I feel like my entire life is falling apart, and I cannot stop it.

The job market here is so bad that I cannot find any job. I have even tried to apply for positions at Target, Kmart, Dish network, and apparently I am overqualified. I cannot get through to the Texas workforce commission to file for unemployment because {gasp} the phones are always busy. I went down to their office, only to discover that they don't do that at the office, you have to do it online (for which I need to get through to reset my password), so basically I have to wait until they answer the damned line.

I miss my brother. He and I had a bond that we shared through our entire lives. Our childhood was tough, with losing our mother at a young age and then living with an abusive stepmother for many years. That brought us closer together. I love my other brothers, don't get me wrong. But K and I were the only two children from my father's marriage to our mother, and now I feel with my mother and brother gone, I am alone. My brothers are married and have their lives. My father is married.

Which brings me to stbxh. I miss him. Not who he is, but who he was. And yet I question whether or not he ever really loved me. How do you just up and walk away from someone when five minutes before you were telling them you love them?

This last six weeks has left me feeling shattered and broken. I feel so alone. I wish there was someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me everything will be okay.

But I keep thinking soon, this will be better. I will be back on the east coast, near my family, and won't feel so alone. If I need to cry, there will be someone there to give me a hug and tell me everything will be okay.

And yet tonight, I miss my stbxh so much. I don't want to anymore. I have told him not to call me because it is too hard to talk to him. Thankfully, he hasn't. But he also still has not filed the Motion we need from the Bankruptcy court to file the divorce. That in itself is very frustrating to me, because this is all he wanted for the last 20 months, and now that I have agreed to do it, he is dragging his heels. It would not be a problem if I had a job so I could pay the filing fee. But I have to rely on him, and I know he won't file it because he won't want to spend the money.

I feel lonely and empty.

Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..