Hi there. You had asked me to stop by your thread right before my computer went down and I am just now getting back on line and hopping over here. Did not want you to think I was ignoring you, but have been having a lot of computer problems. Anyway, I did some scanning over your story and it immediately reminded me of a couple I knew. She was exactly ten years older than him and was divorced with three children. He was not even out of high school when she started dating him. When they married, her oldest child was in about the fifth grade and her H was about 19. Her personality was what I call the strong "bossy" type and since she was used to bossing her children around, it came quite natural for her to boss him around too. I doubt their M would have lasted except he was such a great person with a very easy going personality and he loved her three children. He never had any of his own b/c I think she had her tubes tied even before they M and I'm sure she didn't want any more children.....but I won't swear to it b/c I never heard her say it.
I don't know if you are the strong personality type or not, but I think it would be very hard for a woman who already has a family and used to taking charge and seeing that things get done (as mothers have to do with a family) that it would be difficult not to fall into a "trap" of mothering a younger man she M. Heck, you don't even have to be older that him to fall into a trap of mothering!
Anyway, the couple I knew would have not made it if it had not been for the man b/c the woman was even unfaithful to him and yet he forgave her and was a terrific step-dad to her children and a grandfather to her grandchildren. In their case, I have to take my hat off to him for his maturity and weathering the storm with her.
I remember the fist several years that she tried to look as young as he did, which must have been very hard b/c he had kind of a baby face as it was! BTW, the OM she had an affair with....was M and he was older than her. Interesting!
I guess I am just saying all that to say that we can't always base our R on what other people's have been, but at the same time we may learn from them. When I read your story, you kind of reminded me of the exact age difference and same amount of children when you M this younger man. However, your H certainly does not remind me of the person I knew personally. I don't know that I can give you any better advice than what you have already received. I don't mean to be discouraging, but to be completely honest with you, I think you will have to step away from him and allow him time to grow up. This R he has with your ex-friend may blow over in time and he may decide he stills loves you and your children. However, I would think he was probably over-whelmed at suddenly becoming a husband and a father of three over night. If you took care of "everything" that required a lot of responsibility and was a "fixer" also.....then where did his part fall in? I can only imagine how challenging it would be for a woman to allow a young man to take the lead (b/c we do have to allow the man to do that...) and also allow him to be a father figure to your children....which includes discipline. How did you handle that? Maybe you said and I missed it. I would think that if you were used to being the one that had the say-so over the kids (and I'm sure you were) then it could have been easy to over-ride whatever he might say to them. Did that ever happen? BTW, how long were you D from the father of your children or did he pass away? I missed that part also. I apologize for not reading everying....but was trying to catch up quickly.
This was my perspective about your H and him not wanting the responsibility of raising a family. I think he felt he could not handle it. Tell me more about your ex-friend. Has she been M and does she have children? If she does, then how many? If it is at least two, then I would think that would still be a scary situation to him and that he would not want to repeat getting M and back in the same stitch. Again, I apologize for asking what you probably have already told. You can just give me a short version.....
Even if I can't give you any better advice, do know that we are here to encourage one another and we'll do the best we can to help you through this difficult time. I agree with those that have said that the best way to deal with the stitch is to stay away from him completely. Allow him time to miss you and to grow up. It is very hard and takes a strong person.....but if you are what I think you are, I bet you have what it takes. You've lost 40+ pounds and you are raising three kids. That alone takes a lot of strength. The one thing you have to realize is that this is something that "you" cannot fix. Where your challenge will be is leaving him alone and not trying to fix this broken R and just back off and let time do the work.
Continue doing this great self improvement that you have accomplished! That has to be good for your self esteem when you look in the mirror......even if you are discouraged in other areas. I hope you won't give up on working toward looking great every day. I liked reading that about you. That takes discipline! It tells me that you can do whatever you set your mind to do. Am I right?
Talk to you later. Take care.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
