I'm stealing a bit of time away from the insanity at work to see how things are going around here. I don't have much time, but I read through your thread and I'm so impressed with the way you sound - sensible, strong, independent, focused. I'm sorry to learn about your dad's decline, but I'm happy you were able to experience your new feelings for him as 'daddy'. A gift, indeed.
I'm also proud of you for steering your thoughts into the right direction when it comes to Mr. and Mrs. Ex.
Your work at the hospital sounds amazing. I bet they all love you to bits.
Love, love, love, Ms. Imp
P.S. All is well with me. My goal is to update my old thread as soon as I get a chance.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Thanks for checking in and the Mother's Day wishes.
Most of last week was spent working on my daughter's show and then getting to watch it. What a neat fun experience that was.
Good friends who live a distance away came by for an unexpected visit. We'd all been very close and newlyweds together. They both commented that this divorce may work out to be the best thing ever for me. "Ex had you so beaten down, we watched our Gypsy disappear." Both husband and wife commented on how I'm back.. the person they knew so many years ago re-emerging.
It's a constant challenge to remember why I'm doing what.. that even if the value of the house is plummeting, my ability to afford it doesn't change.. it just costs too much. Stay in the present, not stuck in the future and/or past.
I've been so busy recently that I forget to eat.. just a reminder of how much I use food as a distraction.
Lots of thoughts, too little time.
Oh, yes.. my dad was released to a rehab physical therapy unit where he'll be for about 3 weeks. The goal is to get him strong enough so he can use a walker to get to the bathroom. My brother is going down this week to help out for a few weeks. He's so good.
My dad wants to die. He's so weak he can't stand, he needs constant blood transfusions, he has less than 10% of his heart muscle left, there's blood in his stool, he's in a diaper.
He can't regain his strength (what little there was). He's in pain and uncomfortable. Although he's having physical therapy with dedicated professionals he can't improve. He's talking about hospice, no longer having any blood transfusions.
My mother called me, gasping in tears. She can't imagine life without him.. they've been married 55 years. In a very twisted way, ex leaving gave me perspective. I consoled her, shared how happy I was that I went down when I did. I told her to breathe, to get the oxygen rich blood cells to her brain, how to center herself. I said how glad I was that the anger and bitterness I had over my dad's actions dissipated.. that I truly enjoyed being there, how much it meant to me.
"Mom.. it's easy to project and worry about the future. You have the present. You have the now to savor the time with Dad. He's stayed with us years longer than anyone ever thought possible. That is a gift. He loves you and appreciates everything you do.. and it shows."
I'm sad.. for my dad, for my mom... for me, my kids. I want to go down and be there, let him know what he means to me before he dies. A hand held. A look. All that's taken for granted.
Gyps, I've walked that path with my mom when she discovered lung cancer. Hospice was wonderful, and they'll take care of the whole family, not just your dad. They can help your mom out, too. If you can, go again. It will bring peace to you and your parents.
I am so glad that you have had made peace because in the end that is what really matters. Several years ago my grandmother died(my Dad's Mom). We weren't particular close but I went to see her after she died and I made a promise to my Dad that no matter how mad we got at each other, we would always talk. It isn't worth cutting someone off for pushing buttons.
We have tested that promise and I am glad to say that this promise has held. My parents help even when I don't let on how much I need them. Maybe they can sense it.
Many hugs and I will be praying for your Dad and your family.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hey Gyps, very sorry to hear about your dad. Do the best you can for all the people around you that are hurting...especially your mom....she needs you now and will need you in the future. Be strong Gyps.
