Ok, more emotions. Saw an email from her today that she wrote yesterday.
John, Please give me a call. I’ve made my decision. Hopefully it’s one you’ll like.
I talked w/ her this morning and she said yesterday she wanted to come home and today she feels like she can't trust me. I said why not? What have I done to make you feel that way? She said well, you've threatened me. I said how? She said about turning me in. I said, I haven't said one word about turning you in. She said well my parents may be turning me in. I said oh, I don't understand how that translates to having no trust for me. She said are you going to turn me in? I said I actually hadn't considered it till you mentioned it the other day. She said well, there's nothing to turn me in for. I said ok, what's with all this stuff you've told me then? She said I just wanted you to let me go. I said so you left because of me? She said no, I left because of me. She said, do you honestly think I could get men to go out w/ me? I said I do. She said well none of that stuff I told you happened, happened. She said I wanted to come home yesterday but today I don't. She said why did you not answer my calls? I told her I didn't want any drama yesterday. She went back to the turning her in thing--she said, there's no proof of anything. There was someone I liked and nothings happened and it's over. Ok--I'm thinking at this point she's scared beyond belief and she probably did end it as the call from her parents sounds like it woke her up. I said ok, so yesterday you wanted to come home but today you don't--I'm not sure I understand. It sounds like I'm buying a car--this deals only good for today but no good tomorrow? She said well, it's emotional, when you wouldn't take or return my calls yesterday I figured I couldn't trust you. I said, I had a good day yesterday and I really didn't want to ruin it with drama(even though there was plenty). She said, well, I'm not sure I can trust you. I said trust me to do what? She said not hold this over my head. I said, look, if you were to come back home, we would BOTH have to have clean slates to make this work, otherwise it will NOT work. She asked me if I would like to have lunch today--ok, fine.
Talked w/ my commander and gave him the skinny. He looked at me and said, ok, John, for now, I don't have enough information to act on anything and I have a feeling that the conversation we had the other day was a miscommunication, so unless I hear otherwise I'm just ready to go about the rest of my day.
OK, do I believe her?-- A BIG FAT NO!!!!
Am I willing to listen to what she has to say?--YES, of course, obviously I want this to work out or I would not be here.
So, how to proceed?--VERY, VERY carefully at this point.
A clean slate is mandatory at this point--do I think she cheated and is scared out of her mind that she's going to get in trouble?--yep
Is it the wrong reason for her to come home?--probably, but we can work on our relationship and she can see the real changes in me if she does come home.
And yes, I know there are some of you that think I should not let her come home at this point but hey, I love her still, I have 15 years invested w/ her, she is the mother of my child and I would love to spend the rest of my life with her still even after everything that has happened.
Remember, DivorceBusting is the name of the site. Be kind, please.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
You're a grown man and you have your own life to conduct. All we can do here is give you advice from our heart and wisdom based on what we read here. There is always a much fuller story to anything that is written here. You can't always explain love just as you can't always explain miracles. The risks here are outrageous, so we can only give you logical advice. Love isn't always logical or healthy, but it is what it is.
I hope this goes the way you really want it to, I hope it is all genuine, and I hope you heal and grow from this experience, no matter what the ultimate outcome.
Always on your side. (Even though I doll out plenty of unsolicited motherly tough love.)
You have nothing to justify. Afterall, this is all about you and her. I totally understand. None of us are here to judge. Just to be supportive. Love should be able to endure all things. You have learned a lot about love, respect and trust through your ordeal. You have learned to set you standards and figured out what you need and want. Now you can help her do the same if she is truly willing.
You're a grown man and you have your own life to conduct. All we can do here is give you advice from our heart and wisdom based on what we read here. There is always a much fuller story to anything that is written here. You can't always explain love just as you can't always explain miracles. The risks here are outrageous, so we can only give you logical advice. Love isn't always logical or healthy, but it is what it is.
I hope this goes the way you really want it to, I hope it is all genuine, and I hope you heal and grow from this experience, no matter what the ultimate outcome.
Always on your side. (Even though I doll out plenty of unsolicited motherly tough love.)
Lucky
I couldn't state this any better, John. For the record, I think she's full of it, and I think she's nowhere NEAR "bottom" and ready to have any REAL epiphany, but I'll try to support you either way.
For now, I think your stance needs to be "Give nothing . . . expect nothing." Do NOT unilaterally disarm. Think of today as a detente meeting, with all of your arsenal still at your disposal should you need it.
John, FTR...I vote she comes back home. The reason doesn't matter...now it the time you detach (I hate that word, how do you detach from your W of 15 yrs,,yadayada)lets try go slowly and protect your heart. No proof that she did anything...I wonder about the emails, bodywash, and the name on the computer? Tell her you want the cell phone records for the last 6-months.
