confused.....want to do something.....

[pearlharbr]

Orchid, I think we're trying to open your eyes to the possibility of an EA/PA because it is rare that a WAS just picks up and leaves for no reason. I think most of us here who are living through our partner's affairs would have said pre-bomb that they would never be the type of person to do that. And do NOT believe his denials just because he says so: all cheaters lie.

I honestly hope this isn't the case for you. I just want you to be prepared. If there is any gut feeling, no matter how small, it's usually right. In my sitch, I had a feeling about OW in June. In November when I got the "I'm not happy" speech I asked xBF about the possibility of someone else. No, there's no one else. Within the month I had proof that there was indeed an EA with suspected OW that turned into PA and all the while he denied, denied, lied to my face.

That issue aside, I think it would do you a lot of good to really think about what you contributed to your current sitch. You said there were no signs. Really? I don't mean to blame you, I just think you need to search your soul and be honest with yourself. Did you just ignore those nagging feelings? Do you have any ideas about any behaviors that really bothered your H? Again, I offer this from personal experience. I knew something wasn't right but just assumed that it was a normal low point and that somehow it would just get better on its own.

One of the exercises that really helped me gain an understanding on things was to think about what attracted xBF to me in the first place. When we first got together, what was I like and what were the things that he commented on at that time that he appreciated? And then compare that to the person you are now. What's different? Everyone changes over time, but are the changes good and positive? Do you truly like the person you are right now?

For me, I didn't like the answers I came up with. I immediately understood why xBF would be unhappy and turn toward someone else to get what he was not getting from me. I do not accept all the blame for all of our problems, but I do accept responsibilities for my part. I am working on those things, slowly but surely, because I know that I will be a better and happier person.

Sorry, didn't intend to make this all about PH time, just trying to give you an example of what others are going through.

Please do find sandi2's list of things to do/not do. It's a great list of specific guidelines. Keep up the GAL activities. Remember, use this time to work on you. That way no matter what happens with your H, you will come out of this a better person.