confused.....want to do something.....

[Kenn]

ditto to what Pearl said. and just keep gettin stronger. Look great and be confident when you see him next. there are a lot of people here that support the "no contact and look like you are moving on" and quite honestly in my observations of friends I would have to agree with them.

Oh.. and you said something about finances... This is not all your fault. It is usually the person being left that gets it first and starts to look inside and see's there weakness BUT your husband wasn't forced to make the decisions he has made.

Don't cut the finances and give up property because you feel guilty....please!!!!

2 to make a marriage, 2 to make it work, 2 to buy all the stuff and shold be split between 2

[pearlharbr]

And ditto to all Kenn said!

I'm glad you've done some soul searching and that introspection is invaluable. But Kenn is so right and I apologize if this didn't come across clearly in my previous post: this is NOT all your fault. It's important to recognize your part so you can work on it. However, no one is perfect. You certainly did not singlehandedly bring the R to this point. You did not walk out without communicating pain or trying. That's on your H.

If you feel financial dependence was an issue and you want to address it, good for you for standing on your own. But don't put yourself in a bad situation just because you don't want to take anything from him. You are still married. You aren't working yet. That arrangement was made by both of you and you shouldn't feel guilty about it, especially since you do have a job lined up that will be starting soon. Heck, I haven't worked in two years, am completely financially dependent on xBF, and not for any good reason like going back to school. That is a big issue for us and one I need to address better than I have been. But we have continued the same financial arrangement as before because that's the reality of the current situation and he understands that.

Do not think that just because there's no contact that means there's no hope. After I kicked him out of the house I had no personal contact with xBF for a month, only email exchanges about financial matters. Then he started wanting to come over to see the cats. Then he wanted to see me. Then he wanted another chance for us. During that time I kept communication to email and the occasional text. So all that is to say that you cannot know what is going through your H's mind during this time and it's not necessarily bad to have no contact. Personally I think it's good to have that separation so H can realize that you are not the cause of all his problems.

One day at a time is the way to go. No dwelling today. Tomorrow do something fun. It's ok to smile. You might not want to or think you can, but try it! And seriously, rent the movie "Yes Man" even if you're not a Jim Carrey fan. It's a great story about how PMA and GAL activities can turn your life around. And you'll laugh.

[orchid01]

Well Kenn, I think the "worst" that I keep worrying about is that I have failed at a marriage without even trying to work it out. That is exactly what I did not want when I decided to marry. I think R can fail. That is a reality and I know it....but, I thought that if you kept it a priority and worked to make it better.......it would.

To lose my M without even a trial...without any effort to correct what has gone wrong.....is hard to accept. How am I supposed to move on with my life and potentially another R when I don't know what went wrong with this one. OK, so I need to be more pro-active.......but, I don't even get a chance to work on that? It seems very pre-mature.

But you are right, I will be in a good place at the end of it.....if I work on myself and just keep improving who I am. The worst thing is that I am divorced and not with my H. Its big, but my life is made up of way more than this M.

I had an ok day until about 6pm.......I spoke to a couple of friends and more or less, I don't know why, but it totally put me in a negative state of mind.

H still has not talked to any of his friends or fam and it is worrying me. I really want to call him. Just to touch base at least........ And, I don't know if I will make it thru the next couple of days without some contact with him.

I cannot call him right? Can I at least just email him to let him know when I am moving? I know I am grasping at straws.....but.......sigh....really, I have to just wait until he decides to call?

I was doing ok this morning....I did not make it thru the day with a PMA.....sigh.

Thank you Kenn and pearlharbr for your post, it has believe it or not given me some hope and strength to just keep moving on. It is not what I want to do right now...but, it is what I will do.

[orchid01]

Thank you PearlHarbr, I have been waiting for a time to financially independent for a long time. I am 35 and finally have that opportunity. In the divorce papers he has given me 95% or our belongings and wants to give me money, etc, etc...

I think he is using $ and "supporting" me as a means to ease his conscience about what he is doing. It is something he does for his family. He supports 3 households, including us.

I want emotional intimacy........and I think he uses money as a way of maintaining an emotional distance. He feels ok to walk away emotionally as long as he is financially stepping up and providing. Its how he deals. I could be wrong.....but, I feel enough of an instict about it to not take anything from him right now.

This way he can't say "he is working hard to support me and doesn't have time to think about anything bc he is working and trying to support us".

Well, nothing to say for today. I was not successful at having a day without despair. Sigh. I am dissappointed in myself. I talked to friends thinking they would give me some hope, but instead I think most of my friends have started to accept this as a done deal or at best, 90% chance of failure/ 10% recovery. So, that is that. sigh.

[orchid01]

I am going to rent that movie "Yes Man" tomorrow.

[judyc]

Hey orchid1,

I have read your posts, I am so sorry. I have been separated for almost three weeks. The pain is killing me. Some days I feel positive, others I feel more down than ever. Today I am feeling down. On my positive days, I am out doing things for myself. Mornings are hard, I still wake up thinking this has all been a bad dream. One thing that helps me somewhat, is to keep repeating to myself "I like myself, I like myself" (not out loud of course!). I read that several years ago in one of my personal achievement books. It does work. Say it often.

[aliveandkicking]

Somehow, the pain I experience now is NOTHING compared to what I experienced in those first few weeks. Please hang in there. I am not religious but you've got to have faith that it will get better.

