Sounds like standard Nice Guy stuff. Perhaps you've been trained to be a pleaser, which has forced you to sometimes be covert about getting what you want. If this might be true... It isn't good, but it's not your fault and you can/should work on fixing it.
Have you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover? Go to nomoremrniceguy.com to read more!
I have identified the "snake" now I have to kill it.
Using my Samuel L jackson voice, "I'm tired of all these M@3&*!+F^%$(*)@ snakes on this M@3&*!+F^%$(*)@ brain."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Sounds like standard Nice Guy stuff. Perhaps you've been trained to be a pleaser, which has forced you to sometimes be covert about getting what you want. If this might be true... It isn't good, but it's not your fault and you can/should work on fixing it.
Have you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover? Go to nomoremrniceguy.com to read more!
Lucky
I've read it. It applies. It even makes sense. As I talked about earlier in my threads I spent the early years of my life without a father (killed in Vietnam) and with a (naturally) despondent and unavailable widowed mother.
As I said, I know what it is and I know where it came from. I've even improved quite a bit.
...but really changing it is hard!
My main struggle now is converting my theoretical understanding of the problem into concrete tactical actions.
So far my GAL steps have really helped my self confidence, etc. and some of them have even helped with this issue indirectly, but now I want to attack it head on.
Last edited by Thinker; 05/14/0907:35 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I'm on a downward roller coaster now and have gotten angry - angry at my W, angry at 1000 little paper cuts over many years, angry at the sitch, and just plain angry.
I lost my PMA and my as-if and let it come out. I was primed and ready and my W triggered it by announcing suddenly that she was going out and then being intentionally non-communicative about it.
W: I'm going out tonight Me: Oh, OK. --long silent pause...she normally tells me where and with whom and expects me to do the same - almost interrogates me if I don't Me: Do I have to ask with whom? W: No --another long pause Me: Who? W: Friends. Girls! Me: Which friends? W: A whole bunch. I don't want to talk about it! -- W leaves room
If I had been in full PMA mode I would have just left it at the "Oh, OK" and never said anything else, but as I said, I was primed - the tinder was dry. I really don't care if she goes out. We each go out all the time. I also don't really care with whom she goes out. It's the secrecy that angers me. With our history, it immediately makes me think "Why is she hiding it?", and right now I am not the mood to just ignore that.
I had to leave the house for a minute.
Afterwards, I told her simply that I was angry. Angry not at her going out or at the discussion, but at a lot of built up pain over a long time.
This triggered a couple of WAW - style comments.
- If you are so angry, then why are you always acting so happy and confident? - if that is so, why were you just "Mr. Cool and together" at our MC sessions? - Why are we taking the easy way out and trying to stay together and pretend everything can work out? (WTF???)
She then pulled her usual fight tactic which is to throw in a few attacks like these, then turn and leave and refuse to talk any more. I should have let it go, but didn't and yelled a bit about how her desire for me to always be there for her and support her in everything she wanted to do, while making no attempt to make the marriage work was unfair and showed a blatent disregard for me...bla! bla! bla!
She left. I stewed for a while, then put the kids in bed, then came here to post.
She called a short while after she left "to check to see if the kids were OK" (in a tone that insinuated that I might be neglecting them because I was angry...). I replied "The kids are OK. They're all doing fine. Good bye." and hung up.
I really should not have let it get to me like it did, but: - I am afraid that she is pulling away again, possibly headed back toward OM. - I am angry that she stopped the MC sessions. They were painful for her, but I thought we were making progress. - After spending a long time in my sitch feeling afraid, guilty, sorrowful, etc, I am now angry. I've been opening up and my feelings about every hurt I've received in our history are coming out.
Last edited by Thinker; 05/15/0901:35 AM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Gotta say, I really notice things happening in waves here. I follow probably 20 or so peoples sitches, and there will be a week when things seem to be improving for many of us all at the same time. Then there's a week (like this one) where a lot of us seem to be crashing and burning (yep, unfortunately me also).
I wonder if this is Post-Mother's-Day WAW guilt lash out syndrome? Although, I know of quite a few women here dealing with the same down week, although that could be Post-Mother's-Day WAH guilt lash out syndrome
I wonder if this is Post-Mother's-Day WAW guilt lash out syndrome? Although, I know of quite a few women here dealing with the same down week, although that could be Post-Mother's-Day WAH guilt lash out syndrome
Oh ya...and I've got double with the Pre-anniversary guilt lash out syndrome...
I think we all have to remember that this is just hard no matter how you play it. Seriously, no way out but through...at least we know that what goes down will eventually go up. Normalcy, stability, eventually.
