Ack, Sam, that's exactly what I was/am going through. It's hard to get back on the roller coaster after you've previously gotten off and were happy on an even keel.
Keep your chin up!
And yes, that was good that dinner was her own idea.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I think I managed to get back off.. Feeling pretty confident again! Got a couple of good workouts done, those always work good for me! Then some unsollicited comments from coworkers on how good I look ("Have you lost more weight?"; "Man! Don't lose any more or you'll fly away!" LOL!), so I feel pretty good again!
Yeah, I was really starting to feel pissed off, but I knew that wouldn't help anything. Then I realized that she still feels emotionally close enough to tell me these kind of personal things, so that made me feel a little better.
The twins just go back and forth between "mommy's house" and daddy's house" without too much trouble. Every once in a while they will not want to go to W's apt, because they don't have any toys there (W says they think it's boring at her place). Of course, she does have some toys, plenty I think, but not enough in their minds. Then she'll get them a new toy and then they don't want to come to my place, but that usually doesn't last but 5 minutes and is over once we get home.
I think I managed to take the few steps back that were required to keep the detachment going a little longer. However, it will be difficult to maintain that during our vacation together. I think I will be emotionally as close as I can during that time, then be detached again afterwards. I've noticed more contact being initiated lately, from emails saying she found this cool photography website and how I need to make something like that for my photos to new artwork she's made and wants to know what I think, to new business ideas she's had and what I think about that. She texts me little inside jokes. She also keeps telling me about the people in her town that she works with, complaining about them, that she's playing counselor for this other friends couple, that she's getting pissed off at this other person, that she has to cook meat for a dinner when she doesn't eat meat anymore, etc... but then she turns around and goes out of her way to help them with stuff they could perfectly do themselves but are too lazy or don't want to do. I think she still needs to learn how to say NO to people, but that's something that came up a long time before the sitch.
We went to a concert on Fri and we had a great time. Talked all the way over there, all the way back, during dinner... Feels great! It's different from a few months ago, less tension, so I feel like it's a step in the right direction. Gotta see where it goes from here I guess.
She's suggested that we take the kids to this event this upcoming weekend, so that's nice. We have our vacation coming up end of next week, I am sure we will have fun then.
Had a pretty good weekend. The lowest point was Friday afternoon, when W and I went to look at a school for the boys. If we would both live at the house, there would be no question as to which school would be best for them locationwise. With W living 15 min down the road, she has a preference for the school right next to her place, which is 15 min the wrong way for me. We left our discussion at the decision to choose the school that would be best for the boys (educationwise). So we'll see.
Had a pretty good and fun Sat and Sun with the boys. W was busy with her work both days. On Mon, we went to a Renaissance Fair all together and met some friends there. All had great fun! W was very nice and relaxed, we went to see a movie afterwards before going home. When W went home after dropping us off at the house, she came up to hug me and said she had a good time, then we kissed goodbye.
During the drive, she keeps telling me about all of her frustrations with work, other business owners in her town, seems like almost all of the people in the town that she hangs out with regularly have something wrong with them or something to complain about. And she used to say they were all wonderful friends! In general, she seems to be more relaxed around me. Feels much better to me and also to her I think.
Gonna go look at the school in her town this afternoon. I think she's still set on having them go there. She said that in choosing a school for them we also need to think about them being able to play with friends. And the kids that go to the school in her town live all around her. I was thinking yeah, and all the kids that go to the other school live around our house... I just hate that our sitch is now impacting the school we choose for them. Just got really pissed off yesterday night. But I was able to calm myself down by realizing that we're only talking about a 15 min drive. Would I let that upset me? Would I let that affect things in any other circumstance?
Sam: How was the "school shopping"? I can understand the discomfort... if you know she wants them in school by her, it doesn't bring her any closer to home. Hope things are improving, my friend!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I think it is good that she is now sharing her friend's imperfections with you. You don't tell your enemy your weaknesses... You do share them with your friend. It likely represents a shift in how she perceives you.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
The school shopping went ok. The school by her place is a good school and thinking it through, I realized the driving time difference between the two schools is less than 10 min... So it's really just in my head, not an actual problem. It's just that it's right next door to her and out of my way. Also, during the visit, the fact that she introduces me to teachers and other staff as "the twins dad" just really gets my blood boiling! I did really work hard to get over that as quick as possible tho. I try to forget it and then just move on in the convo...
On the vacation: All 4 of us went to Disney for a week. W's sister was there with her daughter and W's brother with wife and daughter. We drove down on Friday and back up last Friday. Trip went great, just behaving like a "normal" family. Went out to eat on the way, talked the entire way, good teamwork handling the kids, etc... I was getting a little prickled when she wanted to stay in a different room, but I decided I was gonna make this the lowest pressure time she had ever had with me before we even left, so I decided to just let it go. Besides, the condo was more than big enough for both of us to have our own rooms.
Throughout the whole week we always got along great and it felt good being together again. No disagreements on where to eat, what to do, not anything really. W's sister is driving the program as usual, but both of us being really laid-back just went along and had good time. At night, W would talk to me about how she gets on her nerves several times a day, and she does get on my nerves too, so we're on the same wavelength all the time. SIL has always been very positive about me to W right from the start of the sitch, pretty much to the point of it being counter-productive, but spending a week together in a relaxed setting did sink in to W I think.
We did take one day to do our own thing with the kids and went to a waterpark. That was the best day as all we had to do is sit on a long chair and watch the kids have fun while we talked. W agreed that that was the most relaxing day of the whole vacation.
During the trip she bought a couple of dresses and some other clothing and I complimented her on those. She does seem to get more self-conscious again. Something that was gone for a while, where she was pretty confident. Now, she will say that something doesn't look good on her when it does, just like the old days. I try to encourage her by picking out clothing for her that I think will look good on her and complimenting her on those. I am trying not to overdo it tho, but I do think she appreciates it.
On the day we left, the boys were constantly saying they didn't want to go home and stay there of course. Then when we all got in the car to drive back, one of them says: "I want mommy to stay with us at our house, all together." Wow! Out of the blue that came out! W just ignored it, but she heard of course. I just ignored it too and told him about what we'll do on our way back home.
When we got to the house, I dropped myself and the boys off and W went in to put them to bed while I unpacked the car. Then I helped her clean out all the trash. Before she left, she came up and hugged me and said that she had had a great time and thanked me for everything.
Boys and I had a busy weekend after that with a picnic at my work and a pool party on Sunday. On Monday, we texted a little bit during the day (she was telling me about a movie she went to see with a friend on Sunday, how I would LOVE it!). Tuesday morning early I had one of those hours where I am awake and can't sleep because I keep talking about our sitch and started getting really negative. Felt better after working out at lunch. Felt good by the time I got home after the boys' swimming lessons. Was just starting dinner when W drove up to pick the boys up. She was very upbeat and talkative and wanted to tell me all about that movie and a bunch of other stuff. She made a music cd for me with new music she had gotten and that I like. Then she asked me what I wanted to do for father's day. My stepson (her son) flies in on Sat and I told her we (I and the boys) could go pick him up since she has the shop open on Sats and she responded that we should just all go and maybe go out to eat on the way back. She stayed for an hour even though she had already eaten and had gotten the boys something too. When she left I got another hug. She was all smiles the whole time, it felt good, different from before the vacation. I did throw out an invitation to go see a movie (a lot of movies are out now that we both want to see and they are about to stop playing) and she was very enthusiastic about that.
I am just gonna keep doing what I am doing and see where this goes....
Hope things are improving, my friend!