Ok, copy that. I'll be strong then, but nice about it, how's that? I won't be a doormat if that's what you mean. I don't think it really matters at this point. She obviously has visions of grandeur and thinks she can lead some steller single life where all is good and she has no responsibility and gets to have sex w/ whoever she wants.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
All you can do is be consistent with your assurances and act in a way that reflects them. What you've been doing all along.
I was starting to suspect that there was more to the story because it really doesn't add up that both you and she feel that you'll be alone forever if she leaves you (as if you have 3 heads or something,) you still want her back after all of she's done and how crazy she's acting, and then the trust issue. I can see that she is afraid that you'll hold it over her head, so that explains the trust issue. Anyway... Moving right along...
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
John you said: "She thinks I didn't/don't love SS and was mean to him, was mean to her and made daughter #1 instead of her. It's a lot of little stuff that was important to her that wasn't important to me that I could have done better and will do better if she gives me the chance."
I can say from experience that this is probably a lot bigger than you realize. Problems like this cut very deep...if there is any way you can slowly start addressing these two problems, you should.
For instance, really REALLY examine your feelings about step-son and figure out if there was some kind of jealousy there for you, and if that is why you didn't love him enough. You will have to be prepared to face all of that past if you get a chance to go forward, and if you could somehow really mend up this particular issue, it will go a long way in helping your relationship with her. You need a lot of self-relfection on this. Step-parents can do so much more damage than they realize, to the step-child and to their spouse.
And on the daugther...same thing, really. You will have to spend a lot of time trying to figure out how and why you put your daugther ahead of your wife in your heart. Lots of women do this (favor their children over their husband) and it usually ends up making lots of problems...so this is a fairly typical problem and would help to explain why she left your D as well as leaving you. She is possibly making a statement to you both: ok fine, neither of you need me anyway, as you have each other. There is ALWAYS a problem in a marriage if a spouse feels they are less-than a child in the other spouses heart, and whether you meant to give her that feeling or not, you did.
I know you want to work on these things and you hope for another chance...but to give your mind a break from what the W is up to minute by minute...instead start going back in your mind and thinkg about your relationships with each child and these two issues. You're going to have a lot of work to do there if you get another chance with her.
Sorry -- Didn't mean to confuse. My post was messy. I was simply starting to suspect there was something you weren't telling us based on all of the different facts. You cleared it up in your last post. That's why I was "moving along." Hope that makes better sense.
DQ's post above is really insightful! Good stuff to think about.
Ok, I hear you guys and I've done the soul searching on all this stuff--I know where I need to focus if the wife was to come home. The problem is she doesn't want to.
Just got a call from her--she complained that D didn't want to talk to her--I told her D doesn't like to talk on the phone and that she talked to me a long time about her day. She asked if I was ok--yes. She asked why it's taking me so long to get past all of this--I said I don't know. She said I really want us to get along and I really want to be able to trust you. I said trust me about what? She said I think you're going to do something vindicitive. I said, ok why do you think that? I said, Have you ever seen me do anything vindictive? She said no. I said ok, then why would you think I would do something then? Obviously, she's done something wrong and she needs to be punished or she wouldn't be acting this way. She said if we are meant to be together then we will be--translation--I'm never coming home! Ok, she rehashed some stuff again--yep, here's my validation AGAIN. Yes, I understand and I can only tell you that I'm committed to us and our marriage if you want to come home and work on it. I cannot change the past but I can make for a better future. SOS, over and over again. She asked what time should she come over Saturday and said I don't think I'll spend the night. Ok, whatever.
I'm tired of posting and don't think I will for a few days. Thanks you guys for your support today and the last few days.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Ok, I lied. This is addictive. I've decided that I will still try to find out OM's name and attempt to contact his wife. She can affect his life on a whole different level than mine. The wife informed me that she bought curtains for her apartment yesterday--ok, translation, she's digging in for a while. She also stated that she would be living there until the lease ran out and/or we pcsed. She said just because we're seperated and/or divorced doesn't mean we'll never get back together. Can't we just be friends for now? (yeah, ok sure, whatever--no)Something else that struck me as funny but not really was a statement she made yesterday of her thinking that I wouldn't be able to take care of her as I don't think I'm good enough to get a decent enough job? Ok, she obviously doesn't respect me at all. That's kind of a blow from the woman I married. I talked w/ MIL last night and told her she may have ended her relationship w/ her D for life by intervening. She said oh well, she's wrong and she knows it but obviously doensn't care. I told her of the new story of there is no OM and she laughed and asked if I believed it. Of course not. So, I think the key is to find out who the OM's wife is and just not worry about the wife for a while. I mean, why should I? You obviously thinks she can do better, so why waste my time at this point?
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
AFWAW...I'm sorry you are hurting so badly. You are also so conflicted. You want her back, but you don't because of how she is treating you, and its unclear if she will ever come back anyway as she is waffling all the time, so what's the point? Its a very sad situation.
I have to say that each time you talk to W and she gives you grief about maybe being "vindictive", I can't quite understand why you are trying to act like you don't know what she means. I mean, if you do end up exposing all of them, then it will have all been just lies from you about "not knowing what she means". And that may have devastating effects on your relationship with her forever. You and she will always have to co-parent so....I can't see the reasoning behind acting like you don't know what she means. You DO know it and you ARE considering exposing...so why not just either tell her you aren't going to discuss it, or tell her the truth? I mean, if you are really going to do it, what harm is there in her knowing about it first? She can't do anything to change it if its going to happen, and you won't be lying at least. Or else, just tell her you refuse to discuss ANY of this anymore at all. Just my thoughts...
I hope you are doing ok, I think we all worry about you.
