SHOOT ME...

[SoCo]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. You are going through a lot of really hard things. Don't really know what to say, except stay strong and you will come out on the other side. Funny how they want the D so badly, then try to drag it along. Mine did/is doing the same thing.

[1853dave]

Hi Lola,

I've read many of your posts, and I just wanted to tell you that I am very sorry for the loss of your brother.

I'm thinking of you (many of us here are!) and I wish you better days. You have travelled a very long, bumpy road. I hope you find peace and happiness soon.

We are all alone, yet we have each other here.

[LolaL]

Thank you (((peace))) (((T2))) (((soco))) and (((dave))).

I have traveled such a long road, and every time I hit a place where I think I am at peace, it just crumbles. I am looking forward to just packing up and starting over. I have the distinct feeling that I will not be filing in TX because H won't get the paperwork done before it is time. That is fine. I will wait until I get my residency requirement in VA and file there. Hopefully by that time I will find employment, and once again be self sufficient.

Honestly I am not sure how I feel anymore. It seems the pain of missing my brother so much and missing the man I married have blended together, and sometimes I find myself crying over both. You would think after almost two years I would be starting to heal. I have hit the point of acceptance, I know the marriage is over. And yet I still dream about the stupid German, and I really hate that.

I also dream about my brother, and know he is happy. He is safe, loved, and secure. A large part of me is very happy for him. And yet another part of me is sad because his death was senseless.

I want to share something. My brother's death was caused by huffing. Apparently he had begun sniffing a video head cleaner solvent, and one night did too much. This starved his red blood cells of oxygen, and he slipped away within minutes. This death was incredibly senseless, and such a tragedy. My brother was a wonderful man, giving, caring, and never asking for anything in return. I want to hug him one last time, and yet I also want to beat the living crap out of him for doing this thing that took him away from me and my family.

I am struggling, and my faith has been shattered in a way I cannot even explain. I found solace in my church, and now I don't. I want to know what the meaning of all of this is, and am struggling to find answers. I just want to scream, and never stop. I have cried more tears in the last month that I have in my lifetime, and I don't see an end to them anytime soon. These two men were a member of three of the most important men in my life, the other being my father, and they are both gone. I feel guilty talking to my friends, even some I have met here, because I know everyone is going through a rough time, and so mostly I keep it to myself. And now I feel like I am teetering on the edge of a breakdown, and am not sure exactly how to come back from this.

[Mach1]

I am struggling, and my faith has been shattered in a way I cannot even explain. I found solace in my church, and now I don't. I want to know what the meaning of all of this is, and am struggling to find answers. I just want to scream, and never stop. I have cried more tears in the last month that I have in my lifetime, and I don't see an end to them anytime soon. These two men were a member of three of the most important men in my life, the other being my father, and they are both gone. I feel guilty talking to my friends, even some I have met here, because I know everyone is going through a rough time, and so mostly I keep it to myself. And now I feel like I am teetering on the edge of a breakdown, and am not sure exactly how to come back from this.

The great thing about friends is that most are give and take.

DBing becomes a way of life for us now. With that comes the giving back.

Most DB'ers at some point would rather give back than take, just part of our nature.

There isn't a person here that would not give you their ear to get you through a very tough time in your life....

You come back from this one step at a time...one foot on front of the other...

With your friends holding you up through the slippery parts...

Lola...you are a DB'er...and a survivor...don't ever doubt yourself.

[brandnewday]

(((((((((hugs)))))))))

You know how to reach me if you need me.

I can listen....

I may not have any of the answers, but I can listen.

[1853dave]

Still thinking of you...

[LolaL]

Life turns on a dime. Sometimes, as we all know, it is for the worse. This morning, it was for the better.

Some of you know I have been in a very dark place, some of you don't. The place I have sunk to in the last several weeks is one that I was not sure I would ever pull out of. Losing H was one thing. Losing K was another. Yesterday, in church, I had a complete meltdown. My beloved Pastor M prayed with me, for God to give me some peace and solace. Today, God sent me my beloved father.

My father called me this morning, waking me out of about the 13th hour of sleep. That is all I seem to do. I told him I had lost my job, and his response? Well, Lola, there is nothing holding you to El Paso now, so lets get you home.

Those words were the most beautiful music to my ears. Although the time frame has not changed much, still much has changed. I now fly to VA on June 2-9 to begin my interviewing. When I get back to TX, I am leaving for a two week visit in GA with my daughter. And when I return to TX, I leave for another week to finish up the interview process. When I come back, I will be here for about five more days, and will say goodbye to TX forever.

I have not told H this, and am struggling with whether or not I will. I think that I will probably send him an email the morning I am leaving, so that he will not read it until I am out of TX (I am going to CO to visit my other daughter and my brother and sister in law first before venturing east).

