SSW struggling with GAL

[Bagheera]

Good morning, Lala;

Very well done, indeed, last night -- you should be proud of how well you handled the discussion. Just remember that you have embarked on a -process- that will take months, if not more, to navigate (and that's -after- you get your H on board at fixing the problem). There will generally be no single discussion that causes all of the light-bulbs to go off, or all of the issues to be discussed or much less resolved. Each successful R talk will perhaps produce one more sliver of illumination, one more hint at the direction that you both need to move in, IF you're lucky. You'll have to repeat yourself often, face the same objections over and over again --> but with understanding, patience, and perseverance your points will eventually sink in.

Your husband sounds like he has fallen into a very typical man-trap of defining himself, identifying himself through his career -- and not much more. I used to do the same thing. And when confronted about the lack of a satisfying -relationship- with your wife, you tends to point to the job: "but this is ME, this is what I do, and I work hard for the benefit of the FAMILY." This is a hard mode to get out of, and you expect your wife to be accepting and supportive of all the exhausting hours and 'sacrifices' that you make for the family (and get defensive when she doesn't). For my own part, it took a very long, reflective look at myself and the life I was leading before I finally understood that my wife didn't want a husband who was always working, always stressed, and always exhausted, regardless of how much money I made. She'd rather have less money, and -more husband-. And the upside was, that --> I <-- would have a much less stressful and much more satisfying life too.

You won't be able to change the fact that most men define themslves through their career, any more than you can change tha fact that most women define themselvs thorugh their relationships. However, you -can- work to convince him that a more BALANCED life will be better not just for you, but also for HIM and the rest of the family.

I asked him why it was so easy for him to say she is beautiful, but never me. He said he figured that was just a given, especially since she looks just like me. I told him no it's not a given that I need to hear that, and often. He said of course you're beautiful, I don't marry ugly people.

This is another difference between the sexes that is biting you in the behind. Men don't understand the importance of affirmation to women. We tend to think that if we told you "I love you" last year, you should just assume that we still feel that way until further notice. And if we told you that you were beautiful on your wedding day, then case closed -- you're beautiful, no further discussion necessary. Yeah....I know. Wrong answer to both.

The man (and perhaps you) needs to educate himself on how dramatically different men and women are when it comes to love, sex, and relationships.

I know you're getting a load of book recommendations (most of us old-timers have a shelf or two of relationship and sex books), but here are two more for you:

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
by John Gray

Despite his several attempts to repackage his basic material, this 'old' (1985) original presentatin is still, to me, John Gray's best book on the topic. I like everything except for his "Love Letters" approach to conflict resolution, which is a bit 'old school' and not very effective. The chapters on how men and women feel loved in a relationship are a must read.

The 5 Sex Needs of Men & Women
by Gary Rosberg, Barbara Rosberg, and Ginger Kolbaba.

The book is written specifically for Christian couples, but does the best job of explaining intimacy differences between the sexes and offering potential solutions in the area of Michele's Intimacy Dilemma of any book I've yet come across. If the religious theme / bits don't apply to you, ignore them -- it's worth the read anyway.

-- B.