I am already living 90% of my life like I don't have a husband, because he isn't here! So I agree, other than getting over the hump of telling friends and family, and handling it with our kids (obv. the biggest challenge), not a whole lot else will be different than what I have gotten used to this past 18 months.
Except I think I will have more of a sense of freedom to make my own decisions....which is not a bad thing.
Good then. I was wrong. The way you explained the hobbies and stuff makes a lot of sense to me. A few months after we separated, I started "reverting" to my old self, watching MY favourite silly American shows, listening to my music, eating food I liked...
Before he left I told him that I had gone to talk to the pastor. I hadn't told him that part yet...so I told him that we talked for almost 2 hours, that I had wanted a Biblical perspective on our situation from someone whose opinions I trusted.
[For the record Dan thinks he is a great pastor, straight-shooter, calls-it-like-he-sees-it. So he puts stock in this guy's opinions.}
Dan asked what he had to say. I mentioned nothing about him saying Dan was lost and had a porn problem and all of that. I have learned--he gets defensive when I tell him what the kids say and I figured if I told him what the pastor said he would think that was just my opinions coming out...
So I told him that the pastor said: *Biblically, I had reason to file and that if I chose to, I was not doing anything wrong.
*He also said he would pray for our M to be restored, b/c it is God's will that all marriages be restored if they can be.
*Pastor said he would love to talk to Dan individually and to both of us together to help us sort things out if we were interested
*Pastor suggested I tell Dan ahead of time that I am going to file so he has one last chance to tell me if he wants to work on our marriage, then I may as well go ahead and file.
Dan looked a little surprised, then he said, "Then I will go talk to Perry (pastor) myself."
one question..if Dan thinks the pastor is so great...then why does it take you telling Dan about what you did for DAn to seek the pastor out???
Quote:
I am not going to ask him about it, he will go if he wants to go and I will not involve myself.
I am reading a book I bought when we first separated a year ago, but which I put away when H came back last summer. It is about using the time you are apart to figure out who YOU are, what you really want in life, etc etc. The idea is to make sure that if/when your spouse comes back, you don't get together too soon, accept things that aren't lined up with your true nature, etc.
I am not reading it in hopes that we will get back together. I am reading it b/c I want to re-discover my core values, goals, needs. Being a part of a couple for so long, where I did so much of the 'giving', I have not thought about what I want in a long time.
For example, when I think of hobbies I think of cows and golf. But that is b/c that is what Dan and I have always done together. Do I really like those things, or like them b/c he does? Hope that makes sense...I just want to start figuring out what I want for my life, and start making it happen. Even as simple as what furniture I buy for my bedroom, making sure I get what I want, not what I think he would like...
This book sounds interesting, what is the name of it? I'd like to get a copy of it myself. Thanks.
Okay I don't know if that link will work but I tried. It is called "Getting Back Together", but that isn't all it is about. There is a chapter, "What do you Want" or something like that. It has some questions, checklist things to help you recognize your core values and goals. Then you have to honestly decide whether you can be that true version of yourself if you reunite with your spouse.
Again, the focus for me is not on the reuniting part. It is on the moving ahead with my life and remembering who I am part. The book makes some great points too, like: *If the goal just becomes getting back together you are working on the wrong goal, the problems will not be solved just by getting back together
*The majority of couples surveyed, who reconciled, stated the #1 thing they would do differently was that they would have stayed separated LONGER to make sure they had discussed/ironed out major points of conflict before jumping into a relationship again
*The time and distance given by a separation are often ESSENTIAL for a couple if they have any hope of reconciling down the road. B/C they are often 'trapped' in a repeating cycle of 'trying' and failing. They need breathing room instead of lather, rinse, repeat.
Also, he called last night after the kids were in bed (9:45), just to talk to me apparently. Because I said, "I just finished putting kids to bed" and he said "This late?" like he thought they would have been asleep. (They both fell asleep in the car after shopping at 6:00 so when we got home they were wired and didn't want to go to bed yet.)
So I don't know why he called, he just said, "What's goin' on?" when I answered, like he just wanted to chat. He told me about his day, what he had been up to, how work sucked, etc etc etc. How he was going back to work (at 10 pm) b/c boss was po'd that he took today off to re-roof his house and wanted him to go back in and finish some reports...
Totally unnecessary call. Lasted like 10-15 minutes and then I said I needed to get back to what I was doing. Whatever. He is off today to roof his house and it is raining....too bad so sad!
IF Dan actually talks to the pastor (and that is a BIG if, to me), there are a few possibilities:
1)He wants to cover his butt, try to figure out what I told the pastor about him and defend himself/justify/whatever (Which would be too funny b/c Pastor already can see through Dan and said he would love to be able to talk with him, find out if he truly has accepted Christ, etc etc. Wish I could be a fly on the wall for that one!)
2)He does want help (not to get back with me necessarily but because he hates his life and is miserable), but didn't want to ask the Pastor. Dan has admitted in some of our most serious talks that he has a really low opinion of himself and that the trucks/cows/tractors are things he buys to impress others and put up a front, to look like he is a success even though he feels like a failure. So I think for Dan to just go to the Pastor on his own would be super hard for him because it would be admitting, to a man that he respects and admires, that he has problems.
But, knowing that I have already talked to the pastor, and that the pastor isn't mad at him, doesn't hate him, but actually said he WANTED to talk to Dan and help him out, maybe that took some of the weight off. Who knows?
And yes I did involve myself by telling Dan that I talked to the Pastor. But even if we get divorced I care about Dan and I wanted him to know that the Pastor had offered to talk to him. What he does with that information will be his choice.
I agree with the comment about the goal not be just about getting back together. To me this complements what DBing all about - focusing on yourself to make you a better person, more attractive to your spouse, changing for the better, etc. If you stay the "old" you - you'll end up repeating the same "old" problems.
The time and distance given by a separation are often ESSENTIAL for a couple if they have any hope of reconciling down the road. B/C they are often 'trapped' in a repeating cycle of 'trying' and failing. They need breathing room instead of lather, rinse, repeat.
So when are you getting off of the rinse cycle? You know what amazes me more and more is the fact that things are so crystal clear in other sitches and we can not see our own (I am including myself in all this)....oh if I could do it all over again! Hope you get what you want BBJ....actually in all honesty, I am sure that if ever you hook up with a really nice guy you will be in lala land for a while after all you have been through.
John, I think I am getting out of the cycle. I don't want him to come back home right now. I want to figure out me. This summer will be great b/c I will be home with the kids, only 3 more days of school! Time to get my house in order, literally, get my house and yard the way I want them to be.
Plus I am putting the kids in day camp 2 days/week during the summer and I will take off when Dan has them in the evenings. So I am going to start finding things for me to do. Think I will find a nice driving range and a course that offers lessons...do some running...put in a butterfly garden...not sure what else yet, need to think about it.
And trust me, when I do eventually have a good, honest, loving man in my life (I know my LLs now--quality time and words of affirmation), I will appreciate it!