I'm having a rough day but it is sooooooo much better. This site helps and you're lucky you've found it early on.

[pearlharbr]

Ok Orchid, you should know two things about me by now: I am verbose and I'm kind of a hard ass. So keep that in mind. And please feel free to tell me to dial it down.

Re: the money issue...Sounds like you're on the right track if your H uses money to maintain emotional distance. As long as you're able to swing it and not hurting yourself then by all means be completely self sufficient. However, when it comes to the D settlement, do NOT feel guilty for accepting or demanding the best offer. If H is unwilling to work on the M and would rather buy his way out, that is his decision to make. At that point your only responsibility is to yourself. You will not earn any points by accepting less. Remember, you must put yourself first because no one else will. And if he has enough money to support three households then you should not settle for half of what the two of you were living on. You need to see a lawyer to make sure you are getting all that you are entitled to, if not more.

To lose my M without even a trial...without any effort to correct what has gone wrong.....is hard to accept. How am I supposed to move on with my life and potentially another R when I don't know what went wrong with this one.

If you work on yourself you are making an effort to correct what went wrong. You cannot control your H, you can only control yourself. You may never get a definitive answer from him about his reasons for leaving. It sucks. I felt exactly the same way. But life isn't fair and you just do the best with what you have.

I was not successful at having a day without despair. Sigh. I am dissappointed in myself.

Don't be disappointed! You made it through most of the day - that's great! Tomorrow you try again and hopefully make it to 7 pm. You will have bad days when PMA is non-existent. That's ok too. The important thing is to continue to be proactive and just keep trying. It will get easier, I promise.

I talked to friends thinking they would give me some hope, but instead I think most of my friends have started to accept this as a done deal or at best, 90% chance of failure/ 10% recovery.

Friends and family mean well, but they are more concerned with lessening and/or ending your pain. They are trying to get you to move on as soon as possible because they believe that will make you happier. They do not know your R nor are they likely to be supportive of anything that will prolong your suffering. It's up to you - this is your M and you are the one who needs to decide what you want and what you're willing to do to get it. (And btw, I myself gave my R a <5% chance of surviving. You never know.)

H still has not talked to any of his friends or fam and it is worrying me. I really want to call him. Just to touch base at least........ And, I don't know if I will make it thru the next couple of days without some contact with him.

Ah yes, my xBF did not talk to anyone about what was going on (except the OW, of course, because she was the only one who could possibly understand...but I digress). That is his choice. Do not intervene unless you fear he may physically harm himself. I know you care and want to make things easier for him but this will only backfire. It is trying to control his actions/feelings. Not good.

Listen to this very carefully: do NOT call him, do NOT email him, do NOT text him, do NOT initiate contact unless it is an emergency. You need to quit cold turkey. The first few days/weeks are terrible but it is much worse to have to start over every time you do initiate contact.

I recommend setting a goal of three more days of no contact. Just make it through the weekend. Then if you still feel an overwhelming need to make contact you can send a brief email on Monday. You can do it. Make a lot of plans to keep yourself busy. Pick something else to do when the urge strikes. Leave the house without your cell phone. Or call a friend (that's what I did a lot). Work on a puzzle or a project that takes a lot of concentration and focus. Rent a bunch of movies and have a marathon.

And if H does happen to call, do NOT answer the phone. Do NOT respond immediately. I had a two hour minimum wait time for any response and usually a day on emails unless it was a time sensitive matter.

Let's review why this is important. Your H feels that he cannot be happy with you. In his mind, consiously or subconsciously, you are responsible for some or all of his unhappiness. You are giving him space to discover that just because you are not there he is not magically all better. Also, he can't miss you if you're still around.

You CAN do this! I know you can.

[pearlharbr]

Things for Orchid to do in the next three days:

* Set goals. Remember to keep them small and achievable. Pick things that you can do on your own, nothing that involves H's actions or reactions.

* GAL activities. You never shared your list, did you make one? Book club is a good idea. You're having trouble focusing on your current novel. Try reading a completely different genre. I get caught up in mysteries and action thrillers. No romance novels. Have you found a book club? Check at the library and the local book stores. That gives you a book, a deadline, the opportunity to meet new people and a future activity to put on the calendar.

What else? Are you doing any type of physical activity? I hate it when people use working out as a GAL activity since most people here have significant weight loss and I think it's something you should be doing anyway for your own health. But if you're not doing anything active (I wasn't before the bomb) start doing it. I walk an hour a day. It gave me time to work off my anger/sadness/anxiety. Now it's part of my daily routine and I only miss it when absolutely necessary. I also started taking dance classes. It's something I've always wanted to do and completely different from my usual sedentary activities. I also tried yoga and teaching myself to play the piano. I have been bad about both lately but will make more of an effort to put them back in my schedule.

What is something that is totally outside your comfort zone? Singing karaoke? Learning a new language? Playing tennis? Making pizza? You don't have to love everything, just try it. It will expand your horizons and build your self confidence.

* Self-help books. Did you pick any up at B&N today? Get one and start reading. Knowledge is power.

* Spend time with friends/family. If you need to talk about your sitch, go for it. But if it's getting you down then just get together for fun things. I made a personal policy to accept every invitation, no matter what it was. I've spent time shopping, watching movies, going out to eat, to a theme costume party, to comedy clubs...you get the idea.

[aliveandkicking]

I'm taking notes over here...

PH- Best recommendations for books?

Thanks!