A couple more weeks and no significant differences...this is my therapy...write what I think and hope to get some feedback...feeling a little down today...my wife called earler today to say she was working late, then right after that I was told by some coworkers that they saw my wife earlier in the day in a car with another man...I texted her to ask her who she was with...she didn't respond...she came home late this evening, walked right by me, went straight to bed, and totally ignored me.
I have continued attempting to give her space; I make no attempts at ML; no attempts at touching, hugging, and kissing; she of course makes no attemptes either; it feels so strange, so cold and empty in my home. I hug and kiss my mother in front of her. I hug and kiss my kids in front of her. Even the dog is happy to see me when I come home. Why not her? I made a couple of efforts to hug and kiss and she just pushed me away.
Our son had another outburst at school last week while I was out of town. The school called me and I informed her. She spoke to them and indicated our son may be expelled if he has another outburst. I provided her the info on the counselor and request she set up the appointment. To this day she has not. The kids had a denstist appointment today. We typically almost always go to all their appointments together, but I took them and she did not show up. While gone last week, she did not once even work with the kids on their homework, but then I get home and am doing it everyday. She just yesterday yelled at the kids when they asked if she would take them to the park after school because she said she doesn't get enough sleep because of them which may be the case, but she is on anti-depressants during the day and sleeping pills at night. These are just examples as to why she is an unfit mother in my opinion, but how do I express this?
Do I ask her to leave? Do I wait for her to threaten to leave again? If she goes, do I try to stop her from taking the kids? So many questions? So many issues and challenges? This sucks!
The Coach says I need to do something to ignite the spark. I tried the weekend getaway and although I thought it went well, the next day she said again, "I don't want to ML to you, I don't want to kiss you, I don't want to be with you..." I tried attempting a hug and kiss in front of my mother and kids and she didn't respond. I tried attempting to ML in the middle of the night and she said no. I got up got, dressed up and went out to a club until late. Came home, went to bed, and she said nothing. Have continued going to church and taking the kids with me, but she doesn't go. We made some efforts on home improvements, but we can't seem to agree on things so little progress is made. She criticizes my efforts to where I lose desire to do them, but she makes no efforts of her own other then complain that I have made any. That is her modus operendi to constantly criticize me when bathing the children, when helping with their homework, cooking, cleaning, even trying to teach my son to ride a bike. She makes no efforts to do these things, but constantly criticizes me when I do them. What does this mean? The criticism makes me angry and although I say very little to avoid arguments it then makes me want to do less.
I am trying to "Act as if" she is not even here doing all the things I would do whether she was hear or not, i.e. spending time with the kids, working out everyday, doing whatever it is I want to do, etc. But if just feels so strange to almost be functioning independently of her in a house under the same roof. She has become like a roommate instead of my wife.
I had planned to take the kids to visit their cousins next month and she originally had said that she wanted to come along, but recently she said to go withour her.
I feel mentally exhausted. I am barely functioning at work. I still attempt to work out at the gym everyday. I still spend time with the kids everyday doing homework, riding bikes, going to the park, playing games, reading storie, etc. all before bedtime. My other personal saving grace has been reconnecting and even flirting with HS friends on facebook...is this healthy? I come home from work, visit and eat dinner with the kids, do homework, play games, ensure they bath, read stories, then ensure they are in bed. [The kids got to know or feel that something is going on right? It can't be good for them to see that their mother and father rarely speak and hardly ever touch. How can we teach them to love and respect when we don't show each other the same? Granted I have tried, but her lack of response must be obvious. I feel so bad for my kids.] The W usually eats dinner with us, but then goes straight to bed or watches TV until she goes to sleep. After everyone is in bed, I either watch TV, play video games, or am on the net such as this site and or facebook as well as others. I feel too tired to go out, but know that is what I should do. I have to go out of town for work next week, so will probably try to have some fun, but will of course be concerned that my W is screwing around. I guess it doesn't matter as she may already be doing it so what's it matter right?
I guess it is really over huh? When is enough is enough? Maybe I should initiate the Big D. Enough rambling I am going to sleep now. Thanks.
