Stress, WAW and life in general III

[AJM]

Thanks MB. It went pretty well. I decided if I was going to date her, I was going to do it right. Except for the kissing on the first date part. I didn't start that though

I picked her up at 7:30 and took her to a nice French restaurant here in Raleigh. It was excellent. Better than expected. The food. The date was better too. The only downsides to it were when she got on me about using crude speech (it was - she was right, but her approach was not appreciated). I stared at her while she said it over and over and let her have her say about it. I listened nicely and after she finally said it was all she had to say (Forrest?) I told her Ok. We moved on in the conversation. We talked about things we'd like to do and places we'd like to go. I'd basically like to go everywhere. She got defensive and asked me why now? Why do you want to travel now? I told her the truth. Most of it as it turns out anyway. I told her because the kids are old enough now. What I later thought of is that it is also because I do not have to worry about her and her school any more. I put off a lot of the travel while she was in school pursuing her dreams. I don't have to do that anymore. In fact, I'm being kicked in the head and told not to. Ok. I won't.

I dropped her off at her apt later and was a gentleman and walked her to her door. She asked if I wanted to come inside, but I declined (first date). She was pretty tired looking anyway and so was I.

I was thinking about something else though this morning. A week or so ago she said she thought mc was really helpful and that she felt that we would have divorced long ago if not for that and because the two of us aren't quitters.

I would not consider myself a quitter if I walked away today. When I think about it, she walked away over a year ago. The bomb didn't happen until about 6 months ago. Been a fight ever since. But that's not to say I would walk away with any regrets. I have none at this point.

What keeps me then? I do truly love my wife and do want an intimate relationship with her. I may be crazy, but to be honest I do love her. The core her. Some of the bs that is going on I hate. I do not like that I am not, and have not been a priority in her life for quite some time. Over a year. That leaves me angry and feeling betrayed. But that's not really important at this point. Because if there is no future, then the past is irrelevant to me.

Anyway, I left her a rose at the house (she's picking up son later today to stay the night. Daughter is at an overnight field trip with the school) and a note telling her thanks I really enjoyed it and would love to do it again. She sent me an email this morning telling me the same basic thing, so it kind of took the wind from my sails. I should hate her for that (not really - that's just humor).

Looking forward to some time by myself. I feel like too much as gone by and I haven't had the time to do anything with it.

Still need a break.

AJ