Even now she can't tell you the truth. I will admit that this situation has been very ununsual...a Lt Col married to a Col having an affair with a MSgt, almost living in the apartment, a MSgt with a good chance of making SMSgt and CMSgt, having 4 affairs within 7-months, leaving her daughter...for the civilians reading - this is odd because the loss for anyone involved is much more than in the civilian world. Most Lt Col's are retirement eligible and the retired pay is significant. His wifes pay is even more. AFWAW W is a SNCO who has the potential (as AFWAW will!) to be promoted two more times...hundreds of thousands of dollars in lifetime earnings for a "fling" that will end in Oct AND could possibly result in a demotion or separation for either. Although it would not happen the possibility also exsist for a courtmartial - the kiss of death careerwise for an officer or SNCO.
Just be careful when/if she comes back...I do not like her telling you that if you had answered the phone she would have come back...that is another way for her to keep you wishing
...the best thing you can do right now is force her hand on the marriage.
You should not tell her anything about your legal plans to include exposure...do not cancel the lawyers appointment...she must give you the names of her OM (there are OM), counseling, family events, etc.
What did she say about cutting off your phone?
Stay calm, nothing has changed, don't get excited, way too early. Focus on your daughter
Again, just to be safe...consider a post-nup. She very well could be doing this to hedge her bets in a divorce...she can say she tried and it did not work, low profile until divorced, and hook-up with the OM. Remember...she is a liar.
Thanks everyone for your kind words and support. Yes, I am prepared to hear that she doesn't want to come home again.
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Just be careful when/if she comes back...I do not like her telling you that if you had answered the phone she would have come back...that is another way for her to keep you wishing
I know, I feel the same way...
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What did she say about cutting off your phone?
She said she didn't and would call today to see what the problem is--we'll see.
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Stay calm, nothing has changed, don't get excited, way too early.
I am trying to stay calm and you're right nothing has changed at this point.
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Remember...she is a liar
Ah, yes, I know.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
My situation is similar enough that I can really relate to how you feel. Even though you feel so betrayed and angry, deep deep down, you just want your W and family back. Please listen to Puppy and hooper. You have to stay strong and don't budge on your position. You've finally have the upper hand here, and she will be looking to get it back. She already perceives when push comes to shove, she has you, just like my W probably does. You have to go against all your feelings of love and be a rock. Sometimes our loved ones NEED us to be tough to force them back onto the right path. The best way to show her you love her is to MAKE HER get back on the right side of things. She's made it clear she won't go there on her own. She needs you to make her. Sometimes we forget how much we need our loved ones to make us accountable when we get off the right path, and not forgive and forget too easily.
If had really held my W accountable at the beginning of my situation, I think I could have avoided most of the h*ll I've been through. She got me flustered though, and she knew I loved her. I couldn't consistently hold the line. Each time I drew the line, she tested it, and whenever I buckled, she got the power back. Looking back, whenever she reached back to me, her strength weakened by fear and guilt, I could see her change before my eyes as I expressed my love and she realized she still had me. The guilt and remorse were pushed to the side, and her power returned. It's so frustrating to know now that I HAD THE POWER and I GAVE IT BACK TO HER!!! Don't make the same mistake I made. Now is not the time to express your love. Now is the time to be tough.
I'm not saying don't let her come back, but have absolutely non-negotiable terms and stick to them. Make her prove herself to you over a period of time before you offer to ease your terms. A post-nup sounds like a great idea! Putting some terms on yourself is okay, and even let her chime in on those. That will make it clear to her that you're serious about your M and not just being vindictive toward her. Of course only allow terms on yourself you're okay with.
She very well could be doing this to hedge her bets in a divorce...she can say she tried and it did not work, low profile until divorced, and hook-up with the OM. Remember...she is a liar.
V/R
This is very, VERYcommon script in affairs. VERY common -- esp. with women.
Lunch wasn't that good. She said it feels like everytime that she wants to come home and work things out there's a sign. Yesterday's sign was apparently me not taking her calls. She told me she's probably never going to make a move to call or see her parents again. The conversation quickly turned to stuff I've said and done over the years and to be frank a lot of it was accurate and I can see where she wouldn't want to come home. She said she's applying to go in the Army now--ok, whatever. She said she would like to come over Saturday and spend the day and night w/ us. She said she doesn't think she can move home. In the car, she got so angry and told me that she didn't think I would be able to take care of her. Then she started rehasing everything again. It was painful to hear. I really didn't know what to say and other than validating I don't know what else to do. If she doesn't come home there's not much I can do to show her how much I love and want her. As we pulled up to her work, she said I think you may just have to come to the realization that this might be over.
So, she still can't get past all the stuff from over the years and unless she can I don't see much hope of moving forward with her. So, back to planning a future without her again.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
