Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing 3

[Thinker]

I'm on a downward roller coaster now and have gotten angry - angry at my W, angry at 1000 little paper cuts over many years, angry at the sitch, and just plain angry.

I lost my PMA and my as-if and let it come out. I was primed and ready and my W triggered it by announcing suddenly that she was going out and then being intentionally non-communicative about it.

W: I'm going out tonight
Me: Oh, OK.
--long silent pause...she normally tells me where and with whom and expects me to do the same - almost interrogates me if I don't
Me: Do I have to ask with whom?
W: No
--another long pause
Me: Who?
W: Friends. Girls!
Me: Which friends?
W: A whole bunch. I don't want to talk about it!
-- W leaves room

If I had been in full PMA mode I would have just left it at the "Oh, OK" and never said anything else, but as I said, I was primed - the tinder was dry. I really don't care if she goes out. We each go out all the time. I also don't really care with whom she goes out. It's the secrecy that angers me. With our history, it immediately makes me think "Why is she hiding it?", and right now I am not the mood to just ignore that.

I had to leave the house for a minute.

Afterwards, I told her simply that I was angry. Angry not at her going out or at the discussion, but at a lot of built up pain over a long time.

This triggered a couple of WAW - style comments.

- If you are so angry, then why are you always acting so happy and confident?
- if that is so, why were you just "Mr. Cool and together" at our MC sessions?
- Why are we taking the easy way out and trying to stay together and pretend everything can work out? (WTF???)

She then pulled her usual fight tactic which is to throw in a few attacks like these, then turn and leave and refuse to talk any more. I should have let it go, but didn't and yelled a bit about how her desire for me to always be there for her and support her in everything she wanted to do, while making no attempt to make the marriage work was unfair and showed a blatent disregard for me...bla! bla! bla!

She left. I stewed for a while, then put the kids in bed, then came here to post.

She called a short while after she left "to check to see if the kids were OK" (in a tone that insinuated that I might be neglecting them because I was angry...). I replied "The kids are OK. They're all doing fine. Good bye." and hung up.

I really should not have let it get to me like it did, but:
- I am afraid that she is pulling away again, possibly headed back toward OM.
- I am angry that she stopped the MC sessions. They were painful for her, but I thought we were making progress.
- After spending a long time in my sitch feeling afraid, guilty, sorrowful, etc, I am now angry. I've been opening up and my feelings about every hurt I've received in our history are coming out.