Divorce looming #13

[K4D]

Tis the night before I move into the apartment. W won't let me take my dog.

Tonite D11's grandma asked her who is the one person that D11 can always trust to tell her the truth no matter what. D11 said her mom. So her grandma asked again. D11 said her mom again.

I sat there and thought, if only you knew child. So D11 thinks she can trust her mom more than me. Thats interesting. I obviously have alot of work to do if she really thinks that. I said nothing though. But it bothered me that D11 thinks that highly of her mom when her mom is having the A and breaking up our family and lying to D11 about other men.

W is interviewing for a job at the same company OM works at. I think she had drinks with him today and I think he called her while we were having dinner just from hearing W's end of the conversation.

W told me tonite that her and her mother got into it about respect. Her mother feels like she is the higher authority because of age and being the grandmother. My W disagreed with her. Apparently an arguement got started about it. W said she will treat her mother with respect when her mother treats her with the respect she deserves as the mother of our kids. W said D11 couldn't stay the night with her grandma and wasn't going to tell her why and grandma didn't need to know why. She just needed to accept it. Grandma did not like that at all.

I thought it was funny that they both feel they deserve respect. I don't think either of them deserve respect. Of course I kept my opinion to myself. So W is acting like the all high one as she is telling me this. I just politely listened and acknowledged as she talked.

Afterwards I told W that she is probably not going to have much to do with me after tomorrow is she. She agreed.

I decided not to go dancing tonite. I just stayed home for my last night in the house. I'm not looking forward to apartment life again. I never thought I would have to go back to it again once we got a house. I swore I never would again. I guess you just never know what the future holds til you get there.

I told her I was taking my 9 year old dog with me. I told her that Dixie our sheltie came to me and told me that she wanted to go with me where ever I went. W said uh huh. She didn't buy it. Dang it.

I'm tired tonite. I am dreading tomorrow and the next 7 months. I am also dreading after the next 7 months. I don't know what my life holds. But right now I am losing sight of any light at the end of the tunnel. I am very depressed about this. Its not exciting for me. I can't believe this is what it is coming to.

The girls have been having attitudes lately and W got mad tonite and yelled at them. Then she told them that just because her and me have problems between us doesn't mean we aren't united on how the girls will act. I was sitting there thinking I don't have any problems with you. You have all the problems.

I guess we do have a problem though. I want to keep our marriage and family together and she doesn't. I guess that is the problem between us.

Apartment life again. ugg...

Kevin

[MrBond]

"Tis the night before I move into the apartment. W won't let me take my dog."

If it's YOUR dog why didn't you just take it? You've gone back to letting her pull your puppet strings.

"Tonite D11's grandma asked her who is the one person that D11 can always trust to tell her the truth no matter what. D11 said her mom. So her grandma asked again. D11 said her mom again."

Why the hell did you just sit there while she was degrading you and even your W like that? That's when you should have "manned-up" and said something.

"I thought it was funny that they both feel they deserve respect. I don't think either of them deserve respect. Of course I kept my opinion to myself. So W is acting like the all high one as she is telling me this. I just politely listened and acknowledged as she talked."

Are you serious? Kevin, quite frankly you're the one that doesn't deserve respect because you didn't say anything. Have you followed up with the IC? You have got to get your self esteem issues worked on. PLEASE!

"The girls have been having attitudes lately and W got mad tonite and yelled at them. Then she told them that just because her and me have problems between us doesn't mean we aren't united on how the girls will act. I was sitting there thinking I don't have any problems with you. "

Again...why didn't YOU say anything rather than letting your W do the talking for you? They are your Ds too and you come here and post how they are showing you attitude, yet you don't say anything. It's no wonder they do not RESPECT you.

Do you want their future husbands to be treated like you? Unless you speak up and say something while your W is there, they will always follow their mom because they see her as the stronger one and you as weak.

Is that how you want to be seen by your Ds as weak? Kevin, I can't stress enough that you need to go to C ASAP.

You've already "turned off" a number of people who have tried to help you on these boards because you just do more of the same. You're like watching a car crash that can be avoided, but you insist on running head on into it.

Please take these 2x4s and use them constructively.

[K4D]

I wasn't present when my W's mom was doing her talking. D7 was telling me about it later. W conveniantly didn't say anything about it to me. I did tell W this morning that if her mom doesn't stop with the bashing of me in front of my kids, me and her mom are going to have words. W agreed that she needs to stop.

I also told W to stop telling the kids that we have problems. I said WE don't have problems. I said I don't have a problem with you. I said you have a problem with me. W got mad and said fine.

I got the furniture moved into my apartment today after signing the lease. The dang cable/internet guy went to the wrong apartment and didn't show up today. So they are coming back Tuesday during lunch. W said she would be there to let him in so I didn't have to miss work. That was nice of her and I certainly appreciate that.

I bought the kids beds and my bed today. I gave the kids the master bedroom since it is huge and they each have a twin bed. They love the room. I took the smaller room since most of my time will be spent either with them or out in the main living area. I won't be using my bedroom for much other than sleeping.

Once I started getting the furniture set up, it started looking like more of a home. Even W likes the apartment. I think I can get used to it and even enjoy it once I am finished with it.