If anyone ever tells you that God does not answer your prayers, they are lying. It may not be exactly what you are praying for, but He listens. So many things fell in place for me today. On top of everything else, after six weeks of endless phone calls to Texas Workforce Commission to apply for unemployment (the phones were busy), I actually got through and filed my claim.

I also got a copy of Mars and Venus Starting Over in the mail today (I dont remember who posted to read this book, but whoever you are, thank you). It is amazing, and within the first chapter I have learned that I am not through the grieving process yet.

I have also realized as long as I stay in Tx I will never get through it. This place is a daily reminder of two failed marriages, and twelve years of struggling. But it is also a reminder of when I learned to love again, with H. So I begin on a journey, both literally and figuratively. It is going to be a busy month, but I am so looking forward to being busy again.

[fisherman]

Lola,

I'm glad things are looking up. I'll say a prayer for ya before I go to bed tonight.

It's not always what WE think should happen, but everything always seems to fall in it's own perfect place at just the right time. Take care of yourself, it sounds like your going to have a busy schedule for a while. You will get through it. Keep the faith and stay strong.

[LolaL]

Thanx Trapt...

The six weeks have been the worst of my life. I realize that I have held a lot back, trying to spare everyone of my inner most thoughts...even the friends I have that care about me the most. I thought maybe if I didn't allow anyone in, then no one would see how really screwed up I am.

It has been a triple whammy for me...with my brother being gone, my H being gone, and no job. I thought I would not recover. And I haven't...not yet. I still need to grieve the losses of these two men. I am going to allow myself that. I think I was trying so hard to push through it so I wouldn't hurt anymore. I hate this feeling of pain, this feeling of being helpless, and not having anyone to turn to. I feel unloved, unwanted, and wondering what I ever did to deserve all this. And I realize I didn't really do anything to deserve this. Sure, there were problems. I am not perfect. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in trying to help everyone else that I cannot see that I am hurting too.

I still do this. But for a while, I think I need to focus on getting myself back on my feet, and being surrounded by people who do love me. My dad is the bomb. I sent him an email letting him know exactly where I was at when he called this morning, and thanking him for pulling me out of it...even if he didn't know it. I am not there yet, but somehow now I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and with every step, after every day, I am closer there than I was.

I think, my friends, I finally got unstuck. Now I feel a new motivation that I have not felt in the last six weeks. It is tragic that it took something like this for me to get me motivated to actually get the h e l l out of this desert city and onto where I need to begin my next stage of my life.

I am starting over. But this time, somehow, I know I will succeed.

In the meantime, I do expect there will be a few more meltdowns before I am healed. I need to really grieve H, and I haven't allowed myself to do that in a while. I have been so angry at him for this. I still am. I cannot believe that this man that I loved so much did not have the gumption to stick it out with me, and be there. I know...I know. It is the path of the MLC'er. But at this point, I am reserving the right to be really angry that he couldn't see past his own selfish needs and realize that, at least for a moment, someone else was more important than him. It will take me a while to forgive him, but I know that in order to truly heal, I will need to do that.

In the meantime, I am going to allow myself the luxury of cursing at him every chance I get (not in person, mind you, but in my mind, here, and on paper when I journal). I want to be angry, because it feels somehow freeing. I don't know if it is or not, but it feels right.

And maybe one day I will be able to look back at this as a growth experience and remember a time when I loved him very much, and he loved me back.

[mishka422]

(((((Lola))))))


Sweetheart, I had lost your thread for a while and didn't realize it. I'm so sorry I wasn't here posting along to you while you were in the deepest of the hole. You have always been a wonderful friend and shoulder to cry on for me and I can't apologize enough for not being here for you.

I'm here now and want you to know that I admire your strength and courage. To be able to even see a new start for yourself takes an enormous amount of hutzpah!

The six weeks have been the worst of my life. I realize that I have held a lot back, trying to spare everyone of my inner most thoughts...even the friends I have that care about me the most. I thought maybe if I didn't allow anyone in, then no one would see how really screwed up I am.

Lola, I think you and I must have been separated at birth in this respect! I'm sure you know this already, but I'm going to say it because I need the reminder too....your friends do NOT want you to hold in your emotions and thoughts. If they would rather not hear your pain, then they aren't real friends. I've done the same thing, held in the pain and struggle because I don't want to scare them off. I thought that showing them the suffering would make them see me as weak and pathetic. I even held back from my family. I still do it, but not to the extent I did.

Don't wear a mask to your friends, they will see right through it and then possibly stop trusting you because of it. If they don't get the real you, they may stop being real with you too.

I'm so excited for you and all the changes you are making in your life. New state, new job, new challenges......new LIFE!!!!!!!!!!

I will be reading along and you know how to get in touch with me in the alt (my number is there also if you want to chat). I luv ya girl!!!