Is there any hope or is the damage done

[innishannon]

Dear Mark,

Thanks for posting it means a great deal to me.....
Its hard isnt it; you marry this person because you love and respect them, because you trust them.
And then they change, Change is always a good thing but you woudl hope that the small issue in a marriage called commitment would serve as an umbrella of understanding and tolerance in relation to that change.
My H has been saying that i am not well in the head, I am suicidal and I am adanger t our daughter. The OW would most certainly be validating all of this but lets face it he employs her; she is being PAID by him. Why wouldnt she kick in and validate him, especially when the company is in trouble and she wants to keep her job.
I dont know, maybe they are in love.....
I loved my H in the best way I knew how; I also made mistakes like any other spouse.
At the end of the day we have to be strong for our kids and lead the best life we can for both them and us. And I guess whether our WAS see the light or not we will never know but surely in the end it is their loss; if they walk out on a family unit. Isnt that the stuff of life?

[markhaving probs]

Innishannon,

I have just been reading some of your situation and it is so like mine and many others here. I have been betrayed by my wife who did not want counselling or mediation, nothing. This all blew up in December 08 and after 15 years and two young children we will be divorced by July.

She is in a big hurry to unveil the OM and make it look like it was a natural meeting between them. We love our spouses dearly and yet they have so little respect for us when they are in this fog. I made mistakes too, but all I wanted was to be given the opportunity to correct things, but unfortunately she never gave me the chance, which is so frustrating.

Do we really want somebody that can break up a family unit so that they can have 'me time'?

[bluerain]

I think that part of the reason that they become so cruel and say such hateful things is because they need to justify their actions. They are doing something that they cant even approve of on when its true face value is exposed. Honestly: He is walking away from his spouse and child, to be with another woman! Has he ever approved of adultery? Im guessing that he has not. My H HAD impeccible morality where M and vows were concerned. They cant live with the true nature of what they are doing. Denial! So they make up terrible things to think about you, and they repeat them so much that they honestly beleive them, and the OP fuels it.

And then, one day, the OP is gone and they realize what they have done. And it will be crushing for him.

[markhaving probs]

Too true bluerain and well said.

[innishannon]

Thanks so much for your post; it has been without doubt the most traumatic day of my life.
I didnt get the barring order; this basically means that because my H is under a protection order he is allowed freely in the house but is under surveillance.
My L arrived slightly late, my H arrived a few minutes earlier wearing the suit he married me in which really hurt. He was in fine form , laughing and cracking jokes with his solicitor and with other people waiting to go into the court house.
My L spoke with H's L with an offer to carry out an undertaking to agree to stay away from the marital home unless by prior arrangement and agreement.H's L completely rejected this with the only concession that they were willing to make being that when H is having access in the family home I would need to leave. I of course rejected this completely.So into court we went. the battlelines were drawn.
I gave my evidence first, the judge asked me a few questions about how I would define the term threat by my H. I answered and then preceded to be cross examined by H's L. It was shocking; he savaged me; suggesting that the separation was amicable until I found out about H's OW, which I denied; accusing me of taking out the orders to try and punish H for being in a new relationship, pinpointing my study and work abroad as being a case for his client to have to have taken on the role of primary carer.
One of the most upsetting things is that my H had requested the court to hear a witness. This person is his ex wifes partner, the man who broke up my H's first marriage, he is head of psychology at a university nearby and my H was calling him in to give a psychological assessment of our D7. this was refused thank god.
I am shocked and appalled at how my H is working with all of this. he was cold and unemotional, stared at me when I was being slammed by his L. He has also been spreading rumours around the arts community here, suggesting that I am sick in the head, I want everything my own way and that I am impossible to live with.
my fear and sneaking suspicion is that he is indeed serious with OW and that they are planning to get d to stay with them.
I will fight this hard.
I am so destabilised by this man, who looks like my H but is out to ignore and destroy.
I feel unprotected, especially emotionally. He has broken my heart and my trust.
Sorry I am so low, just a little overwhelmed............

[bluerain]

Im sorry, that sounds like a terrible thing to have gone through. I guess just take one day at a time. Do you journal? It might help you to sort out some of your feelings. One thing that I did was to write letters. I never sent any of them, I would take them down to the beach and burn them.

You dont ever have to apologize for being low on here, we have all been there at least once.

A lot of people also exercise, the physical activity and endorphins are really good for you. Most importantly, remember to take care of yourself, eat and sleep!

