In my conversation with WAW about 4 hours or so ago...
We talked a bit about... the ability to forsee the future. One of the things I said was... if we go back to February 20th (our 10 yr anniversary)... would you have ever thought that a little more than 2 months later that not only would you have wanted out.. but that you would have said you were out.. no looking back? Her reply was no I wouldn't have thought that would have ever happened. I asked... well since we can't predict how we will feel 1 month from now... 3 months from now... 9 months from now or 11 months and 29 days from now.. Do you think it's safe to say that your present feelings and current future feelings are that you don't want to stay married and that you won't be interested in working on the the marriage... well... based on us not being able to predict the future would you agree that you may know what you want now but that you have no idea if these feelings will change? She said .. yes.
That's quite a bit of turnaround from the ABSOLUTENESS that she has been living in for the last 4 weeks.
I have gained alot of confidence in myself over the last few days... while some days are harder than others. We even laughed quite a bit on the phone tonight. My wife is still in there... somewhere... hidden deep below the pain of 10 years of hurt that we have caused each other and the love fog of the OM.
I asked her about miracles? I said... do you believe that God can show us a miracle? She said... yeah.. I said well.. look at it like this. The miracle would have to be... heal both our pain... help us want to trust again and learn to trust again.. and BOTH of us have to change the things that we would agree have caused us and each other pain and stife over the course of the marriage - we both agreed on that.
Again.. we didn't talk much about rel/marriage... I would say about 15 minutes.. tops out of 90 minutes..
It was nice to talk to my friend again.. instead of the WAW that is filled with venom.
A little over a week ago.. in a conversation she said.. "baby steps," ... I think somewhere deep down she doesn't want to end this.. but she is so afraid of looking back 20 years from now and seeing a 30 yr marriage full of heartache and dissapointment. I am gonna show her the man that she has always wanted. Hopefully she will show me the woman I have always wanted. If not then I will have to make my own decision on what I want at that time.
