Tonight is a perfect example of my dilemma. My son had a little league baseball game. The kids are with my W until tomorrow, so she brings them to the game. I'm not going to skip the game just to stay dark. So there I am, sitting at the game. My W apparently likes to sit next to me, because she always does. I brought some drinks and snacks for my kids, of course I'm going to offer her some, I'm not a jerk. So there we are, sharing snacks, chatting and watching the game. Our conversations stays light, and we joke around with each other. The environment is so conducive to warm and friendly interaction. I would be miserable if I purposely avoided my W, and by proxy, my kids, and sat by myself on the other side of the field. But it's also true that these times together do make it hard for me to stay detached. Afterwards she asks if I'd like to get pizza with them, and my son is looking up at me jumping up and down and saying "yes, yes, yes, yes!" So I said okay, and went and had pizza with them.
As our R has improved, I'm more and more just being myself during these times, and not so guarded. My W seems to genuinely like me again. She chats freely, and teases me, and even initiates some physical contact, like putting her hand on my shoulder. Could I go to these things and be "darker"? Sure, I guess so. It would feel totally fake to me, like I'm not being true to myself, and it would probably make my kids anxious. Is this giving my W the idea that "Hey, this being separated isn't so bad?" Maybe it is. I don't know what else to do!
Conversely, when I'm not at events like this, I am quite dark. My contact with my W is very limited and essentially only to discuss kid issues, of which there are plenty given our young brood of three. In confusedinpa's thread, Coach says to be the best you possible at events like these, then be dark at all other times. I think that's the strategy I'll need to embrace given my situation.
As a side note, interestingly, each time I see my W at these games, she's always wearing the perfume she knows I like, and she has makeup and lipstick on. She even mentioned that she sprayed the perfume on right before she came to the game after I teasingly commented how strong the perfume cloud was around her! One of my friends has commented that she seems like she's trying to attract me and/or make me jealous. Why in the world would she want to do that? She left me, she said she doesn't love me, she had an affair she's shown no remorse over, she apparently is happy being separated. I've been pretty solid with my position that I'm fine without her, and my life is going well. Maybe she just wants me to say or do something to prove to her that I'm still hers.
