OMG! PearlHarbr, you are like the wispering voice in my head that I should be listening to but am somehow always pushing it away. I love the fact that you are so up front. It actually makes the situation be more organized somehow. Like I have a plan. I think that is what you are trying to get me to see.
OK. Honestly, I did not leave the house today. Yes, I know I was supposed to go to Barnes & Noble but never got around to it. I was still doing ok......as I had to talk to people to arrange for my coming up move and the day passed.
I do not have any GAL activities lined up as I will be leaving this place in 2 weeks and then one week at my parents and then I will be at my final destination. I envy him working bc he has an escape and I would be lying if I said I was not looking forward to July 1st, when I start working.
Its funny that you said this, but I started reading a mystery today and have been engrossed in that for awhile......and actually did not check the forum until just now.
My plan for tomorrow will be
1. to get to 7pm! I know I can push myself that much.
2. I will make it to Monday night without calling H. I can set a 3 day goal for not contacting H.
I really needed that swift kick! I am not trying to be controlling........but, when you said that and I thought about it....oh yes I am. I want him to think I am worth fighting for. I want to emotionally try to sway him to me in some way! OH MY!
3. I have heard of people having a book club online.....and I will check that option out tomorrow so that I can belong to a group even when I am mobile.
4. I want my H. I have decided that for the time being and I am willing to go to just about whatever lenghts that is required. I think what I am hearing is that the length that is required is for me to just let him be....Its hard...but, I did say whatever it takes!
I will not talk to my friends about this as it does not make me feel good in the end.
5. I will not pick up his call, if by chance he calls.
6. I will not return email/text ASAP. I will give it a day. H totally did that! I did not even pick up on that!
7. I will go to Barnes & Noble tomorrow, without fail.
I am not sure what activity I would like to do. Things that are out of my relm are: art & dancing (though I have always wanted to learn the salsa). I have always wanted to learn to speak spanish, but have never gotten around to it. I was thinking of getting my hair highlighted....I have not done that in awhile and I always have loved it when I did that.
8. It will be hard to NOT initiate and just wait for him to call. But, when the urge strikes I promise to reread this reply from you PearlHarbr and not react impulsively. I will write and write on this blog if I must.
I feel like you are some beacon of light for me right now....I am trying to not lean on anyone too much.......but, this has been the most amazing way to end my day! It started out and ended with a plan of action. That is what I need. It definately makes me feel better. I did have a bad 5-6 hrs...but, not bad for 2 weeks 2 days into this chaos!
Thank You so much!
There are no words......having read your sitch, I can only imagine how you are getting thru ur chaos and yet ultimately turning it around and becoming strong for yourself.
That is the key in all this. I keep letting myself down.....but, I just have to keep trying and one day, I will hopefully be there when I'm not looking!
I am completely in that same place. I swear I just keep thinking this is a nightmare and of course I will wake up from it. How can this be? But yesterday after reading thru the D papers again, I think my reality is really setting in. I think that is why today was so so hard for me. Just having looked at those papers is psychologically a deafening blow! No way to ignore it.
I will use your technique of saying "I like myself" over and over again tomorrow thru out the day. I used something like that when I was getting back to my career. I took a lot of time off and let's just say that too has been a long journey. But, I am on the path I always wanted to be on once again. So that is one really good thing in my life.
I hope that you have a better day tomorrow. I will read your sitch and if I can help I will. I myself and so new at this and as you can tell, still really learning how to cope! Thank you for your reply and suggestion.
PearlHarbr, You have given me many things to do. I will get started on it first thing tomorrow. I really need to set some goals. You doing this has really given me something to strive for....
I can definately start implementing a daily walk to get started with my GAL activities.
AK, are you asking about self-help books or fun books?
Full disclosure: I am not a reader. And I am a huge procrastinator. So I really haven't read a lot of books. But what I have read has helped me and a lot of others swear by it too.
Kenn posted a link to a post on suggested self-help books upthread. Here's the link again. I know I've seen lists on other threads but I have no idea where they are.
I think it depends a little bit on your personal sitch and what you want/need to focus on.
Books I've seen mentioned and recommended repeatedly (but haven't personally read):
Learned Optimism His Needs, Her Needs Passionate Marriage Codependent No More Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus The Five Love Languages
Books I have partially or fully read:
Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum A lot of people here hated this book. I read it before I found DR. It leads you through a series of questions and guidelines to help you determine if it's better for you to stay or leave. I know almost all the people here will say they already know they want to stay. But if you aren't 100% sure or are struggling to decide if something is a deal breaker (AK), I think this book is helpful. In fact, I am going to reread it now that I am not 100% sure my R with xBF is the right one for me after everything that has happened.
