Questions

[goingtofixME]

Let's see if I can put this down so it makes sense. When I told him that maybe I needed to change he got this look of confusion on his face. It was like an epiphany type look. It was like, Oh so maybe after all this time of me trying to change she says she needs to change. The more he thought about it, the more that became his reason for cheating (his justification). He was then able to say that he had tried changing for so long and all along he wasn't the one needing to change. I had admitted that it was me that needed to change.

Nothing I did or didn't do is a reason for him to have had an affair, but he needs to find his justification in order to feel okay with it. He said he found someone who listened to him when he didn't feel like he could talk to me. He said he didn't feel like he had the right to be upset or depressed about anything due to the fact my health was compromised and he really didn't have a reason to be depressed because of me, but that he was depressed. He said he felt like I would get angry and not listen. Which to be honest toward the end of our relationship I did get angry and not listen. It's hard to feel sympathy for someone when you yourself are in so much pain, but still going and working 12 hour shifts and your spouse sits on his butt playing video games, playing on his computer, and rarely cleans, and has claimed for 3.5 years that he is trying, but being a daddy and cleaning a house is hard (children are 10, 14, and 16 and clean the house and feed themselves). It was like a competition about who was more ill.

How do I mimic that statement about his happiness? I have no idea other than to be happy myself. I can't make him happy. I am coming to the realization that after 3.5 years of me trying that that was something that he was going to have to do. He is the one in charge of his happiness. All I can do is step aside and hope he figures out how to get there.