[innishannon]

Thanks bluerain.........
Oh boy, have just woken up and am really struggling everyone
Its hitting me just what I am dealing with here. A WAW in MLC. And I think that he hates me.
I have given ten years of my life.......he has now moved into a completely different life and i am heartbroken
I dont understand how i can suffer like this; he has just left me with nothing and i dont know what to do; how to cope, how to care for our D.
he is fighting me and fighting me dirty........legally, personally.
He has erased me from his existence
Please can someone help; because of the delayed reaction of the court case today is a bad day
Top Edit

[markhaving probs]

innis,

I am really sorry to hear what happened at court. Even the thing with your husband's wedding suit was just so unneccessary, cruel and selfish. It seems to me he has moved on and is fast-tracking his way to a new life. This does not mean it is all over by any means if you want to reconcile, but that clearly is not on your H's agenda at the moment. There are strategies and suggestions you can glean from DR, in your case, like mine I went straight to LRT (Last Resort Technique). Please get a copy of the book as soon as you can.

I am sorry to be so blunt but even though my W and I have not gone to court yet, all the other symptoms your H shows are exactly the same as my W - simply WAS behaviour.

The advice given to me and what is finally sinking in after 5 months, is to concentrate on yourself and your daughter. As bluerain said I have gained a great lift from going to the gym or exercising at home if the gym is not possible. You cannot control your H at all, but what you can control is what you do with your life and the life of your daughter. She needs to know you are there for her, support her and tell her you and your H love her both and it is not her fault as my two young children have uttered to me, which was incredibly hurtful and sad.

Your L will do the best for you legally so at least you can control the visitation and maintenance settlement, and as the primary carer you should have the best chance of getting what is required to be able to assist you and your daughter. You will do everything for your daughter, you will need to speak to family/friends - they will help you try and get some clarity.

Can you go to your parents or a close friend(s) for the weekend? It would do you good to get away from the marital home and you would be able to vent with people and it would also help to take your mind of things if you are with other people.

As all LBS's (Left Behind Spouse) experience, our WAS erase their previous existence with us to try and assume it never happened. I went to my house the other day and I saw in the bin our wedding place names, our wedding pin cushion, there were no photographs of us in the house....nothing to suggest I existed. This is one of the most hurtful things I have experienced, but there is nothing I can do the make her see sense.

I am desperately trying to surrender/let go as I read in 'No More Mr Nice Guy'. I have asked for advice on 'dropping the rope' from gucciloafer who has really helped me on this subject and other posters who have chipped in (thank you to them). I do not know whether you want to do this at the moment, but this information is under my Newcomers thread.

It is still very raw for you and we all feel your pain. For fear of repeating myself, try and get away to change the atmosphere, do not initiate any contact with your H unless it pertains to your D and look after yourself and your D.

We are all here for you.

Mark x

[innishannon]

Mark,

I am simply blown away by your post, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Yes, it seems as if my husband has moved on and is not looking back; has erased me and our life together to pursue his new life with OW.
It just simply hurts like there was no tomorrow.
my mum is with me here from Australia but I have no other family around me; my H's family were my family here for 10 years and now they wont even acknowledge that I exist.
We went to stay with very close friends last weekend; i have to work this weekend so need to be around home.
i think that taking walks and trying to get some exercise is the right things to do for sure.
u am nmb Mark, completely numb. My H has turned into someone who is horrendous, I am frightened.
The psychologist element, I have no doubt, is to begin his campaign of painting me out to be an unfit mother, psychologically unstable, suicidal.
its a complee nightmare; I love my child with all of my heart; she is 7 and needs to be with her mother, not a 54 year old man who is living with his lover, even though he is her father.
I want her to have ius both in her life but the right place for her is in the family home with me, we live one minute from her school and this is her stability here.
I am so sorry to hear about your sitch, I truly understand your pain and the suffering you have been through.
WAS is probably harder than MLC because they are so resolute arent they. My h is so focused, has ot wavered his path once in teh last 3 and a half months since he left.
Its hard to think of the OW as irrelevant. to me she is the straw that broke the camels back.

Thanks
I x

[markhaving probs]

I,

We are all in this together so just keep posting.

It's uncanny as to how alot of our situations are so similar. In all the time since December '08 when this all happened my parents-in-law or brother-in-law have not at any stage offered their support or comiserations to me. In fact, I have not had any contact with them at all, as though it was ALL my fault. I would love to know why this is so, though I must admit I did not really see eye-to-eye with my mother-in-law, but I was close to my father-in-law which seems so strange to me.

My wife is focused and unwavering because she is set on a new life. I still want to reconcile which makes it more difficult for me to completely focus on my future and that of my children's.

From what I read you have made a definitive statement on your future, that is a good thing as you can start to plan for you and your daughter. People will tell you like me that there is somebody out there who will love us for what we are. I cannot even think about any of that at the moment but there is a future and we can be happy.

I have learnt so much from reading and studying this site to the enth degree. I have learnt about myself, relationships, do's and dont's and I honestly believe I am becoming a better person for it. My children are so important to me now when ashamedley I neglected their needs as well as my wife's in the past, I just wish I could have put my changes into practice within the family unit. The support and advice here has been incredible and a life-saver for me.

Take heart i and try to take it one day at a time and try to improve yourself. It really is the only way.

Mark x