Thank you (((peace))) (((T2))) (((soco))) and (((dave))).

I have traveled such a long road, and every time I hit a place where I think I am at peace, it just crumbles. I am looking forward to just packing up and starting over. I have the distinct feeling that I will not be filing in TX because H won't get the paperwork done before it is time. That is fine. I will wait until I get my residency requirement in VA and file there. Hopefully by that time I will find employment, and once again be self sufficient.

Honestly I am not sure how I feel anymore. It seems the pain of missing my brother so much and missing the man I married have blended together, and sometimes I find myself crying over both. You would think after almost two years I would be starting to heal. I have hit the point of acceptance, I know the marriage is over. And yet I still dream about the stupid German, and I really hate that.

I also dream about my brother, and know he is happy. He is safe, loved, and secure. A large part of me is very happy for him. And yet another part of me is sad because his death was senseless.

I want to share something. My brother's death was caused by huffing. Apparently he had begun sniffing a video head cleaner solvent, and one night did too much. This starved his red blood cells of oxygen, and he slipped away within minutes. This death was incredibly senseless, and such a tragedy. My brother was a wonderful man, giving, caring, and never asking for anything in return. I want to hug him one last time, and yet I also want to beat the living crap out of him for doing this thing that took him away from me and my family.

I am struggling, and my faith has been shattered in a way I cannot even explain. I found solace in my church, and now I don't. I want to know what the meaning of all of this is, and am struggling to find answers. I just want to scream, and never stop. I have cried more tears in the last month that I have in my lifetime, and I don't see an end to them anytime soon. These two men were a member of three of the most important men in my life, the other being my father, and they are both gone. I feel guilty talking to my friends, even some I have met here, because I know everyone is going through a rough time, and so mostly I keep it to myself. And now I feel like I am teetering on the edge of a breakdown, and am not sure exactly how to come back from this.

Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..