Game Over?

[dday101798]

Uggh,

My attorney sent over all the drafts for the dissolution and parenting agreement. You'd think with as much money as these people make they'd know how to speak english?

[dday101798]

Journalizing:

Spoke with STBX last night. I felt the need to call her as her attorney had not yet talked to mine, thus no paperwork was forwarded off. I asked her what time her meeting with her attorney was, she said 4-4:30pm, so I suggested that she contact her attorney early this morning to call mine for copies of the drafted paperwork.

She began to query what they contained. T told her pretty much what is to be expected. You and I don't have much left possession wise as it was all abondoned at the house, so basically what you have is what you keep (minus my vital records I requested one more time), and whatever debts that linger are the repsonibility of whomeever's name they are in (mostly mine), and as far as the kids go, I will cover their insurances still, we will have parenting descision making but they will live with you, and so on.

To which I'm met with, "what about us?". "Do we need mediation?". I tell her no, if we agree before hand, no mediation and as I said, everybody goes their own way with only our kids being the common interest, basically once signed, the last 11 years never happened. (Not said out of cruelty, she has made a point time and time again to thank me for 'waisting a decade of her life').

oddly, that depressed her. She then got into conversation about the house, saying that she got her car fixed and wanted to put it in the garage, but the renter had 2 cars already in it. And how it upset her that on the very same day I left the house, the renter had moved himself in to what was our bedroom, using our furniture, dishes, everything. Tiptoeing around arguement, I left it at, that is your father's doing and you should address that with him. I have given up trying to recover what possession I have left there, and will NEVER set another foot on that property.

Conversation ended. She put boys on the phone and that was it. I reminded S10 that it was his great-grandmother's bithday adn it be nice he call her. S12 was stand offish again and would not talk to anyone. Shortly after hanging up, STBX called and asked if I had called my grandmother, and I said yes. STBX said, "ok, she sounded upset saying only 2 people called her all day". All I could think was 'she's probably upset having to talk to you', No, I didn't say it, just thought it. She reminded again of S10's play this morning i should be at right now. Unfortunately, things are messed up at work, and my radio in the truck this morning was spitting out one song after another of breaking up, situations ending, and my favorite, "too late to apologize". So suffice it to say, I am not of stable mind to be there at the moment.

[dday101798]

Wait a second,

While e-mailing the events of last night to a friend of mine it dawned on me, last night's phone conversation was the first in a very very long time that I can't remember since when, that she and I have talked solely to each other over the phone and addressed the issues at hand, and DID NOT argue NOR resulted in one of us terminating the conversation to avoid an argument.

[dday101798]

Well, STBX should be in conversation with her attorney right now.

She had sent me a text earlier that I didn't see until now asking why I didn't go to the play this morning. Just kept it simple, problems with work and tight on cash. No lies there. Having a real hard time adjusting to being down 40% of my income between taxes and child support. Then I ahd shell out a huge chunk of money to my attorney or they wouldn't do any more work on my case. Not even sure how I'm going to get through the next week right at this moment.

Well, hopefully there will some sort of 'comforting' news of progress in one directionor the other after her meeting. Just wonder when the notion "this is really it" will hit her. Already hit me last week. Not fun. Seems like when you're at this point of the rollercoaster, the hips and valleys have much sharper slopes, dang it, I thought I was off this ride?

[dday101798]

What a horrible weekend. Spent either crying my butt off or sleeping. Knowing that we are now so close to the end has just started some sort of internal breakdown I don't understand. Can't eat again and anything just triggers a shutdown.

She had called Friday night and again yesterday, but didn't leave a message.

Saturday out the clear blue, I was fine, making burgers and preparing to do yard work and then just broke down thinking of how it used to be and won't be anymore, that I could be doing the yard work while S10 makes the burgers, STBX could be making pasta salad for ths side with S12. But it's all gone now. I just gave everyone their burgers, shut the grill down, spent a couple of hours balling and went to sleep for 12 hours.

