Thank you all for so much support. Its humbling that people who have never even met me, are being my greatest support at a time when I don't know up from down.
Unfortunately, I did not make it tonight. I called H and of course he did not pick up or call back, but I left a message. That accomplished absolutely nothing........but, my panic subsided and I was able to gain some control over my emotions.
Even WITH all of you - I failed today. But, I will try again tomorrow....nothing more to do today. I watched "the women" with meg ryan and basically she did the same thing that pearlharbr has been trying to get me to do.
She reinvented herself. She stopped being afraid of being alone.
I realized today I do not know what I want for myself. I have always wanted to be married and be happy in my marriage and find fulfilment there.
.......but obviously, that is not enough......I am so old school sometimes...and lazy.......I think maybe I just wanted to sit back and enjoy living my married life and I stopped working on myself bc I thought I had a fall back.......my H! HUM....just thought that.
Before I met my H, I actually was so close to just living my life for myself...... finally. I thought I was living my life for myself.
I have lost my way in this last year for sure.
I never got around to me really and so I just don't really know what I want. I know I want my career.....its the place where I feel better than I have ever felt with or without anyone.
Its a very big thing actually. H would not let me give up on it....even when I did......he pushed and pushed me to get here. I really am happy I will be starting my job in a month's time.
I have always been so vague (as my sister calls it) about what I wanted...so that I could adjust to whatever life had in store for me. Its always rough initially, but I dig my heals in....
I was just looking for honor and loyalty and happiness........vague and dreamy. It seems that this is NOT a good approach.
I need to make goals that are more concrete.........but, before I do that......I need to figure out what it is I want out of my life.
I don't know how to do this. I guess I have myself my first goal!
Ok enough journalling today, I think. I feel like a mess. Sigh. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day! Thank you again to all of you who are standing with me.......even as I fall. Truely beautiful.
