Has anyone heard that their spouse does not want to be responsible or a parent? My husband came into our relationship at a young age (23). I was already in my 30's with 3 children. He has said his major motivation for leaving is that he doesn't want to be a dad. He feels as if he is a bad role model. He also says he doesn't want to be responsible for anyone but himself.
Makes sense. He is young and they are not his real children.
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Now mind you we also have the issue of him seeing me as a mother figure instead of as a wife. This is all due to nagging and me always being the responsible one ie. making sure the bills got paid and stuff got done. I told him when we first got together that I did not want to be his mother nor did I want to raise him and I meant it. I feel as if I was forced to be his mother when it was something I balked at repeatedly. I would tell him I did not want to have to remind him of things because it made me feel like I was trying to be his mother, yet he would forget so many things that it became a standing joke in our house.
Big mistake on your part. You ARE his mother now.
Why do you want to be with a man like this? Seriously. From all indications this is not a man, but an undisciplined boy with a huge lack of motivation. You have played right into this.
I ask again. Why are you not asking yourself the same things I am asking you. Why would a woman with three children want "another child" (and that is all he is) and why would she want to be with someone who doesn't want the responsibility of children. Not only that, but he doesn't want the responsibility of much anything. And yet, you still want him and still mothered him.
You SHOULD be telling yourself.. Thank God he is gone. I do NOT want a man that doesn't want to take responsibility and one who doesn't want to help raise my children. I want a man who wants to call my children "our" children. This is a self esteem issue on YOUR end. If you raise your self esteem then you WILL be saying these things to yourself.
Not only the above things are evident, but on top of that he is now having an affair with an ex FRIEND of yours. Yet, you still want him back? I don't see what he has to offer YOU.
What? A man who needs to be mothered? A man who has even told you he doesn't want responsibility? A man who you can't trust? A man who doesn't want to raise YOUR children?
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He says he doesn't want to be a dad and sadly he spent the last 7 months telling his problems to my best friend because he said he couldn't tell me.
BELIEVE HIM.
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He said when he was leaving that he didn't want to be responsible for anyone else that if he didn't have a job, didn't want to wake up until 3pm, or didn't feel like eating it wouldn't affect anyone else.
The kind of men who say this are immature boys. This is what you have is an immature boy. He doesn't want to be with a "mom" You have become his mom.
Again. Why would you want to be with someone who is another child and you are the mom? I think this is as much about you and what you think of yourself as it is him. It is as clear as the nose on my face that he is telling you EXACTLY what you not only need to know, but have known for some time. He is not mature enough to be in a relationship with any woman, let alone a woman with three children.
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After we talked on Friday, he said he would call me back that night to let me know what he was going to do with his dog. No call. Didn't call Saturday either.
Now. More proof of immaturity. The pattern is obvious. He needed to be called on this behavior by you a LONG TIME AGO. You ENABLED this behavior and tolerated it. Why? Why would you tolerate childish behavior from a love interest?
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He finally left me a message on MSN telling me he didn't know what he was going to do, that he didn't want to take him to the shelter, and was seriously thinking about letting him out in the woods somewhere. He thinks he will have a better chance to make it out in the woods than at the shelter.
THINK about that. What kind of person does this? Letting any dog out in the woods like this is one thing, but a dog that has been in the family home? Does this not tell you anything?
Again.. Why? Why would your self esteem be overlooking the facts and truth? You SHOULD be thinking that YOU don't need or want HIM (or any other man that can't or won't pull his weight)
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I'm just so confused. I know that I love this man. I have been reading and reading so many things trying to figure out what I should be doing.
You should be doing NOTHING. Absolutely nothing except letting him FEEL that you are RELIEVED that he is gone and that you should have kicked him to the curb sooner. THAT is what makes a person like this wake up. Doing everything for him has set a pattern of mother-son. You STILL want to do this for him. You STILL want to help him see his way back. It is the same pattern as always. NOTHING is your answer. You do NOTHING for him. Let him do it by himself or let him have the new gf do it for him. (which she may well be doing now)(he then has a "new mommy")
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I was driving home the other day realizing how much I took for granted going home to my husband.
I don't agree with this. HE is the one that took you for granted. Your self esteem is the issue here. (I am not saying you were perfect, but you are certainly not seeing this clearly because of the way you feel about yourself)
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What does it mean when you ask a spouse to take away your hope and tell you that they want a divorce and they won't do it?
This is WHO he is. He never follows through on much of anything. Why? Because you do it for him, or his parents, or his new gf. He finds those who will do things for him. He has it down to a science. In THIS case, I WOULD do it for him. I would slap him with quick divorce papers.
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I told him that I would not be texting him, calling him, emailing, or contacting him and that if he needed anything he knew where I was and how to get in touch with me.
"Okay, I won't bother you son, but whenever you need anything please please call me so that I can help you out again. I will ber right here waiting and hoping for you"
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I am going to do what I can for myself and my kids and move on. It's all I can do.
Work to change that thought to: "It what I WANT to do"
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I used the excuse that I needed to take his mail to him in order to accomplish this. I was a giddy schoolgirl not sure what to say or how to act. Not at all like the person I am. I knocked on the door and he finally answered it.
(See Gucci wince) Not good. These types of things are not good. I have had women do these to me in the past. It was ALWAYS a turnoff. I had one call me and tell me she was stopping over. I told her not to and that it wasn't a good idea. She stopped ANYWAY, after I told her not too.. (that relationship ended right then and there in my mind)
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Being with me means being responsible, being a father to 3 children, and working on a relationship.
Correct. You should be telling yourself this in a positive and firm way. Like this... "I am going to be with a man who is responsible, who want to be a father to MY 3 children, and wants to be with me and is a partner with me"
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I admit to not being as interested in his interests as I could be
Wonder why. I wonder why a woman with 3 children, that works full time, that takes care of everything at home because her husband won't... I wonder why she wouldn't be interested in being immature and having no responsibilities.... HHHMMM... Why would that be?
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No it is not a deal breaker or I wouldn't still be here
I don't think he will come back UNTIL you let him believe it IS a deal breaker. The best way to get a child to grow up is to let him stand or fall on his own.
I think you need to get "tough" (not mean, but TOUGH)
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He said he felt like I would get angry and not listen. Which to be honest toward the end of our relationship I did get angry and not listen. It's hard to feel sympathy for someone when you yourself are in so much pain, but still going and working 12 hour shifts and your spouse sits on his butt playing video games, playing on his computer, and rarely cleans, and has claimed for 3.5 years that he is trying, but being a daddy and cleaning a house is hard (children are 10, 14, and 16 and clean the house and feed themselves).
I ask again.. WHY are you wanting this person back? I believe this has more to do with your self esteem than anything. You are tolerating UNACCEPTABLE behavior. Not only that, but you WANT this person back. This confuses me.
My conclusions...
Stop pursuing him in any way, shape or form. This INCLUDES dropping his mail off to him (more mommy behavior) Let him call you and let him take care of his own mail... (and whatever else he has slacked on) Don't call him and tell him he has mail to pick up.
I think you need to work on and then ANSWER the question of why would I feel this way about someone who lack motivation, is immature, is having an affair, and has done basically nothing to enhance my life as a mother, a lover or a woman.
