confused.....want to do something.....

[pearlharbr]

Ok Orchid, you should know two things about me by now: I am verbose and I'm kind of a hard ass. So keep that in mind. And please feel free to tell me to dial it down.

Re: the money issue...Sounds like you're on the right track if your H uses money to maintain emotional distance. As long as you're able to swing it and not hurting yourself then by all means be completely self sufficient. However, when it comes to the D settlement, do NOT feel guilty for accepting or demanding the best offer. If H is unwilling to work on the M and would rather buy his way out, that is his decision to make. At that point your only responsibility is to yourself. You will not earn any points by accepting less. Remember, you must put yourself first because no one else will. And if he has enough money to support three households then you should not settle for half of what the two of you were living on. You need to see a lawyer to make sure you are getting all that you are entitled to, if not more.

To lose my M without even a trial...without any effort to correct what has gone wrong.....is hard to accept. How am I supposed to move on with my life and potentially another R when I don't know what went wrong with this one.

If you work on yourself you are making an effort to correct what went wrong. You cannot control your H, you can only control yourself. You may never get a definitive answer from him about his reasons for leaving. It sucks. I felt exactly the same way. But life isn't fair and you just do the best with what you have.

I was not successful at having a day without despair. Sigh. I am dissappointed in myself.

Don't be disappointed! You made it through most of the day - that's great! Tomorrow you try again and hopefully make it to 7 pm. You will have bad days when PMA is non-existent. That's ok too. The important thing is to continue to be proactive and just keep trying. It will get easier, I promise.

I talked to friends thinking they would give me some hope, but instead I think most of my friends have started to accept this as a done deal or at best, 90% chance of failure/ 10% recovery.

Friends and family mean well, but they are more concerned with lessening and/or ending your pain. They are trying to get you to move on as soon as possible because they believe that will make you happier. They do not know your R nor are they likely to be supportive of anything that will prolong your suffering. It's up to you - this is your M and you are the one who needs to decide what you want and what you're willing to do to get it. (And btw, I myself gave my R a <5% chance of surviving. You never know.)

H still has not talked to any of his friends or fam and it is worrying me. I really want to call him. Just to touch base at least........ And, I don't know if I will make it thru the next couple of days without some contact with him.

Ah yes, my xBF did not talk to anyone about what was going on (except the OW, of course, because she was the only one who could possibly understand...but I digress). That is his choice. Do not intervene unless you fear he may physically harm himself. I know you care and want to make things easier for him but this will only backfire. It is trying to control his actions/feelings. Not good.

Listen to this very carefully: do NOT call him, do NOT email him, do NOT text him, do NOT initiate contact unless it is an emergency. You need to quit cold turkey. The first few days/weeks are terrible but it is much worse to have to start over every time you do initiate contact.

I recommend setting a goal of three more days of no contact. Just make it through the weekend. Then if you still feel an overwhelming need to make contact you can send a brief email on Monday. You can do it. Make a lot of plans to keep yourself busy. Pick something else to do when the urge strikes. Leave the house without your cell phone. Or call a friend (that's what I did a lot). Work on a puzzle or a project that takes a lot of concentration and focus. Rent a bunch of movies and have a marathon.

And if H does happen to call, do NOT answer the phone. Do NOT respond immediately. I had a two hour minimum wait time for any response and usually a day on emails unless it was a time sensitive matter.

Let's review why this is important. Your H feels that he cannot be happy with you. In his mind, consiously or subconsciously, you are responsible for some or all of his unhappiness. You are giving him space to discover that just because you are not there he is not magically all better. Also, he can't miss you if you're still around.

You CAN do this! I know you can.