. Still don't know the answer to any of that - but I am dealing with it.

One vegetarian meal I like to make, which then turns into 2 is making stuffed shells & then using the stuffed part (spinach, cottage cheese, mashed up tofu & onions) & then making enchiladas out of them, (adding sour cream) with monteray jack type cheese instead of mozzarella. Very tasty & the stuffed part can be frozen as well.

Are there any organizations you are interested in? Maybe to volunteer & meet pep?

Stay strong & keep that PMA going!

[judyc]

orchid,

You're doing great today! I definitely recommend getting your hair highlighted. I started doing it about 10 years ago, and it lifted my spirits then, when they didn't even need to be lifted! The cost where I go is around $100 (but I have short hair). Well worth it!

When I was out and about today, I stopped in a craft store. I am very involved in jewelry making, but have no access to my tools and supplies b/c of the fire in my house, they are packed up and in storage until the house is ready for me to move back in. So, on a whim, I stopped at the craft store, and bought some cheap tools and supplies so now I can make some jewelry in my hotel room. If you have a craft store nearby, I recommend visiting it. Even if you have no interest in any craft or hobby, just walking around the store might give you some inspiration and ideas, and perhaps motivation to try something new. Many stores sell "starter kits" so you can try something new without spending alot of $$$.

One more thing, if you accomplish something today that is not on your list of goals, give yourself a BIG pat on the back. It feels great to do something extra for yourself!

[orchid01]

Yeah!!! Its 5pm and I made it today! No tears and No despair and No Checking my phone! I made almost all the goals, but not all.

I did get about 30min of exercise in. I tried 15 min of a belly dancing video ( which I had not planned). I sucked at it! I cracked myself up though! I had not laughed in awhile. It felt good. Really good.

I did not drink 8 glasses of water......but the day is not over. And I did not get an hour of career reading in.....I got one page! I know.....pretty bad.

For the rest of the evening.......I am making a stir fry and will put on Yes Man and.......I want to paint my nails.... I am not sure where that is coming from......but, I want to...

I have decided to not stress about meeting all the goals...at least I kept to most of them. And at least I am not in panic mode. MY H did not call or email or anything.......and unbelievably I do not feel bad about it today. I have no idea what is going on with me??? But, I like it better than yesterday!

I will definately use your receipe MsMelancoly. I hope you had a good day. And thank you Judy and Hopeful for being such great cheerleaders for me these last couple of days.

[judyc]

You go, girl!