WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 8

[confusedinpa]

One of the things my therapist said that I should do is that the next time my wife winds up on a negative kick (not just about me, but other things), try and switch it to soemthing positive.

For example, last Friday at the baseball game, she was complaining about how her sister was wearing an outfit where her boobs were falling out. Now a positive I would have wanted to say was that she does have nice boobs (which she does), but even I know that would not have been good. What I could have said was how nice it was that she drove out 300 miles to her daughter and our sons could see each other (they hadn't seen each other in months).

I guess that's part of the verbal jujitsu that was discussed here a while ago.

I don't think I'm hanging on every word, but I'm trying to keep myself balanced from being the cold jerk and the needy wimp (going back to the integrated man triangle).

It was interesting how you metnioned about being myself around her. My friends and therapist had asked me about that a few weeks ago. The odd part is that over the past several years, I was so focused on work, that all I know is the work me (serious and focused and right to the point - not very fun). Right now I'm trying to rediscover the me that she had fallen in love with - warm, fun loving, confident, caring and worry-free. That's how I've been trying to be.

I think part of my angst today had been the friend that I had been talking to at work (the WAW) had gotten flowers from her husband yesterday. She said that she liked the flowers but it still didn't change the fact that it's over. It has been almost 6 months since she had moved out. She had wished her husband would find someone else so he would leave her alone.

It was pretty shocking as her complaint was pretty standard WAW (neglected, unimportant, etc). In her case, she had tried to jump up and down and get in his face of the problem. He just laughed at her and said that there was no way she would leave. Boy was he surprised.

In my case, my wife hadn't done that (get in my face) and just held in all in until she couldn't deal with it anymore. I was just as surprised.

Anyway, it was just disturbing how my friend was able to just have no feelings left. I'm just worried that my wife is at the same point.....

Although the big difference, at least up to this point, my wife still tries to spend time with me and the boys. My friend, on the other hand, doesn't want to spend any time with her husband and will not call him. When she does call, it's all business, she never talks about her day nor does she ask about his. And when he talks about his, she hangs up.

My wife on the other hand, talks about her day and will ask about mine.

It's so confusing. I know I should not call, nor will will I call....

Thanks for all the support and help in getting my head back in the game.