"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
I didn't call wife all day and we had not made definite arrangements for me getting D3 after I got off work. I emailed her ... figuring that would limit the contact.. and she didn't get the email prior to her calling me about an hour before I left work. We set everything up and that was that.
When we met she was late. And she looked good. I was pretty sure that she was going to meet OM as soon as she got back into town. I asked where D3s blanket was and she was like... I forgot it. This isn't the first time that she has forgotten something.. more like the 3rd time in 4 weeks. Normally I would shrug it off but it just shows me that her mind is not on the kids and her mind is not on her pending divorce; that it's on him and her.
Tonight I let the kids answer the phone to talk to her before bed and I wasn't planning on talking with her at all. I made the decision to talk with her and it went so so.
As I said in my first post that on April 13th she said... delete her myspace account and I did. Well on Friday May1st she created a new one.. and what did it say... IN A RELATIONSHIP and who was the first friend she added... you got it... OM. Since then she was changed her status and mood 5 times ... the first 2 were about how happy she was.. etc... blah blah.. the last ones.. were obvious jabs at me. I talked with her last Saturday night about it only because she had been saying that she didn't wanna hurt me etc... I said that it can't more blatant than that. I asked her to delete it ... what more does she need? She is physically free of our marriage and can call or see him without fear of me catching her... why must she post PUBLIC information too? I know.. to hurt me...
Anyway... I got back on it with her tonight.. but with a new approach.. I told her.. keep the page up if you really wanna. I won't be a part of your games any longer. I won't read it again so say what you want to say and do what you want to do. But do it for you because from this point forward... your posts that you intend for me to see will be like a tree falling in a forest with no one to hear... and NO it won't make a sound.
After a few jabs back and forth by us both... I settled things down and really got into her head. Long story short I heard her typing.. and I was like OMG... she is on Myspace while we are talking.. that HO.... I said... what are you doing while we are talking. She said.. deleting my Myspace page. I said... what? She repeated what she said. I quietly pulled up her page and within a few minutes it was deleted. I said ok... but no point in that if you are only going to create one that you think I or no one else will find. She said.. No... I am not going too.. You have said some pretty powerful things tonight and I hear you.
One of the things I told her was that my father was TORN up about all of this. I asked her if she noticed that my father sat behind my mother and I last night and she acknowledged that she saw that. Well... I told her that he watched the whole program for D9 in tears... almost sobbing like a baby. And he did... no bs to that. I said.... your actions are DESTROYING the people that have loved you for the last 10 years... I let that sink in for a moment and then dropped the last bomb on her... I said "name one thing ... just one thing that my father has ever done to hurt you?".... she sat in silence and then quietly said. He has done nothing. I said... I have given my father plenty of reasons in 33 years of my life to have a heart attack... but if he has one during this sep/div... I would never forgive her.
End result... I got through to her. Not sure on what level but I did. You know.. what an UP and down journey this is going to be. Something hit me tonight. I have been almost begging and pleading people around WAW to ... talk some sense into her. If not for our marriage then for the fact that she is having an affair. What hit me tonight is that... I am the only person that can get through to her. Now some of you may not agree and think... back off completely. What I know is that ... deep down she is still there... I have to pick and choose my moments carefully... but I can still reach her.
What I must do is improve myself for myself... improve myself for my children.. and if the lord willing improve myself for my wife. There is NO way that we have any hope unless in the end we BOTH have true change but I will not give up.
This morning I tool my wedding ring off for the first time. Tonight I put it on again and won't take it off unless the divorce goes through a year from now.
Just skimmed your sitch. Sorry you have to go through this. Glad you found this web site. It is a great place for support. Journal and vent here in this thread.
Have you read "Divorce Remedy" yet? If not, I recommend reading it ASAP. The consensus here is NOT to let spouse see/read it. It is your tool to get your relationship back on track.
Here is one thing that worked great for me and others:
Lovingly detach. Love = Patience & Kindness Detach = Project that you enjoy being with spouse BUT don't NEED to be with spouse. FINE LINE HERE. "I am going to do XYZ, if you would like to join me that would be great, but I understand if you don't."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
WAW came by my office today to drop off D3's blanket. We ended up talking for about an hour and tlaking calmly. We talked none about our R.. only about kids.. and what we think is best for them. We had to agree to disagree a few times; but no argueing occurred.