Yesterday, my cousin and her sons went to the Cubs game for her oldests birthday today. Lack of food caught up and I drove like a complete moron the whole way home. Finally did the yard work, somewhat and then spent another few hours back in mass depression mode, this time qnating to know what really happened to our daughter. I'm sure she was aborted.

In process, I lost a friend who grew tired of my pitty parties and was told I need help ASAP. I think they're right. Just when I thought I was getting through all this and letting go, it's consuming me and breaking me down again, but worse than in the beginning. Is this normal?

[LucasE]

It is for me. I'm 18 months out. We just finished mediation and I still feel as bad as ever. Sometimes worse. I think the duration of the pain is shorter. I'm calling that a good thing. I have burned through all of my friends and family. My best friend was willing to have another go at it with me last night. That was kind of him. Just keep swimming. This will pass. Your best friends will be back and you will be easier to hang with, someday. Thanks for all of your journaling. It helps me a lot.

Oh, I'm not a fan of "help." It doesn't work for me. I'd rather burn out my friends. They know me better and share my dreams and really have some good advice. (Not that I would listen...Yet.) Sorry to my friends!

[JMC]

I would agree with LucasE. My ex-w moved out 2+ years ago and the last time we had marital relations was 2 yrs ago this summer. My divorce was final last July. It still pains me, and your feelings about dinner and yard work are the same as mine. However, like LucasE, the pain does not last as long. I have good days and bad days. I know there will be some day when I will not be consumed with thoughts of her and the way life used to be.

Regarding counseling, I agree. I have read numerous books and websites and I know I am not clinically depressed. I just do not like the thought of paying someone to essentially tell me what I already know.

[dday101798]

Hi Lucas,

I hear ya. My friend did apologize for backing out, but I completely understand, I know I would get tired of hearing it.

And yes, the "down" time is conciderably shorter these days, but the extent of the crashe and the pain infolicted is getting worse, mostly because now it pertains to the kids, not so much her anymore. That gets to be a problem with my firends and family, they say to jsut let it all go entirely and move on, they don't quite understand, I don't tend to concider that the viable option.

[dday101798]

Nothing to really update situation wise. Had some communication with the attorney yesterday, he assured me of potential loopholes in the D paperwork, she tried to take the children away before, and she'll do it again.

I think I'm 80% recovered from teh weekend crash. Drove in for the second day in a row with the radio off and just pounded this all out.

Still ahven't heard anything on how her meeting with her attorney went and what was discussed and how she feels.

However, more thought went into the situation with OM, now in the open for for almost 11 moths and in the dark who knows how long before that. There is definatley more than is known behind the scenes with that relationship.

I only wish she would talk to me about this. We're at the final fork in the road as far as this M is concerned.

If she were to question me about it (ie wanting her back), I will have to do something I never like people to do to m and that's answer a question with a question: If I were to have left you behind and lived my life with someone else directly in front of our kids; would you want me back? If I were to ahve said all the nasty things about you in court to hide the fact of this and take our children away from you; would you want me back?

Time again to put the shoe on the other foot for a moment, BUT, that is if the conversation ever happens.

[dday101798]

From the Chicago Tribune:

"Gemini (May 21-June 21): 6. The hard part is practically over. Be patient and follow through on yesterday's assignment. You'll soon be off on a new adventure, so get all the old stuff done."

Heh, haven't had one of those stike a chord lately. And as a matter of fact I did, I was late to work this morning after sticking around and finishing up spraying out all the dandelions in the front yard and feeding my gardens that I had started to do yesterday. Then at work I knocked out a few reports I had to get done that I started, well, yesterday.

And lastly, this morning in doing all this, I brought a close to this weekends 'pitty-party', of which I came to terms with, last night.

hmmm, "new adventure" huh? Wonder if it kicks off in T-minus 20 days?