Rob and Coach, Always great to log on here and see words from you, my friends.
Sometimes that feeling of reconciliation - that question of the possibility of reconciliation - comes into me when I spend a lot of time alone with my baby boy and I think just how inane this is...I look at myself now - and can see that though I am a flawed man, I am not a bad man - and I am certainly not the demon B believes me to be...so I still wonder, from time to time, if she could ever let the scales fall from her eyes so that she could that her pain and her issues don't begin and end with me - I may have contributed to her pain when we were together - but I did so out of my own lack of wisdom - not out of malice - while I think much of her pain was the result of someone else's malice.
I ask myself sometimes what I would do if she called as asked to try to work on things - and in my mind, as I imagine the scenario, I can't hear myself agreeing to it. I think about my S12 and what he's said to me about she treated him - and I think about her ability to manipulate me - use my affection and my vulnerabilities to disarm me - and then try to define me and belittle me...and I just don't think I could ever trust her not to be that way.
Last night, when she came to pick up my S2 I finally just asked her, aloud and without any accusation, to move forward with our separation agreement and divorce. When I brought it up, she looked pained and shocked - and started talking nonsense about taking our time to do it right and wanting proof that I had removed her name from my credit cards...she then got very angry, accused me of not admitting that I am an angry man that intimidates her - and then stormed off saying "it's late, email me." So...I don't think she knows what she wants...and I think she was very surprised to hear me say, "I no longer want to be married to you. I don't want to be your husband."
But that doesn't mean I am completely over the sadness of having my family broken apart - it hurts me profoundly - and sometimes I feel just so torn that I could have loved someone so much, for so long, in such an unhealthy way that seemed to harm her rather than support her. By the same token, I'm much more aware of the ways in which she used our love for one another as a way to excuse her more harmful behavior - like her affair and her eventual revision of who I am.
Without her in my life, there's no anger whatsoever - there's the sadness of having lost something that I had expected to be beautiful - our family - but there's no anger...not toward her, not toward other people that have harmed me, not toward myself...wait a minute. I take that last one back. Sometimes I am angry with myself for having taken so long to realize things that now seem so obvious - and I also feel moments of anger - moments that masquerade as disappointment - when I look where I've arrived at my life - and think...how could this be? I've had every opportunity to make a better life for myself and my children, and I haven't done it...what is wrong with me? But asking that question - and feeling that frustration is part of facing the reality I am living - and figuring out how to turn my dilemmas into opportunity. And I'm learning. Every day I feel like I learn a bit more about the mistakes I've made - and I also learn a bit more about my strengths - and my priorities.
...and the Wishing Tree...they've cleared the installation of wishing trees from Pasadena - but I know they're still out there - I think all the trees were set up at an exhibit in Japan. Right now I'm thinking how nice it would be if we could all just take a piece of paper, about an inch thick, and maybe five or six inches long, fold it in half, punch a hole in it, and attach a piece of yarn to it. We could then keep this piece of paper in our pockets until the urge strikes to write a wish - we then select a tree that looks just right, write down that wish, and tie it to a limb...perhaps even handing an extra piece of paper to anyone that might be with us or watching us as we tie the wish to the tree...just a thought...