On Love = patience and kindness... how do you show patience and kindness to your wife that is sleeping with another man?? I am not wanting problems with her... but I kinda think I need to wait at least until we get into marriage counseling for a while before I start showing her all of that? I mean can I give to much love and patience... etc now and she thinks I am a chump considering that she is getting her groove on with another man?
My thing is that she knows I don't want to loose the marriage but I don't want her to think that she is in the right by being with OM.
Any suggestions on what to do or not do.. and how to act?
Tonight is tough... WAW is at Nursing Pinning Ceremony tonight... she is a JR. Marshal for the 2010 graduating class. Top 8 of the 2010 class. I have helped her out alot in the last 18 months from studying with her. To helping out with the kids and house so that she would be free to study ... alone or with a study group.
I really had hoped to go with her tonight... even if she didn't want me to as her husband, I wanted her to want me to go as her friend. She said it's not that she didn't want to have me there... she said it's just too soon.
Anyway... kinda sucks.. I should be there with her.
Love is patient. And kind. You can be loving and patient to yourself and your spouse at the same time. Detaching and GALing help you do this. By focusing on yourself and your interests/hobbies , you are loving yourself by getting "me" time and not obsessing about M. At the same time you are being patient because time is passing while you are detaching and GALing. Trust me, it passes a lot faster if you are involved in activities than when you are sitting around thinking about M all the time.
Being loving and patient is a gift to yourself. It is not a statement that you are validating your W's behaviour. The alternative is to be constantly bitter and angry. Don't give her that power.Reaching this point is a process though, and you only get there when you get there. I still have moments where I am as mad as all get out.
My policy is that if your H/W wants freedom, let them go. At the very core of it if you say you love someone and they say they are not happy with you why ask them to stay and be unhappy? Is it selfish to want someone you love to stay with you when they don't want to? I think you have to give them time and space to really search their heart without pressure being applied. After they come back you have the big discussion and lay down the ground rules for going forward.
Lovingly distance - I love this concept! This is what I am doing. In a sense I am in the background, standing apart from H and his current life while working on me. I no longer try to influence his choices because I now know I cannot control him.
I wanted to add that being kind and patient and loving from a distance does not mean that you are giving up or not working on your M. You are working on changing the M by changing you for starters.
Wife and I aren't really getting into relationship talks but; even when we talk about kids we are having problems talking. Wife acknowledges the root of our problems right now in talking and getting along is her OM. She has said that she ONLY thinks he is a problem for me. Evidently not for her and not for our ending marriage and not for our hurting children.
She said .. at the end of the last large arguement that she wanted us to be peaceful and she wanted this to all go well. I believe her based on her expressions and body language and tone at that time. What I told her was that with her still seeing OM that I could not see how this could go peaceful etc... I mean when you bring a 3rd person into a 2 person marriage or for that matter a 2 person sep/div ... how can there not be conflict??
Today... after a small arguement .. she layed her head on her steering wheel and after a few moments I asked her what was wrong... her reply was... I just don't understand how we can't do this... meaning be peaceful... and work on the things at hand. My reply .. as we looked dead at each other was... WE... and I pointed to her and myself... CAN DO THIS... but WE... again pointing... CANT DO THIS with everything that is currently involved... meaning her OM. She said... I know. However.. she won't end it with him... despite the fact that she has said she loves him.. I think she won't end it.. even though she knows it's the only way for us to sort all of this mess out ( I don't mean reconciling)... I think she won't end with OM unless she makes that decision and doesn't feel that she has to do it for us to be able to sep/div in an amiciable way...
I don't know what to do .. and I can't promise that I would follow the advice. I feel very strongly that... at the very least we should both do whatever we have to do to end the marriage.. if that's what will happen with some dignity.. and there is NO dignity in her actions now.
I need some advice... I understand that DBing principles.. say that let her do what she is gonna do and work on yourself. I am working on myself but am I the only one in here that thinks that it's IMPOSSIBLE to not have problems with her while she is F****** another man???
