John, Can you, if you don't mind, please explain what she feels you have done in the past that prevents her from commiting to the marriage?
Do not for one second think that the "sign" comment from her has one speck of truth...think about this. She is thinking the "sign" was a message for her not to return to her daughter? And you...regardless of what she tells you she has moments that she misses you and will wonder forever if she has made the biggest mistake of her life.
Was she married before? I ask because of the SS? What is he doing? What happened to that marriage? I ask to see if this is a pattern for her...
"Blue to Green" that is funny...also another indicator that she is not thinking properly...and not handling her stress
Do not let this change a thing in your plan. Can you improve? Absolutely, we all can...are you as bad as she is saying. No, many people compare real life to tv...life is hard.
Stick to your plan, tell her that is all you can do, you love her and your daughter, and want to play with your grandkids with her...do not go wussy right now. If you compromise on this you will never be able to have mutual respect in this relationship. And you will lose your own self respect...
Again, do not beleive anything she told you at lunch...the same old same old stuff...nothing has changed...she is just trying to cover her self. Her parents may have worried her and her mother is correct...she left a 13 yr old girl for OM.
I think this is a great time to tell her that she has made the worst decision in her life, good luck with everything, I would bet money that she would be banging on your door within an hour, I do not know if I would want someone this crazy around though, you know what I mean?
Can you, if you don't mind, please explain what she feels you have done in the past that prevents her from commiting to the marriage?
Apparently, it's a lot of little stuff that has built up in her mind. Thoughtless things I've done and said over the years that she's unable to forget and move on. I like order in my house and when things are not in order I ask the question, who did this, let's fix it. I bought a jet ski years ago and enjoyed riding it--she didn't like the fact that I was taking away from family time--she didn't want to ride it and felt like she was taking care of too much stuff around the house. I've made insensitive comments to her before--they weren't made on purpose, they were however mistakes that I wish I could take back but I can't. I've asked for forgiveness and she can't or won't forgive me still even though some of this stuff happened years ago. All this stuff that I deemed meaningless to her before was not and it has built up into the woman who is my wife today.
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She is thinking the "sign" was a message for her not to return to her daughter?
Yeah, I know, she even said that she doesn't have the patience to deal w/ my daughter at this point.
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And you...regardless of what she tells you she has moments that she misses you and will wonder forever if she has made the biggest mistake of her life.
Maybe, but it's not enough to make her want to come back home or stop trashing me in her mind and to her face.
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Was she married before? I ask because of the SS? What is he doing? What happened to that marriage? I ask to see if this is a pattern for her...
She was. SS is working at a pizza place for now and says he is going into the AF. Ex was abusive and hit her and they divorced--legit in my mind.
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Blue to Green" that is funny...also another indicator that she is not thinking properly...and not handling her stress
She wants to be a warrant officer--says it will be more money for retirement. I don't think she knows what she's getting into and she'll be 40 this year and has NEVER deployed. This will obviously take her away from us forever if she goes this route.
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The best revenge is living life well...do it
I know, I just need to get past this--I wish I could go back into time and make this woman believe that I really, really do love her.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
"Ex was abusive and hit her and they divorced--legit in my mind."
Unfortunately, that says a lot. Sometimes people that have been abused are NOT capable of FORGIVING and LETTING THINGS GO. She has to DEAL with this through counseling or it will just build. Has she been treated for that. Once victimized it is really hard to have sympathy for other people.
This could explain a lot of her behavior of not letting the past stay in the past. I dealt with a lot of the same issues w my ex.
You can't control this, as much as you want to. You just can't. Her cheating and abandoning you and your daughter the way she did says NOTHING about you. That's all her.
Your part (some of it)... If you said insensitive things in the past, those will never leave her memory. If you were emotionally and physically unavailable, she had plenty of space for someone else to fill. If you were trying to control her and your daughter in any way... yuck. If you were too harsh or punitive with them, it may have helped her see you as a villain so that she could run around.
It sounds like you are owning up to your past mistakes and that you are committed to working on these things moving forward. You've said all the right things, you've been unwavering with your stance.
Why doesn't she trust you? That is something you might think about right now. Have you gone back on your word in the past? Have you promised and promised and promised but haven't been able to keep whatever that promise was?
I hate that freaking ball. I really wish I could smash it down her throat at this point. How does this woman have the ability to make me feel so low?
She had to have had an affair. She told me, her parents, and our daughter that she had OM. Why exactly would she lie about that now? I know, because she doesn't want to get into trouble. Man, this is a big fat mess!
No, really, no control issues--more passive aggresive--if I didn't like something or didn't get my ways at times I would sulk or not say anything--I guess this is a type of control issue. For the most part, she controlled everything though--finances, where we lived, kids, vacations, etc.
I know I can't control her. If I could she'd be here already.
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If you were trying to control her and your daughter in any way... yuck.
Maybe sometimes, but I'd say I was just too focused on one thing at a time. For instance when I'm going to school I don't pay attention to anything else at all--I have problems multi-tasking.
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It sounds like you are owning up to your past mistakes and that you are committed to working on these things moving forward. You've said all the right things, you've been unwavering with your stance.
I am, I'm trying to mature-I think that was part of my problem, I wasn't very mature in the past and allowed that to cloud my judgement. I am committed to making this work, she is not at this point--in her mind it's too late. She doesn't respect me--she keeps saying she used to worship the ground I walked on and now, nothing. Ouch, that hurts.
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Why doesn't she trust you? That is something you might think about right now. Have you gone back on your word in the past? Have you promised and promised and promised but haven't been able to keep whatever that promise was?
I've gone over this one in my mind and I think she was saying that because she thinks I would hold this stuff over her head if she were to come back. But yet, she holds stuff over my head from when we were first married--fair, huh? I see my main problems as being immature in my approach to getting my own way, not paying attention to my wife and not providing her the affection she needed. I want to do these things for her so badly right now but I fear it is too late.
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There is more to this story, isn't there?
Not sure what you mean--there's always little details. I think I've covered most though. She thinks I didn't/don't love SS and was mean to him, was mean to her and made daughter #1 instead of her. It's a lot of little stuff that was important to her that wasn't important to me that I could have done better and will do better if she gives me the chance. So, I know what to do, I just need the opportunity. She has asked to spend the day Sat and the night to see how things go. I've been aloof, nice, unavailable, all the things that I could be and it all ends up w/ me feeling like crap--all of it. So, I'm just going to be nice from now on--at least I'll know I'm taking the high road. If she doesn't respect me--so be it. If she doesn't think I can take care of her--so be it, she'll never know--"fake" OM apparently has a lot of money--whatever, he's married and his wife makes more than him.
So how do I make her believe that I can and would do better if she came home?
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
