Coach- I just can't resist asking you to interject in my sitch...H's LL is definitely physical touch and I really blew it on that one...also, WOA which I was so on (except when I expressed any need or discontent of my own which he took as disapproval IMO) so, struggling to DB with those requiring such bold and overt actions...
I'm not even sure how I got to this link but it disturbs me. So many of the traits are similar in her actions and the relationship; subtle but there.
Overall the tone of the relationship is like: 1. If I'm not happy then nobody's happy...and I'm not happy. 2. You're never good enough 3. You're always wrong / I'm always right. "I know best." 4. You always screw up. And I'll remind you of it.
We don't have the "Contant Chaos" and maybe just a little of the "Unpredictability" mentioned in the article but the rest of it fits including my loss of self-esteem and depression
I'm trying to figure out where the line is between:
2. She's a WAW and they do this AND/OR she's lost respect for me.
3. I'm Mr. Nice guy (but less since d'bing)
4. She is emotionally abusive.
She admitted right at the bomb that the relation was hindering both of us and that's why she want to end it - for her and me. It wasn't always like this. We used to be very equal, respectful, and loving. I knew she was a strong person when we got married (and on her way to law school) but it's like it just got worse over time and she got mean.
My past was fairly stable (sometimes some anger from above). I think her past was OK but her family has always had a lot of drama - there's always a crisis. Currently one member has problem with drinking but I don't think it was like that when she was growing up.
Things are getting better but I don't know...I read this and just was taken aback. I don't know what to think.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
OD, You are searching for answers for why she is behaving the way she is. Maybe if you could diagnose it then you can fix her. Show her that her problems are causing alot of the M problems. I went thru it all: hormone imbalance, control issues, abandoment issues, MLC?, I even researched all the personality types to see what her problem was. Doesn't matter. You might be right about some of it and the sitch isn't putting your W in the best light. She is going thru more of the same emotions that you are than you know. Focus back on yourself. You only control you, your actions, thoughts and feelings. Your W doesn't want you to fix her just listen and understand the best you can. That's validating. Don't try to figure her out but seek to understand, appreciate and love her just the way she is. You can handle it. Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
My mood has been on the roller coaster for the past few days. After the good exchange a few days ago I felt flat. Maybe she does too. Kinda like the party's over and it's time to go home.
Tonight we went to a movie with d11. I thought it would be kind of fun but other than the movie everything else was pretty lackluster. D11 has a performance tomorrow night then takes off for few weeks early Sunday. It will be just W and I for a few days then BFF arrives in town. I'm not sure what to expect during the alone time. If this is any prediction then nada.
Impending doom:
Right now W gets texts from BFF on her way here; the trailer was too big for the truck; she just made it to someplace; she's crying and won't answer the phone (it's called guilt). Right now I am so angry at W who is dismantling our family life. So angry at meddlesome BFF who will be up here to remake her life and ours, after dropping her husband (and my good friend) on the proverbial side of the road. So angry at ME.
Next week I have to be in this house with BFF, BFF's mother (who doesn't agree to all this but is helping anyway), and W. Part of me wants to just leave now so I don't have to put up with them but it's my place so I won't.
Indeed part of me wants to just stay here and NOT leave. "I'm sorry I'm f-ing up your plans but if you really want me out of here then show the papers." That would really be messed up at this point.
Arrgggghhh! I've never felt like this. I can't understand how I can feel this way towards someone I love(d). I'm going to try to maintain 'respectful silence' and not say or do things I may later regret. But it's hard.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Worked together on bills this morning. Went ok. She mentioned "We are just going to have to work together for the next few months so we don't starve." (Well sort of. In the back of my mind I'm thinking I want out from under your problems asap.)
She seems to think the big money challenge will be over in a year or two when she makes partner. (I'm thinking "Then everything will be a sunny day. No H and no $ problems").
Somehow she sensed anxiety and silence from me.
"Is it about BFF?"
"mmmm...sort of...I just feel bad for (her stbx)"
"Well you shouldn't. He's done nothing to help himself. He's refused counseling and continues to drink a lot. He's done nothing but sit in the garage for the past year. You've made changes but he's done nothing. You can't blame bff for his problems."
By now she's mad at me for even thinking such a thing.
She mentioned some other stuff about how you can't expect another person to make you happy to which I agreed. At least we share that perspective.
More silence. I really don't have time to open this can of worms this morning.
"I'm really concerned about how much BFF is getting involved in our lives."
Shouldn't have said that because I didn't have time to fully explain it. She doesn't have patience to hear it.
She gave me the finger and walked out.
--
BFF is one of those organizer kind of people. But tearing into our closets and moving stuff around getting ready for her move up here is only a smaller metaphor for what I really see happening on a bigger scale. She's moving here. Remaking her life, W's life, and even our kids. I feel displaced. I feel like I never asked for a third parent in the family but were getting one. W and BFF are good friends and rely on each other for support. That's such a good thing for them. However I'm just concerned she's throwing her weight around too much.
