P.S. I wouldn't "sit her down" to try to set her straight. She is using email for a reason. It is probably hard for her to talk about herself and her feelings in this way. Email may be a way for her to open up. Why not respect her choice on how to communicate here? It allows you both to be thoughtful and careful. It even gives you a huge opportunity to avoid falling into the old automatic patterns that will likely emerge if you go into face-to-face corrective hubby mode.
So, stick with email on this and see how it works. Think of it as journaling to each other.
And, this is important, stop right now thinking of her as the adversary who has to be turned around. She wrote to you as your partner in a tough and scary project that matters deeply to both of you. Treat her like your partner on this -- you both want to succeed. Let her be on your side. Give her that chance by not getting on the offense as a defense.
