It is NOT easy to eliminate the self-protective screening mechanism that's been in place since your childhood.
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Exactly!!!
It "worked" when you were a boy to cope. Now that you are a man you need a better skill set.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
For so long I have carefully thought and analyzed before ever asking, saying or doing; fearing, predicting and controlling the response from those around me. It has kept me from really connecting.
Using my Dr Phil voice, "So how's that been working for you?"
Answer: Cr*ppy! It's kept me from really enjoying a lot of things in life.
Control really is overrated, but so easy to fall into as an inherent defense mechanism.
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I don't know what would happen if I really started to honestly open up right now with my W
You would create a emotional connection that would be more "real" than anything in your M until this point. Love yourself in spite of your faults. Be the best Thinker you can. You can handle it. Cheers
Part of what is tying me up is the dichotomy between this and much of DB: PMA, be strong, "Manly Assurance (TM)" ( to SP), be patient, space and time. That does not reconcile with what would likely come out if I really open up right now: Anger, sorrow, fear, pain, desire.
I have found ways to open up to my C and (to a lesser extent) to a few of my male friends, but how do I open up to my W without overwhelming her, scaring her, or otherwise pushing her right out the door.
What if she is not ready?
Last edited by Thinker; 05/14/0904:34 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Wow, I do think that every word of advice has its completely contradictory counterpart. For example, in this one thread the concept of putting thought before emotion and action is recommended and just a few posts away, that very concept is regarded as the impasse to real intimacy and communication.
That is what is confounding me as a fellow "thinker," how do you do both? How do you know when to be measured, thoughtful and controlled in speech and action? Versus when to be open, vulnerable and unselfconscious?
Thinking before speaking is wise in being sure that your message is being sent as intended, authentically and considerate of the receiver's feelings and assumptions. [Example: I am an emotional person, and post based from my gut and heart. Though my intentions are good, my delivery sometimes suffers so that the receiver cannot read the meaning through the haze of being stunned by blatancy.]
Screening or withholding thoughts and emotions so that you will be loved and accepted is not genuine. It is not reflective of what is inside. [Reverse example: In the corporate world, where intimacy is not usually appropriate, it makes sense to communicate strategically with the intent of being accepted, praised, promoted. Perhaps that is why people with intimacy issues do so well in the corporate world (some of my friends call them "corporate robots"... It is an easy place to hide and practice controlling outcomes with people. None of this behavior has any place in a loving, trusting, open R.]
Thinker: I would recommend that you start talking about non-R related topics. Go see a compelling movie together and talk about what you really thought of it. Bring up a memorable experience from your past and talk about how it made you feel. If the topic does not involve her, it is giving you a chance to show that you are open and can be trusted. Could that work for you?
Screening or withholding thoughts and emotions so that you will be loved and accepted is not genuine. It is not reflective of what is inside. [Reverse example: In the corporate world, where intimacy is not usually appropriate, it makes sense to communicate strategically with the intent of being accepted, praised, promoted. Perhaps that is why people with intimacy issues do so well in the corporate world (some of my friends call them "corporate robots"... It is an easy place to hide and practice controlling outcomes with people. None of this behavior has any place in a loving, trusting, open R.
Bingo!! -- the Corporate world and the military as well.
...and I have spent the past 20 years succeeding in and getting promoted in both!
Let me "think" on the rest of your post for a bit.
Last edited by Thinker; 05/14/0905:15 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Thinking before speaking is wise in being sure that your message is being sent as intended, authentically and considerate of the receiver's feelings and assumptions. [Example: I am an emotional person, and post based from my gut and heart. Though my intentions are good, my delivery sometimes suffers so that the receiver cannot read the meaning through the haze of being stunned by blatancy.]
Screening or withholding thoughts and emotions so that you will be loved and accepted is not genuine. It is not reflective of what is inside.
Screening or withholding thoughts and emotions or avoiding asking for what you want or need, or preventing yourself from doing things that you want to do*, so that you will be loved and accepted is not genuine. It is not reflective of what is inside.
(* obviously assuming that those things are legal and don't really hurt others)
Last edited by Thinker; 05/14/0905:31 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I just came back to the computer to ask you if you tend to withhold your true feelings, if you say what you think the other person wants to hear regardless of what you really think, or if it is that you avoid initiating the talk/intimacy/action out of fear. The way you edited that statement tells a lot.
I think I have modified my parents wisdom "If you don't have something nice to say, then don't say anything at all" to read "If you don't have something to say that you think will elicit a positive reaction, then don't say anything at all"
add to that:
"If the request you want to make might elicit a negative reaction, then don't make the request"
and
"If the thing you want to do might garner a negative reaction, then don't do it"
I know when I say it like that, it sounds pretty lame, but then these aren't my overt intentional thoughts - just my identification of the deeply set life strategies that have directed a lot of what I do.
I have identified the "snake" now I have to kill it.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
to SP), be patient, space and time. That does not reconcile with what would likely come out if I really open up right now: Anger, sorrow, fear, pain, desire.