WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 8

[confusedinpa]

Well I'm sure I "broke" all the rules to DB/DR Dark/Dim tonite, but she called tonite about her Ipod. I walked her through it, but one thing that was on my mind was that I had gotten a notice to appear for child support when I got home. I asked her if she was uncomfortable with what we had agreed to. She said she was still ok with it. When I told her about the child support notification, she was surprised.

I told her that I was going to contact a lawyer to see if we can just get what we agreed to submitted so we don't have to incur the expense of both of us getting lawyers to go down.

We wound up getting into a relationship talk when she started to talk about how today was the first time in the 4 weeks that she's moved out where she had time to just relax and think. She said she almost called me and the boys as she was torn between being with us tonite vs alone (I think it was her way of saying she missed us). I told her that she could have if she wanted to (probably should have left her wondering). I think this explains why tonite she called to say goodnite to the boys (first time since she moved out).

She then said something about just wanting to be able to move on. I asked her what she meant by that. She said that she was still trying to find time to go to a therapist to work through her own issues (she said that she can't get past the hurt that she still feels when she sees me) so that we can go to counseling again. So I figured what she meant was about moving on past the hurt. She was crying at that point. She said that she still hasn't changed her mind as right now she trust me with the boys and everything like that, but can't get past the hurt to trust me with her heart again. So until she can get past that, she can't see working on that type of relationship. I told her that if there was anything that I could do to help, let me know.

I told her that it will take time to rebuild trust and during that time I am going to continue to work on me as I need to for the boys as well as myself. I reminded her that I have already appologized for the things I've said/done or didn't say/do that hurt her and hope she knows that was the past. I hadn't realized what I did made her feel that way as she didn't communicate it.

So now when I'm trying to give her time/space and it confuses her (makes her think that I've changed my mind), I'm glad that she is communicating how she feels about it. As she can see, I do listen and respond. In the past she hadn't communicated clearly as she was afraid, but she should see now that communicating it clearly isn't something to be afraid of.

So, if the changes I am making winds up keeping us together as husband and wife, so be it. Either way, the changes I am making will be permanant.

I did wind up talking about how we really haven't gotten to spend much time together without being distracted by the boys. So I asked if she would like to go out to lunch together, to let me know. I told her that I could do it Tues, Weds or Thurs. She said that she would let me know.

We wound up saying goodnite at that point as we talked for almost 45 minutes.

OK - so let the 2x4's come out.....