Analysis Paralysis is where you can’t make any forward progress because you bog yourself down in details, tweaking, brainstorming, research and … anything but just getting on with it. Sound familiar?
Honestly Renee...
Does it really matter?
No two situations are the same.
What works for one person, may not work for another.
Try to deal with the situation at hand and the reality of it all.
You are basically beating a dead horse now.
I am assuming your Son is graduating from High School soon.
What are his plans?
College? Armed Forces? Job?
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Another thing to remember, Renee, is that an MLCer will act differently from a WAH.
My H was bogged down in confusion and indecision from the beginning. To this day, he still doesn't know what he wants. The mixed messages he has been sending me for years almost drove me crazy and, in the long run, only kept me stuck along with H.
Your XH has acted much more decisively. That's why a lot of people here (including myself) think he is WAH instead of MLC.
There are differences between MLC and WAH but the DB rules (for LBS's) are the same .. GAL, move forward, and live as though your H is never coming back. IF, somewhere down the road, he wants to renew a R with you, that's fine - but don't wait on it to happen. You will have a good life going for you.
You're still new at this and it's common to analyze behavior. It's hard to do but try and start being less concerned about what XH is doing and redirect your thoughts toward making a new improved life for yourself (like BND suggested).
Valeria I am going on with my life and I do not intend to just sit and wait. I am trying to stand for my marriage, even though we are divorced. The only thing that is bothering me, and I know I shouldnt let it is the gf is really trying to get under my skin. I have ignored them both for over 2 months now and doing the best I can. I was hoping after ignoring them that they would stop but it continues. She puts alot of stuff on her myspace, childish stuff, like xxx xxxx's LOVE or His one true love, going home to my happily ever after. Stuff like this. When I dont look, plenty of people tell me. Alot of people know us in this small town and they make it a point to let me know what she or he is doing. It dont matter if I tell them everyone I dont want to heat it, they do it anyway. They tell me when he comes into my work, they tell me when and what he says about me at the gym, its everywhere. People constantly tell me how they feel about him. I know they mean well, I just listen. I do find myself in converstaions that I wish I hadnt gotten into. I dread when they get married. WHEW! I may as well get us to it, I cant avoid it. There is this one guy I would like to have dinner with, but he is afraid of making my xh mad. This is the way people are acting. He was a cop and most people think he still is. I dont know what else to do. I havent spoken with my xh in about 2 months and he still is bringing up the situation to others. Some tell him they dont want to hear it. He is constantly trying to explain himself. Why cant he just let it be?
SoConfused I really dont think they mean to hurt me. I just dont understand why my xh cant let the talk about me go.
I am having a bad evening tonight for some reason. I am really missing him right now. I havent felt this way in a long time. Sometimes I get soooo lonely and right now I am just longing to hear is voice. I would love to call him, but I cant. I am doing so well about not contacting him and I cant do it. I think if I just heard his voice once in a while it would help me but would it? I mean truly, would it help me or make things worse for me? Putting him out of my life cold turkey is hurting me so much at times. I dont know if I can do this.
just dont understand why my xh cant let the talk about me go.
why take ownership of a problem thats not yours...it simply doesnt matter
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I think if I just heard his voice once in a while it would help me but would it? I mean truly, would it help me or make things worse for me? Putting him out of my life cold turkey is hurting me so much at times.
it would be worse, why subject yourself to his abuse???
IMHO you are no where near ready to date. the one guy that mentioned going out you chased for answer. you are still trying to replace your xh. fill that anguished void in your life. wouldnt be healthy and certainly not fair to the OP.
hows the hunt for counseling coming? hows the little nephew coming along. i would think you would put your energy into him instead of your xh and his antics
that gf is as messed up as he is. That R is a loaded time bomb. sit on the curb and watch them implode.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
" I don't need to and I don't care to know", and then walk away.
They won't quit giving you details until YOU show them that you truly do not want to listen to it.
If you stay in one place while they're telling you this dribble, you will continue to be treated like a person that wants/likes to be updated on her xhs and gf life. Is that what you want? If not, THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Quit listening, and start standing up for yourself!
These people know exactly what they are doing. Some people like to see other people bleed. It makes them feel more secure in their own little life to know that someone else is going through problems worse than their own.
And if that guy is afraid of your xh, than lets face it...he's probably a fair-weather friend at most, and wouldn't be someone that you could trust to be their for you. And as another poster stated, you're really not acting like you're ready for dating anyway. Besides, if you're standing for your marriage like you said, dating is not standing. So you'll have to decide which path you're going to take...can't do both .
The more you try to analyze, the more you stay in one place. We've all done it....that's why we ended up here...but we also learn that trying to understand gets us know where. Once we accept that it was WAS that failed the marriage, and not us...that's when we start to move forward. We made mistakes too, but we did not give up on our vows and commitments.
Have you called Resources for Living yet? If not, why not?
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Creed is right, you can control what you want to hear from people. If they start talking about xh then tell them you don't want to hear it and if they continue walk away. If they can't respect your wishes then they aren't a true friend.
My stbx MIL was the same way. She used to call me and talk about stbxh and his new gf until I told her I didn't want to hear it. I told her if she wanted to continue a relationship with me then she had to not talk about him. I don't care to know what he is doing.
