Newcomer, want to keep my hope alive!

[iwantittowork]

Thanks Robx, I am going to be coming back to this post probably more.

Where is my strength? How is it possible I allow someone to have this power over me to make me Sad/Angry and hurt? I can see clearly the Detach, GAL, and not be a doormat is what needs to happen. WHY WHY WHY can I not do this all the time?

This weekend was a really tough one, I need to write it down to try and clear it away again.

My Brother in law came over Saturday to help me with work on my house, but because it was raining, we had to cancel. However, I wanted to show him a video of a drag race I had taken the previous week, and as I log into the computer, I see my W has left up and internet order page for a Sex book on tips and tricks to please a man. Later I had to ask my W about it, as I was overcome by emotions and anger, I did not however try and be confrontational, but just ask her what she was buying that for, and she flips on me again saying she is not having an affair, and is just trying to educate herself on men in general. I am having a hard time believing that. I was able to tell her though that I just needed to discuss it so I didn't carry it around all that day when we had to attend an Auction event that night for my D's school.

Sunday was not much better, I had to spend the whole day working on the roof of my house, and it just built and built that I was doing all this and would likely have to be selling the house soon. Tired and hurt at the end of the day, I tried to discuss us again, and she stormed upstairs and went to bed.

MAN how can I control and remove this behavior? I have been reading many books, websites, stories and working on going to my own counseling, DB Coaching, and GAL, but keep PUSHING HER AWAY!!!!!

I can so clearly see that my behavior is doing, but at times seem incapable of stopping it! I am so angry at myself right now, and just venting to get it out. How on earth would she ever come back to me when I am like this!!!

I have to again refocus, but this week I have to visit the L to get going on what is going to happen in the next few months, and that is weighing on me, and I need to clear that out somehow..

Starting over again this week..

[iwantittowork]

Well, I realize I am feeling whiny and needed in my above posts, just trying to vent it a little..

So, after messing up like last night, do you think I should just apologize for that, and move on? I'd like to think that's the best thing to do, but don't want it to come across as whiny and needy as well...

[iwantittowork]

I have been trying to immerse myself in reading the stories and threads on this forum, and have found many great posts. I have bookmarked a bunch of them to come back to when I need help.

This week is going to be rough one, Friday is a trip to the L to discuss upcoming D. I need to dismiss it from my thoughts until then so not to focus on it for the rest of the week.

Called up for another coaching session, I need to get back on track db'ing for myself.

[Heartbroken20]

Robx - Thanks for your tips and you are SO right about that stuff. IWITW is much like me in trying to stand up to his MLC-WAW (+ EA?/PA?) and be strong while minimizing the damage to his daughter.

Fortunately, I have established that I am not going to leave (all this was not my idea to begin with) but have trouble not A) reacting to her bitchy behavior/words with in-kind actions and B) not caving when she decides to be nice, and even seemingly loving, to me.

Staying cool, and/or smiling, when she launches really does piss her off. I've even laughed at her during a tirade (couldn't help it, she looked/acted ridiculous) but now I've apparently aquired an "evil laugh".

THIS is just awesome:

"I will not reward your childish, bratty behavior with my attention. If you want to talk, you can talk to me in a calm manner and let me know when you choose to do so but I have neither the time or interest to stand and listen to you throw a temper tantrum. I'm not your door mat to be walked all over and truthfully, you are very unattractive when you argue and I don't want to look at you"

I am definitely going to give it a try the next time she starts in on a tirade.

Anyway, I thank you for your wisdom, although I am apparently deaf to it most of the time. I hope IWITW finds it to be helpful as well.

[Heartbroken20]

I have been trying to immerse myself in reading the stories and threads on this forum, and have found many great posts. I have bookmarked a bunch of them to come back to when I need help.

This week is going to be rough one, Friday is a trip to the L to discuss upcoming D. I need to dismiss it from my thoughts until then so not to focus on it for the rest of the week.

Called up for another coaching session, I need to get back on track db'ing for myself.

IWITW - Just a note to say you are in my thoughts for your meeting tomorrow. The best advice I've ever received is "keep your cool". It will accomplish two things. First, it will frustrate your wife as she is trying her best to aggravate you. Second, it will show the Mediator that you are a reasonable person and are acting like the "adult" in this situation which is exceedingly difficult. I'm certainly no expert here, but I can't help but feel this will work in your favor.

I think I can safely say that we are ALL rooting for you and hope it goes well for your and your daughter. GOOD LUCK!!!

[iwantittowork]

Heartbroken20, thanks for your kind words, I hope you find the help you need as well, this site has been eye opening for me to say the least.

I bookmarked one of RobX posts, as his insights are really good, and help to focus on what your trying to accomplish.