I am going to go to the store tomorrow to get some things that I like. I am also going to get some relaxing tea's that I can make in the evenings. I love my couches. They are so comfy. The apartment complex has a work out room right across from my apartment. So I will be utilizing that. And there is a pool I can see from my apartment so the kids are looking forward to using that. I will use it with them.

I'm going to catch up on some movies I haven't seen lately. I want to see that new startrek movie. Its supposed to be good.

I will have church wednesday night and sunday. I am doing meetup things with the kids. Now I just have to engrain myself in my own meetup activities.

Things are coming along. At first I did not want to sign the lease this morning. But once I signed it and started getting things set up, I started relaxing a bit about it. The only thing now is to make sure I have people interaction.

I'm worn out tonite from moving stuff. This is W's week with the kids and she is out having drinks again tonite. Its the third night in a row for her. I have the kids next week for my first week in the apartment.

I found an IRA that I have had that I never really looked at. Its got $4,600 in it. That is my fall back emergency plan should something go wrong. I hate to use that as my back up plan. But at least I have it for that. If I don't end up using it in the next couple of months, then I am going to invest it once I have my own money saved.

I think things will be ok. It will take some adjusting to at first. But if I excercise every day after work til I am worn out and then just spend the rest of the evening relaxing and studying during the week when I don't have the kids, I will get through this.

Today was hard at first and I initially was emotional in front of W.

Oh well. Set back. She is fixing to get all the time in the world away from me now. She said she has plans every night next week after work while the kids are gone. She said between that and chatting in chat rooms at night and working out if helps to keep her going on her own.

I need to pick up some projects that me and the kids can do together on the weekends.

Kevin

[aliveandkicking]

You seem like you are really progressing. Interesting that she is indicating that she needs to do 1000 things to be ok and making sure you know about it. I wouldn't read too much into it but, it does indicate to me that your changes are being noticed.

Stick with it.

[K4D]

This song is perfect for how I feel about my W when we aren't going through problems like this. This is how I feel about her and what she does for me. The song is a beautiful one if you haven't heard it as well.

You Raise Me Up

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then I am still and wait here in the silence
Until you come and sit awhile with me

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be
You raise me up to more than I can be

I think the most beautiful version of the song I have heard is by Celtic Woman

Kevin

[kara]

Kevin

I am hesitating about writing this reply because a lot of people may take it in the wrong way. But I have decided that I will still go ahead.

I know this song and it is beautiful. I think that it is great when our spouses give us that feeling that once they are with us, we are a much better person and we can achieve a lot more. There is a limit, though and there is a point where you can start to worship your spouse in the sense that you think that things are only possible with them. (O.K. I said it!) This is not true. All things are possible with God, not spouses.

Even if you are not a religious person, if you project on your spouse the belief that you depend on them so heavily to get through everything it can be too heavy a burden on them. It is too much expectation and this is what your W feels.

Don't get me wrong. My H brings out the very best in me and at first I thought how could I ever go on without him. I would definitely want him to be my H for the rest of my life but if it does not happen I will still go on and survive and thrive at some point. I will depend on God for my strength. I am not preaching to you but you have to find your source of strength and BELIEVE that you can do this.

It is hard. So hard but please, please do not put this type of burden on yourself and your W. She is only human and she will crack under that type of dependency. We all need someone to lean on. No one can be the strong one at all times.It will suffocate her and this seems to have happened.

How have you ever let her lean on you? How did you support her in the past? Think about it and let me know.

[davidswife]

Kev,

I hope you think long and hard about what Kara said - and answer her questions.

Stacy

[K4D]

When we first met and early on in our marriage I used to let her lean on me. But through the years I leaned on her more and more. I became totally dependent on her.

Now the real test of my life begins. She won't be there anymore at least for a long time. Now everything rides on me to succeed and find happiness.

A friend of mine had his W leave him. He played hard ball with her. He told her to return the car that he bought her. One night he was at a bar with her and her friend and they wanted to come over to his hot tub and he said no. He went to strip clubs for his enjoyment while she was gone. Then just recently she called and told him she made a mistake and wanted to come back and work things out. He told her to get tested for STD's and then they would talk. She did, they talked and are back together.

Amazing. Of course I am not going to any strip clubs and I did give my W a key to my apartment so she could get in if she needed. Maybe I should ask for the key back.

This week won't be as hard since I have the kids. But next week will be the real test of me being alone for a week.

Today I have more stuff to move.

Kevin

[kara]

Kevin

O.K, so your wife may need to get into the apartment if there is an emergency with one of your daughters? Is this why she has a key? Do you still have a key to your old house? If you couldn't even use the bathroom you wanted to there why can she have access to your house? This is not about tit for tat it is about having a backbone. What will you do if she goes in and rearranges all your furniture (not the long table which she won't let you have, of course)?

[K4D]

I don't know. All I know is that I am just really angry now. I can't believe this is how my life is turning out. Amd the reality is finally setting in with my apartment. I'm just angry now.

I am angry at my life. I am angry at the world right now. I hate my life.

I'm just really angry about everything.

Kevin