I'm sorry I didn't respond quicker, but I needed some uninterrupted time. I still don' t have it but oh well.
First of all I have to tell you how much it meant to me to know how much you really love me. Through all of the garbage we've been through, sometimes it's easy to forget that part. I do feel the bond that you also feel. I guess that bond is what keeps us coming back to this. The bond that just won't allow us to call it quits. Yes, I think there is a little fear mixed in, but if we didn't love each other, there wouldn't be a bond at all.
I want to explain the "fear' I said I have. We talked the other night at (restaurant), and we mentioned how I went from living with my parents to getting married and living with you. I have NEVER had time to find out who (wife's first name) really is. I was, (wife's first name), the daughter who lived at home, to becoming, (wife's first name) the wife, and then (wife's first name) the mother. I missed going away to college and living on my own and learning what it's like to just be "me". I feel like that is the part that causes my restless nature. It has nothing to do with not loving you, but everything to do with trying to find myself. When kids go away to school, they really learn what they are made of and learn so many of life's lessons. It helps them to grow and become the person they are to be someday. It teaches them confidence. When they are finally ready to comitt to someone in marriage, they are truly ready to give up the single life and live alongside someone. I wish so bad that I had gone away when I was younger, or lived by myself for awhile. Maybe it wouldn't be coming back to haunt me now. Although divorce was scarey, I have to admit that I was looking forward to being a single person so that I could experience what I didn't when I was younger (and I was also sad because I didn't want to be away from you and at times the kids). I'm totally letting things all out to you here, so I hope you don't take it personally or get upset by what I say in this email. (Puppy), what scares the hell out of me, is that while I do love you, and I love our family and don't want to split up the family, I honestly don't know if I will ever NOT feel like this. If I don't have the "experience" I missed long ago, and never truly find out who I am, will I ever feel content and happy? Or will this feeling just continue to creep in and once again show its ugly head? Maybe a counselor can help me to get a handle on these feelings, I don't know.
But anyway, what I would like to say to the kids on Saturday evening is this.
"We know that you have all felt that at times something was not right between mommy and daddy. And we should have come to you all a long time ago and leveled with you but we didn't want to upset you. For a while we have been having some problems, some have been serious ones, and yes, we even talked about divorce. The reason we wanted to speak to all of you tonight is to tell you that while we have marital problems, we are trying to work them out. We can't guarantee that everything will work out, but we want all of you to know that we love you with all our hearts, and we are trying very hard to fix our problems. Its important to us that you know what is going on and that we are trying to make things work. No matter what happens in the end, we both will ALWAYS be here for all of you, and will ALWAYS love you." whatever the outcome between mommy and daddy, we will ALL be ok".
Regarding the renewal of vows. I have thought long and hard about it, and I personally would like to hold off on that. I just don't feel I'm emotionally ready to do that yet. Perhaps after I've met with a counselor I might feel different. But if we decide to do that, I want to feel 100% ready. That is not something I would take lightly. This doesn't mean I'm not committed to working on our marriage, because I am. I just don't feel that I'm ready for that step yet. I also believe that before we even know if things are going to work out for us, renewing our vows would send a message that everything is great with the kids. I don't want to lead them along or god forbid crush them IF things don't work out between us. I hope you understand. I need to be in a better place emotionally before I can do that with all my heart. If things work out maybe we can renew our vows in connection with our 25th wedding anniversary.
(Puppy), we've been together a long, long time. Every memory has us in it. It's not easy to give up on that which is probably why we haven't completely thrown in the towel. We are the best of friends, and I do enjoy being with you. I just hope and pray that we can fix this.
I love you, (Wife)
We just had a nice 60-90 minute talk. We took the boys out for bbq after S12's basketball practice, and then I asked the fetching Mrs. Puppy to join me on the pool deck for a glass of wine. She passed on the wine, but we had a nice talk. About EVERYTHING.
Bottom line? It's the EXPECTATIONS that we each have. When we tried to pin down just why it was that we had such a great time last weekend, and had the deep connection, it was because we had TOTALLY LET GO of any expection of each other as husband and wife. We just WERE, just being each other's friend, listening, talking, and connecting.
I asked her "Do you think it's that we each look at each other, and think 'God, I'm really disappointing him/her' (which has been what my theory has been all along about what 'The It' is)," and she said "Yes, EXACTLY! That's it!"
She want something for herself, as you said -- she talked at length about that -- and she wants to stop being defined by The State of the Marriage. WAY too much analyzing; WAY too much agonizing, and it's gotten to where we can't just ENJOY each other anymore.
I think she's right.
Anyway, it was a good talk, and I feel good about the nice e-mail she sent me and now the talk tonite. I had to suck it out of her, but once I got her going, it all flowed out.
