My wife and I have come to refer to this "thing" that seems to come between us each time as "The It." We've always had a great relationship -- best friends, even -- are compatible, have many (not all) shared values, agree politically, etc. There's just always been this "It" that comes between us, as she feels herself losing me, instead of drawing TOWARD me, she pulls away even more, and then I respond with even more distance (and/or pissy/pouty behavior), and the cycle spirals downward and our sex life goes to hell in a handbasket.
This has happened in regularly-recurring cycles, and I've also noticed that the cycles now have rapidly accelerated (used to be every 5 years or so, then 3, then 1, now even faster). We've talked about this, and agreed that if we could somehow push thru this dynamic, and learn how to recognize it EARLY, and deal forthrightly with it, that we might be able to lick the problem.
Well, here's my opportunity.
Last nite, my wife sent me this e-mail (even though I was home, standing five feet away from where she was sitting at her laptop):
(Husband),
We never really discussed what we are going to tell the kids on Saturday. So being that we can't exactly discuss what we are going to discuss in front of them, I guess we need to figure it out this way.
I was talking to my client (the counselor), and I told her that we were going to talk to the kids this Saturday about things. She made a few suggestions that make sense. The one thing she said was to be very careful to not give false hope to them. They (especially the boys because we never spoke to them at all) need to know that we have problems and that we are going to try to work them out. We should not tell them that everything is going to work out since we don't really know that. I also told her that down the road we mentioned renewing our vows. She said that right now we should work on the relationship and the issues we have. If we are able to iron things out and make this work, then we can renew our vows. She said this would fall into the "giving false hope" category. She also said not to confuse "romance (the renewing of our vows), with working on our issues to try to save our marriage. This all makes a lot of sense to me.
I have to tell you that since we talked and got some things off our chests, that there was this feeling of relief. Since then suddenly reality has set in, and I've gotten fearful. I know this might not make sense to you, or maybe it does. E verytime we say we are going to try again. Then, it all goes back to the way it was when neither one of us was happy. But the time before we decide to try again, the stress of the mediator, etc., is so extremely stressful and sad, that I always say I could never go through it again, and yet we do. I'm scared, really scared. Can you understand how I feel? Maybe you feel the same. What are some of the feelings you have felt since we talked?
(Wife)
This is how I responded:
(Wife),
Let's talk about this tomorrow -- I'm exhausted. I do think we need to be on the same page, and agree that we need to be careful how we handle it.
I will say, that I have zero doubt that we can do this if we COMMIT to working at it. Our friendship is that strong, and our bond that deep. The only "missing ingredient" has been our consistent EFFORT, and that -- it seems to me -- IS something we can commit to, if we choose to.
(Puppy)
I have some very strong opinions and thoughts here, but I thought I'd ask for yours first. Help, anyone?? I'm willing to do something differently than what I've done in the past (I think I HAVE to, otherwise you've got that "Definition of Stupidity" thing), but is that "something" trying to better understand her feelings and fears, or is it calling her on her bullchit??
