(1) Just step away from the W bashing, it isn't helpful, and it includes a lot of assumptions that may well be false.
(2) I agree your W is afraid of having a lousy sex life. I urge you also to start with a beginner's mind. If sex with you was all that hot for her, it would probably be less of a problem. Yes, you are right, just like all men who have lousy sex lives with their W's, you are overconfident that she loves it when you do it. You are probably mistaken. This HUGELY contributes to her being stuck in a sexual persona that is not very fulfilling. She likely doesn't want to let you down further by letting you know that her enthusiasm has been at least somewhat faked. Women are taught to be caretakers of the male sexual ego here. This is pretty standard stuff. Why not try assuming the opposite? Make a game of it. After her standard "O", say "OK, I know it may be too hard, but let me try to make you O a few more times in different ways." This gives her permission to just enjoy the attempt without the pressure of delivering a fake O to protect your ego.
(3) I agree that W probably hasn't shared her authentic sexuality with you. However, I disagree that it is likely because she expects you to mindread, etc... On the contrary, she probably thinks there is NO WAY you could ever guess just how deviant are her sexual thoughts. She probably is ashamed and embarrassed by her own fantasies and kinkiness. She probably thinks you could never accept such a depraved woman. This too is pretty standard stuff for a woman who has lost her sexual identity because it is incompatible with the "good wife/mother" role. You throw in your religious be-a-good-girl pressure, and she is very likely to feel that she could NEVER have a hot, kinky sex life with you. Do you really think she could summon the courage to say: "Gee Puppy, what I really want is for you to push me on to my hands and knees by the side of the bed, strap a vibrating rabbit toy to me while you tickle my a@@ and f#$%( my mouth before you go down on me and then f@#$ me hard while I'm coming, and oh, if you could, please talk about how this is like me taking multiple C@##$cks from you at once, and add a little spanking to keep me in line." Yeah right, I don't think she's going to put that on the table without A LOT of you making her being a dirty girl being OK. And pressuring her to work through your M/sex life to be a good role model for her Ds is not going to get you there.
4) I really urge you to take the pressure off W. You are pretty heavy-handed with the COMMITMENT and really trying and vow renewals, etc... You may not see it. Most here may not see it because they are on the LBS side of things. But it is a lot of pressure and a lot of blame stuff. If you are really going to reconcile, it needs to be done in a context of freedom. IMO, you'd be much better off saying: "Let's wait to renew our vows until we both know that we want to commit to this M for the rest of our lives. For now, let's commit to seeing if we can find a vibrant, passionate M that enriches both our lives. If we can't, then that would be OK. Though it would be sad, we would both be OK, it wouldn't make either of us evil. What is important is that we both wind up with great lives, whatever that turns out to be."
5) I actually think W's reaction last night was more due to the pressure/guilting woven into your email, than from your increased openness. That being said, there was increased openness/vulnerability on your part. It is NORMAL for the other person to withdraw a bit. YOU did the same thing when you first got the email from her. There is some amount of emotional distance between the two of you that you are both comfortable with, say it is 10 units, but it really needs to be at 3 units for a strong M. She moved toward you one unit, so you moved away one unit at first, maintaining the status quo. Then you adjusted, saw her one unit and raised her one. So she backed away. This will go back and forth as you seek new equilibriums while inching closer together.
6) Try to quit thinking of W as a blackhole who can never get enough attention from you. Instead, think of it in LL terms -- she needs something different.
7) Please don't push Fireproof. If someone thinks Fireproof is valuable, the lesson they should take from it is what they can do to improve the M, not what they can shove down someone else's throat while shaking a finger saying "this is how you SHOULD be..."
8) Any chance of a take-charge quickie for W at lunch?
9) Use the BIG RED STOP SIGN when you feel the old thought patterns start to crop up.
10) The best thing you can do is try your best to have the great M that you want. Same for W. Give you both permission to fail if you want a chance of success.
