Sorry, just chiming in... It is what you both do in the cycle that you are currently in – you're breaking that now. So no assuming and drawing conclusions – if you are positive it will show through
You really need to slow down and listen to what she says vs what she needs.
This isn't about being 'vulnerable', it's about being a leader, pushing her attraction buttons, making her anticipate intimacy.
Being a man. I have found two things that helped me understand that what we think women want is not what they really want.
What kind of OM did she have? Was he exciting? Unpredictable? Did he NEED her?
Even when we DB, it's when we detach and no longer need them, or might not even want them, that we become attractive again. We're not a woose any more.
Counseling is great, communication is great. Some vulnerability is great. But it's the strong decision making leader, the alpha male, that pushes a womens attraction buttons. It's a biological fact.
two things I have learned much from was "The way of the superior man" book, and writings of David Cunningham. google "david cunningham marriage"
You're on the right track. Just need one more component. Your manhood as it relates to your W.
ummmm, speaking as a woman...NOT every woman NEEDS an "alpha male." Many of us would prefer a cooperative partnership. And NOT to be told what we need.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
It is not weak to express fears, it is not weak to be vulnerable. What is needed is not a man who lacks emotions, but a man who does not expect someone else to manage his emotions.
It is a LOT easier ostrich up and say "hush up, everything will be fine, nothing to be afraid of, blah blah blah..." than to be honest with yourself and your partner and to man up and own the fear. Courage and bravery both have to do with strength in spite of fear. If there is no emotional risk in attempting this reconciliation, it is hard to see why it would be worth the bother. No need to deny the fear, take away its teeth by acknowledging and do what you want to do in spite of it.
Puppy - my take on it is this, in the most gentle but blunt way I can think of to say it: She really does NOT want to be divorced from you and she loves you...but she fears that she will not get a good sex life ever in her life if she stays with you.
Now, she obviously doesn't realize that she is half (or more) of the problem with the sex life...she hasn't done enough introspection to really understand that. She is blinded by the very typical but false presumption many women have that her man should "just know" what she needs to be turned on, and if he doesn't give it to her, then he's not the right man for her. This is sad and not true at all, but many many women think this way subconsciously. Many women like your wife do not take the time to disect what attraction is truly all about. She just knows that you and she do not have it going on good, and she blames you for it.
So anyway...my point to you is, I think this is truly what she is afraid of. A dissapointing sex life for the rest of her life. She desperately wants to experience passion and good sex and fun and adventure...she fears that she will not be able to have that with you.
That's why I invited you back over to SSM....to begin discussing how you can get her to see her half of the problem, while at the same time, garnering your own skills so you can start showing her signs that she *just might* get that excitement and passion she is seeking with *you*. You gotta figure out how to change your signals to her....
I realize every man says this, but the quality of our sex, when we do have it, is very good for both of us. I don't think she has any complaints there. And the QUANTITY, well, that's her issue, not mine. I mean it's obviously OURS, but unless you mean "I don't think Puppy will ever pursue me to the extent that I want and need to be pursued, because I know a lotta guys would just give up, but that's who I am and I can't help it," well then yeah, you might be right. But she DOESN'T dislike the sex that we do have.
Oh, and I DO absolutely think she feels like "I will never be able to make him happy, sexually." She's told me that many times. So I think I make her feel like a failure, and -- ironically -- she makes ME feel like a failure.
Well then...its not about the quality of sex...but about something else she isn't getting from you....ie: watching The Cougar. She wants to *feel* a certain way about herself, via her interpretation of how her man feels about her...and somehow she is not getting that from you.
I'm still saying its her issue, not yours...but she is unfortunately projecting it upon you.
And for whatever its worth...I'm sure the quality of sex is good, but its something deeper yet intimately related to sex that she is missing, and blaming it on you. She has the typical female misperception that since she feels something lacking with you, that its your fault and you should *just know* what she needs. So its the sex...but not really....
Yes, its the "it" that is the problem, and she fears it will be there forever and ever...because she isn't used to the idea that it might possibly be her issues that are causing it.
So please try to hear what I said, but think of it in different terms...its not about the quality of sex. It rarely is about that. Its about the quality of the passion and the connection, and her feeling desired and pursued. She won't be able to live without those things, but you shut down and stop pursuing her when she stops giving you sex. The "it". I do understand. I'm hoping to create a small space in your head for yet another possible angle to look at it with.
Which is precisely why an IC for her is Priority #1. She agreed.
I'm open to keeping an open mind, and learning new skills and ways of looking at things. I'm NOT open to things that violate my own integrity, like sitting there and watching the vapid vanity of "The Cougar." Sorry. But I DO have no doubt she'd like that.
NO NO NO....not meaning for you to watch that stupid show WITH her...but instead....trying to get into her head and understand *what she needs* and what she is trying to figure out about herself by watching that stuff. I know that on the surface, it looks like a woman watching that show is doing so because she wants to catch a young man like the woman on the show. It is actually much deeper than that and very likely that she does NOT actually *want* that, regardless of appearances.
What she wants is something she feels she isn't getting *from you*, whether its in her head or for real. I'm guessing there is some of both.