You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen John Gray's Mars/Venus book is the one everyone reads, but I read this book as a communications major in college and loved it. I think it probably covers the same gender differences in communication styles: rapport (relationship building) talk vs. report (just the facts) talk. I need to reread this one too.
Learn to Be an Optimist by Lucy MacDonald Again, Learned Optimism seems to be a favorite, but this is a smaller book with exercises as you go along. Great for a non-reader.
Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass Highly recommended by a lot of people, me included. Looks at how and why emotional affairs start and how to deal with infidelity.
After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring Another good book for dealing with affairs. This one is more practical with a program to work through together.
Whew! I really hope this was the list you were looking for AK! If you wanted fluff books I'll have to do that tomorrow since it's already past my bedtime.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
First book to try is - "Getting Back Together"...... Don't let the title fool you.. the first few chapters are all about how to help you and setting goals.....
Hey!!!! hang in there... you have friends! you know 3-4 more people today than you did just a week ago! Life is great isn't it???????
You are right! If he just decides to up and leave, I am better off. I have been on my own many times and I have done fine. I just have never wanted to do that.
But, I do have more friends than I had a week ago and it is an amazing thing! I feel grateful and a bit like I have an ace up my sleeve with all of you helping me along.
I am mad this morning. Just woke up that way. It is not fair and there are some major communication gaps between us. No matter what, this need to be addressed.
He had mentioned that he could not stop thinking of me as his "student", bc he has been coaching me for awhile now on my career. WHATEVER!!! What a great excuse to not deal with his own problems. Let's pin them on me. If that is the case, then we need to change our interaction, not file for D! Am I wrong?
I think in a M, we put on a lot of different hats and that is the beauty of it. It gives both of you a lot of support and space to grow.
The more I think about it, the more I think he may have been planning this for the past 4 months. He made me accept the job offer in early Feb. He got a job offer from the same place, but turned it down bc it wasn't enough money; and promising that he would take some other job and we would of course be together. I did not want to buy a home yet, but he really pushed me to do that as well. Thank God I got out of that mess. He was just making sure I would be ok.....so he can go have his MLC and not think about me, bc he set me up as best as anyone could. AHH!! I am so not that helpless of a human being. Really, its a little insulting. I swear I am not this pathetic.
I will live a good life because that is what I have always tried to do. For now, its too fresh to think about the rest of my life. So, for now, I will do my best for today.
Anyways, in an hour, I am getting out of this house to get some self help books and to take my walk and going to the video store to rent "yes man".
Really I have 10 days before my move begins...and life becomes crazy for the next 10 days, until I move into my new apartment.
I am going to make it thru this weekend. I think I have been dreading the weekend.....but, thanks to all of you, I have some renewed energy and positivity. I will make it to 7 pm and then, I will watch a movie. I will do my best to keep to PearlHarbr's Rules...
Have a great day everyone and talk to you all later today.
My heart goes out to you. I know you feel like you're a wreck right now, but I know for a fact your inner strength will surprise even you throughout this ordeal - no matter what the outcome.
If you're looking for another book suggestion, I recommend Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I read it during the early stages of my marriage turmoil (and again later on) and it helped me so much. It's one woman's memoir of a year of traveling after the breakup of her marriage. A lot of people seem to think she's self-absorbed, but it's a journey of self-discovery, so I think self-absorption is kinda necessary. It was necessary for me to focus on me and it's what got me through last year.
Hang in there, kiddo. You're going to be just fine.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Well, I knew I should not have done it, but I did. I called the D attorney bc when H gave me the D papers, he told me I was supposed to have the 'financial disclosure form' turned in within 3 weeks and I will be at 3 weeks this tuesday.
Well, the short story......I don't have to have it in by 3 weeks...........and he has turned his in this week. The other shoe just dropped for me.
What more is there to say.
But, I am not turning this or any other paperwork in until he tells me WHY he wants to file for divorce. He wants space while going ahead with the D?
I just do not know if I will be able to do this. He isn't thinking anything over....he has made his plan and he is carrying it out.
I am making it easy for him cuz he has no contact with me and I am not his responsibility anymore. I really hope I am doing the right thing. Its like at every turn, this just doesn't look good. I think I am at a <5% chance of recovery now.
Its like one step forward, 2 steps back.
I don't know.........I guess in a way nothing has changed. He has filed for D and he is just doing the steps asked of him from the Lawyer. I guess all this means is that he is filing for D.