One other comment from long ago really concerned me. She has no kids of her own but has an relationship with young niece. She expressed regrets that niece had a few problems and didn't get into the college of her choice. "If only I had been there then things would have gone better." It's this statement that could be read either way that scares me. As in "I could lend support" or "Move over and let me drive."
W thinks I should be grateful that BFF is watching kids during the summer break - I am. And that she loaned us $ for a tax bill - only a little. Loaning $ is a sign of trust, not necessarily friendship. I sold my motorcycle - were square.
I'm just not sure W gets or believes my concerns. Or that she does but doesn't care. She's making new life with BFF and I'm not so much a part of it
I've got to stop: - I'm worrying about stuff that hasn't happened yet. - I can only change myself. Not W or anyone else. - It's wearing me down.
I'm not sure if we'll continue the conversation or not.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
And here's where I feel so angry and sad. I feel like I was broken and thrown away.
The relationship started great and we were friends for so many years but as life got more difficult and complicated with jobs, kids, house, money, things got strained. It was a lot for me just to keep going. When things didn't go smooth she took it out on me. Over time she became angry. I tried as hard as I could to satisfy. She became dominant but resentful. I just tried to survive and lost the satisfaction of life in me. When she finally realized she hated what she had become, what I had become, and what the relationship had become, she chose to end it.
I'm angry I allowed this to happen to me. I'm angry she chose to throw it away instead of rebuilding.
How do I let it go?
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Things got a little better. She talked with me this afternoon. Understands some of my concerns. In turn she's concerned about paying for the house.
BFF won't be around much next week. Staying at hotel then at fling's house - most of next month too. It will still be tough but at least it's just us two working through it.
We had a pleasant evening out watching d11's performance. Enjoyed a glass of wine together during intermission. etc. Laughed a little.
Finished evening off with tv and a good night hug. She was smiling.
Last edited by orangedog; 05/17/0907:07 AM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Met up with friend who was having trouble (woman). I found out she got the bomb a week ago. I told her that I could see parts of our situation on both sides. I could see mistakes H was making - not pursuing, not treating her like #1, not letting go of anger. I could see emotions and thoughts in her that I experienced and still experience. I provided encouragement and straight talk and talked about D'bing. I'm going to get her a copy of the book.
W and I had great dinner last night. I cooked up a few simple things, opened a bottle and we sat out on the back table and talked. It was so sunny, warm, and quiet.
W is also concerned about BFF. She admitted they are both strong willed and she's just not sure how well they will get along. Above all she's concerned about money and being able to afford the house. She wants me to be able to afford the cute house downtown. The numbers work for me now but I will have to be careful. We're going to work together on it. Despite her willingness to cooperate she realizes she's made her bed and she has to sleep in it.
I mentioned a my talk with friend (woman). That I could see things more clearly now, that I wanted to help her get through this. W's responses ranged from "See, now do you understand?" to "Never thought of that" with a little male/female translation thrown in; "Sometimes when a woman says this...she means this..." Yeah, this kind of talk is kinda close but I let W know that it's OK.
We talked a little about life afterwards. I'm not into dating or anything like that and just want to be by myself for while. She said not to discount friendships. "You and I both need friends of both genders. Maybe you will be able to understand what it's like looking from the other side." She told me I was a good looking guy and that I will be impossible to replace. "There's going to be women all over you. Doesn't mean that you have to start relationships but just be aware. I think there would be nothing but crap out there for me if I had to look."
I told her sometimes I think about it. Sometimes I scan the room when I walk into a new place. But I'm still wearing my ring.
She mentioned changes in me and us. "You are much different now. Yeah, we could call off the separation, but I'm afraid we'd be right back where we started in a few months." I could have jumped on this and said "OK, then I'm not moving out" but I took it as "I'm starting to feel for you again, see the grass isn't greener on the other side, but I'm not sure yet." I said, "No, I want us to have some time apart and work on things just like we planned." Really that's how I feel. I don't want her to feel compelled to take me back. I want to fall in love again. I think she might come to realize things in the next few months but there's always a risk it might not happen. I think my next step with her if she continues to feel ok with me is marriage counseling.
Her sister called and so we both talked on speaker phone. She's having a fun time with our kids.
Her dad called and said he was in town so we met him for a movie. I drove, opened her car door, etc. (She LOVES that stuff). It was great to see her dad too. Big hugs for him too.
Got back late. Good night hugs (she initiated).
This morning we talked a little and hugged on the way out.
Other than the sleeping in separate rooms thing (I really want to.....), I've been really comfortable with her like this - like we're still married. I'll move out feeling good and with the impression that I'm the guy only a fool would leave.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
