If you keep telling your friends and family then it makes it even harder and harder for him to come back.
So J3B, what if it's the MLC H telling his and our friends? Our immediate families know, of course. I have told 4 close friends who are not his friends, but several of our mutual friends have told me that he told them of our S, and that it was his decision. What does that say about my situation, if anything?
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Are you thinking damage control Twink? Like I have to tell them my side of the story since he is telling them his? Like tit for tat?
To that there are 3 sides to every story; hers, his and somewhere close by or far away from those is the truth.
Or are you asking me why he is telling your friends? Because most people feel the need to be understood or supported especially in bad choices, or hard to understand choices. The people that will judge him he wants to make sure that he can midigate some of that damage. I believe.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
If you keep telling your friends and family then it makes it even harder and harder for him to come back.
So J3B, what if it's the MLC H telling his and our friends? Our immediate families know, of course. I have told 4 close friends who are not his friends, but several of our mutual friends have told me that he told them of our S, and that it was his decision. What does that say about my situation, if anything?
No, no, not at all! Those who know me well know that I would not have walked away unless there was physical abuse, which, TG, there was not. And he is telling the truth -- it WAS his decision, not mine.
What I was really asking is -- If my telling people makes it harder for him to return to our M, doesn't his telling people do the same thing, since there are that many more people to whom he would have to admit he made a mistake.
It doesn't really affect what I'm doing for myself. Just wondering.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Maybe its a gender issue;maybe it is that women need to talk more than men.I kept the affair quiet for a year and a half, endured H shutting down on me and `not knowing whether he loved me or not` until he reared up on me and threatented to punch me, all within earshot of the children. I needed the support of family then and two trusted friends then if only to know that I wasn`t going crazy.
With saying that, H has spoken at length to his family about our issues. And I`m okay with that because I believe that he`ll get support there. He doesn`t have any close friends to confide in.
A big problem in terms of `everyone knowing` is that he had a fling with a work colleague which a lot of his work colleagues know about. So if there`s anything out there in the community about his behaviour its coming from his indiscretion in the first place.
I`m rowing back from talking about it at this point only to spare my family/friends from being bored to death with my woes. to help me refocus on everything else wonderful in my life and not to get caught in a cycle of self pity.
I`m getting back on track with LRT. Managed to smile and wish H `Good Morning` yesterday and from the moment I got up changed everything about my routine as I`d promised myself. That change seems to have given me and extra fillup plus of course, it makes me more unpredicatable in H`s eyes. Anyway, its going to be the key to my LRT for the foreseeable future.
H had the day off. Didn`t do anything around the house that I notice-apart from collect the post and hide my payslip somewhere. No I didn`t mention it. My salary goes straight to the bank so he can keep the payslip if he wants.Anyway, it`s probably his way of rising me so I`m not taking the bait.
He didn`t come home for dinner-went to a match and rang from the pub to check where DS13 was as he was supposed to collect him. I said I`d do it. H didn`t come home until early in the am.
Fine, I`m not getting annoyed about that either.(another 180 for me) In fact I drove him out to collect his car this am as he took a taxi home.
Went to visit friends last night with the kids-that got me out of wondering about where H was and what he was doing and I`ve more stuff planned for us today.
we`d an invite to a communion party for yesterday evening. Told H about it on Tuesday-he didn`t respond one way or the other then. He was gone yesterday evening but, on my way to the party, I met him on the road. I pulled in and rang him(hadn`t done that in a while) and asked him if he wanted to go that I could turn back and collect him or he could come later if he wanted to go, watever. Let him know I didn`t mind whether he came or not.
He dithered, as he does. I said Look I`ll go anyway and tell them you might be there later. He said No don`t say that and just hung up.
Whatever.
I went and me and the kids were in full swing enjoying ourselves when H turned up two hours later. I was glad he came. I think he realised from the previous week that I am enjoying myself socially with or without him and that he may as well get out there too.
But no sign of R. He`s still silent and sullen. Trying to upset me. Not going to Mass today with us for instance. Doing absolutely nothing around the house.Not going to our DD`s birthday party yesterday-leaving me to do it all for two hours then turning up at the last 20 minutes when the parents came to collect.
I`m smiling on. Maybe I should be setting boundaries?
This morning I didn`t start making lunch-did the ironing instead. H was stomping around the place getting annoyed with the kids as he had to take them to an athletic event this afternoon. I was wading through a pile of ironing and that, along with PMT, left me feeling angry too so I stopped after an hour of it put away the ironing basket, wished them all a good afternoon and baled out.
Getting out in the air, cleared my head and has helped restore some perspective. I`m split I know between wanting an amicalbe separation or wanting to stay M and learning to love H again. So maybe that split in me is stopping me from giving him a fair chance.
I don`t know whether I should set boundaries or not. I don`t know whether I should ignore the fact that he`s leaving all the housework to me f`rinstance. yes, I have asked him to do certain things but should I ask him to do all he should be doing?
And I am having a great time in every other way. I`m sleeping, resting, indulging my hobbies, meeting friends, enjoying work.I think he hates that I`m doing ok now and that it makes him jealous and angry. Is the sight of me laughing with friends just really rubbing his nose in it? Should I wait to have fun with the kids when he`s not around?