Today, I am of the L, but this is just consultation for me and me alone, the Mediator meeting is next week, but I wanted some insights first before I go to it.

I had thought I was not doing well at the DB'ing, but my coach had a different outlook, and maybe worth while mentioning. I spent a day with my W and D a week or so ago, and just focused on having fun by myself, and with my D, and was smiling and laughing and playing with a couple kids, and I noticed my W looking at me odly the whole day. I let that slide and just focused on having fun. We stopped for dinner on the way home, and got home late, and my W immediately went to the computer while I put my D to bed. The next morning I realized that she had been looking up and forwarding me the Mediator info, then setting up and appt that day with him. I thought that was odd given that we had a not so bad day, but took it as a negative.

My coach had a different outlook, saying he has seen this many times with clients, where the W suddenly may be mixed emotions and seeing you as not the bad guy she has in mind, but then later suddenly says 'whoa, that can't be, I must be right, and just need to get this over with ASAP before I start having change of heart'

That may or may not be, but just this morning because I am leaving for work late, I spend the AM getting my D ready for school, and smiling and having fun, and she would barely even talk to me, and seemed really annoyed.

Let it all slide when that happens, and I wished them both a great day as she stormed out of the house after snapping at both her sons..

Maybe little cracks in the attitude, and may not stop what's in progress, but it's still better for me to think and act like this over this period.

Good luck to you Heartbroken20, your in my thoughts as well!

[song]

IWITW,

Hope all goes well with your L today and the mediator next week. We have a lot in common, including the great sate of MA. Keep us posted on how things progress, like H20 said, we're all pulling for you. (H20, I like that)

[iwantittowork]

Thanks Song, I am back from the L, and I must say that I am:

Elated and sad both at the same time.

First, I had this vision of when my W was done with me and the D, that I would be living in an hotel room eating Ramen noodles and paying for her to take time off and drive around in our convertible all summer having the time of her life.. Not a fun place to visit..

But, the L was able to go through everything with me, and assure me that due to Length of our M, situation, etc, that is simply not going to happen.

I don't want to go into too many details, but the reason I am sad is he thinks my W is going to get a dose of reality at the Mediator's and when she doesn't get what she thinks she is entitled to, is then going to try and and go the attack with a L route.

That will be sad if that happens, but I am now not afraid of the D any more, and my only plan is to protect myself, I have no intention of being greedy, nor trying to hide or stop anything she is entitled to.

I recommend getting a L to at least give you the rundown if you have not been through this before, if only to protect yourself!

[iwantittowork]

Boy, it's amazing the roller coaster ride of emotions that you can be on, I was feeling pretty good yesterday, but woke up today after a bad dream about the situation and feel like crap..

Got to not let that show, but find something to do to get that out of my system..

[Heartbroken20]

IWITW - Thanks for your advice and encouragement, we all need it (and some of us, read "me", repeatedly) and I appreciate it. I have spoken briefly with a L but not really in depth. W went to one back in JAN to "just see what everything entails and gather some info in case things don't work out". Only found out about it when a bill came in the mail. W was REALLY pissed as she had paid in cash while there "so she wouldn't hurt me". Gee thanks.

Has she completely lost track of the fact that she (not me) is trying her best to make sure things don't work out? Although she says "if I was sure I wanted to leave, I would already have done it", I think she is just biding her time until she has another situation set up or until she baits me into blowing up so she can use that as an excuse so as not to feel so guilty about it.

I can TRULY understand the rollercoaster. I've been on it for well over a year now and trust me, it's seems to be a never ending nightmare. Unfortunately, I do it to myself by continuing to hope she will come to her senses soon so when she says something that looks like she's finally waking up (or the alien body invaders are packing their bags) I take the bait and dare to hope. Next thing I know, she reiterates how much she's NOT in love with me any more and doesn't think she'll ever get it back, too much bad history between us. Ouch.

You are doing better than most at controlling your reactions and diverting your attention to something more productive, certainly better than me. I sit and stew about it as it makes absolutely no friggin sense whatsoever. Very tough for me to accept completely illogical and/or unreasonable behavior/emotions coupled with a complete lack of remorse for causing so much destruction.

That, coupled with continued disbelief that everything I've ever wanted or worked for is now utterly disposable to the person who matters most to me, makes most of my days pretty miserable. I'm sad most of the time and try not to let it show but it probably comes through here and there. Worst of all is the sense of helplessness to do anything about it. And when things I DO try end up backfiring on me, it makes me gun shy to try other things.

The only way I can muster the strength to play NMMNG, is to begin to actively dislike her and that really hurts as well. Catch 22 in the pain department. Plus after over a year of trying, it starting to look like throwing in the towel is inevitable, despite my best efforts.

Read this back and sorry to be such a whiny wimp but today is definitely a low day and a little venting seemed in order.