- She's been warm and receptive and showing more feelings.
- When she cried last week and told me she loved me she also mentioned BFF just couldn't stand to be around her stbxh because he was falling apart but that it was different with us.
- She appreciated my kindness when I took care of her after her half-day surgery.
- She was also interested to know how long the lease was (month to month because I know the owner) and said that BFF would want that house when I'm done with it (...when I'm done with it?).
- Plans for the future are not defined (even on official school forms) but more like "let's see what happens".
I dunno. Maybe it's just my imagination.
Fighting to keep her? No, I'm not pushing. But she probably does notice me being a great dad and husband; a little more self assured; a little less afraid to ask; and not afraid to show her compassion and treat her like an adult even though I don't agree with her decision.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I had beer with a friend and I caught him up on the last few weeks. When I told him how I took care of her after her surgery and really showed I cared despite what we'd been through, he asked when was the last time I had done something like that. I wasn't sure. It seemed like everything else I'd done around the house or in life, I'd felt compelled to do, and I grumbled about it. This was different. He smiled at me like I'd learned an important lesson.
There's been a lot of discussion on the boards that when relationship roles get reversed and women lead they lose respect for their men. We came up with a metaphor that the relationship was almost like a dance. Both have separate roles and moves, but the man leads with kindness, strength, confidence, and admiration.
--
When I came home we briefly discussed the checking account (oh fun!) but this time it was different. It was more casual than usual. There wasn't blame, anger or tension.
W popped open a bottle of red and went upstairs. I finished up a late plate of din and talked and played with D a while. I poured myself a glass, brought the bottle upstairs to top off her drink, and sat down on the couch with her. We talked for a while about just stuff; her work, her athletic group woes, etc. She just had to know more about a Facebook friend of mine that her BFF and mother both noticed was flirty. (BFF: "There's some woman on Facebook who want's to ---- with (my name)", Mother: "Oh, there's some cutie on there who's been giving him the eye") . W knows our relationship isn't like that but W just playfully had to ask about it. Once again I stated there's nothing going on (and I don't flirt back), but I don't mind if someone thinks I'm cute.
She said BFF and her stbx aren't even on speaking terms anymore. Sad.
Continued watching TV. Sat close. She rewound once during Dancing W Stars (I'd never watched this show but kind of enjoyed it for the costumes) looking for a rumored "wardrobe malfunction". I topped off her last glass and made some little remark like, "I'll give you a little extra so I can take advantage of 'ya, heh heh." and she kinda giggled back.
More TV. She went downstairs and I gave her a hug and a kiss on her bare shoulder.
Good evening. And once again left things just a little better than before.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I'm thinkin' a no-strings-attached-let-off-some-steam roll-in-the-hay before the month is out? Kids will be gone next week. Whatchya' think? Too soon?
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
It isn't something you contemplate or plan out. Either the passion is there to make such a thing happen or it isn't. Only you and your W know if the passion is there... If the probability is high enough.
If the passion IS there, I would see a roll in the hay as having strings, because it will confuse both of you as you go through with the separation.
I've caught myself doing this now too often. I walk into a crowded room and start looking around; "Hmmm... she's cute. Is she wearing a ring?"
Now the first part might be a male thing, but it's that second part that catches me by surprise and leaves me wondering. I'm the one working to save the R, I wear my wedding band, and I have no intention on dating, yet my mind wanders. Is this usual?
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Orangedog, this is yet another sign to me that either you are in denial about this separation or that you are actually pleased about it. There is nothing wrong with that, if it is the truth.
DO try to avoid those crowded rooms and keep that hunter under control!!! You are still married! And, you first need time to explore and hash out the past, and then identify your ultimate goals with regard to your marriage.
Lucky
P.S. Between your last two posts, I think your physical urges are building up. Find a healthy outlet for that -- either your W or solo for now!
I find myself doing the same thing. I have no intention of acting on it, but still it is a change for me.
I think it is a reaction to my new (since the bomb) fear of D. It is a way of lessening the fear - ie "See, if the M were to end there are still other possibilities"
I don't think it is harmful, but I agree with Lucky - don't let it take you anywhere "inadvertently."
Last edited by Thinker; 05/14/0907:24 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Orangedog, this is yet another sign to me that either you are in denial about this separation or that you are actually pleased about it. There is nothing wrong with that, if it is the truth.
...or maybe both?
Originally Posted By: LuckyGirl
I think your physical urges are building up.
More like boiling over.
Originally Posted By: Thinker
I think it is a reaction to my new (since the bomb) fear of D. It is a way of lessening the fear - ie "See, if the M were to end there are still other possibilities"
Yes, makes a lot of sense. "Contingency Planning"
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
During your M how did Mrs SP show love to you? She shows you what she wants by how she shows you love. It's not making more money, being entrepreneurial or going to MC. What do those provide for her that she is not getting from you now? You show her those things and you start to be attractive again.
Here's what I came up with:
1. We've always been like friends (dare I say siblings) and shared conversation (no matter how boring).
2. She laughed at my humor.
3. She appreciated me for who I was - disorganized creative type (at least for a while).
4. She supported some of my goals and my career track - creative type again (at least for a while).
What really bothers me is that I really struggle to think of any outward explicit examples - as in "I just wanted to let you know how I feel about you. I cooked up your favorite dish and I'll meet you upstairs partially dressed to serve it up."
I did some things like this for her (obviously not enough).
Everything has been so understated and unmentioned. My family operated kind of like this while her family was more verbal. I feel so sad that we fell into this trap of not outwardly saying and expressing how we feel towards each other.
Is it too late?
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
OD, Your W sounds like her LLs are WOA and QT. Read up on the 5 LLs and it will give you ideas for 180s. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
