I looked at your post and read it a few times to take it in. I see that 'dating' is THE most pro-active way to turn things around. I suppose it is a possible win win situation in that you get to date again and the possibility of turning a relationship around. I suppose on the flip side, if my W is involved in an A is heavily into the OP and finds outs, it would be justification and possible closure on our relationship.
I have successfully stopped pursuing and given her all the space she needs. She wants even more space by asking me to have the children more, but I am going to try and set a boundary here as I love my children dearly, but I must set a boundary and not become a babysitter. When I refuse or disagree on when I have the children other than the alloted schedule, she says I do not really care about the children and you have not really changed. I do not know if she means it or she is just trying to be a spoilt brat that does not get their own way.
I like the other areas of improvement also. You're right though my first priority is a job.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
If you're interested in pursuing Gucci's approach with using dating OW and jealousy to attempt to rekindle your M, it might be worth you looking at the work of TW (T Dub) Jackson. This is the approach he uses in his guidance. There are some really interesting ideas I found within his advice. I've still not ventured down the road of seeing OW yet as I'm not sure I'm ready but I'm also not against the idea for anyone who is ready to take that step. As Gucci said, jealousy is a powerful emotion and as a tool is often overlooked on this site. It won't work for everyone but it may work for some. Only you can know if you think it will help your sitch.
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
Yes, I will check TW out. I, like you am not ready to date at all, but I do have someone in mind that I could take out but just as 'friends'.
I also feel this can be a very high risk strategy as it could signal to my W that things really are over and she can bring her OM out into the open. If gucci says it is something worth considering, it is worth considering.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
can i ask, what "would be justification and possible closure on our relationship" for you? in other words when would you say enough is enough and walk away yourself?
a cheating spouse? constant disrespect? months without sex? just out of curosity. Steve.
When I refuse or disagree on when I have the children other than the alloted schedule, she says I do not really care about the children and you have not really changed.
I am not sure how you state it. It might help kill that converstion if you just tell her you already have plans when she asks you to take the kids.
It seems like a lot of leaving spouses want out of the whole marriage and child obligation and in their heads they use the LBS as their crutch to maintian the parts of life they don't want as a responsibility. ie...kids they love them but don't want the obligtion to obstruct what they are searching for.
All of the above is what I am experiencing now. When you put it in those terms it makes you wonder why we are doing it, but it is because of the love we have for our WAS's.
Many LBS's are experiencing those same symtoms above, but most, like me want to work on trying to re-build a relationship rather than just walk away. At this stage I do not know when I would draw a line under our relationship, but some posters continue for years to try and restore their relationships. Hand on heart and at this stage, if my stbx dated and re-married then that would be it, but at the moment I will fight for my wife up to that point unless something else I thought was unacceptable occured.
I will try and do everything I can so that when I come to the conclusion in my own mind I can safely say I did everything I could to save our marriage. My children also would want us to get back together, and so they are a driving factor.
The question of when enough is enough can only be answered by the LBS and their own personal sitch
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
The question of when enough is enough can only be answered by the LBS and their own personal sitch
Mark, I know you had a down moment this morning but you sound so different to the Mark that came on this site a few weeks ago. You're getting stronger and standing up for yourself and so much clearer about where you are at. You are really getting there.
It's that selfish part of the WAS that will block out (albeit temporarily) in regard to the children any intrusion to their new lifestyle. I have and will continue to use the 'I have plans' line if only to draw a boundary and not be blackmailed.
I would like to believe once this 'me time' period subsides and the fog starts to clear abit, my W will start to think that maybe the grass isn't greener and will begin to really think about her decision.
Maybe she is thinking with a clear head and wants to be on her own with the children in the house I re-built and decorated, but only time will tell on that one.
I do not believe it is fair on the children to be shoved around from pillar to post when it suits her
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I hope you are well. I appreciate you reading my post from early morning, I felt terrible and I hate to admit it but I just curled up into a ball with my duvet around me on the floor.
I just wish I could keep on a reasonably even keel, as one minute I feel ok'ish, and then the next minute I am in complete despair and feel very frightened for the future. My W has detached from me without a shadow of a doubt, and now I feel I just have to do all the things we have discussed.
It is just so incredibly painful.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
i quess i asked the question wrong. let me put it this way - jealousy works.
i got a story. my wife bagged on our marriage for awhile. toxic friends, partying, who knows what with who, im not in love with you anymore. i got to the point where enough is enough, im getting a life without you, the whole nine yards they tell you to do. realized my wife wasnt all that and a bag of chips, and wasnt the only one interested in me.
so, we are at a party, toxic friend #1 flirts me up. no lie. i actually hate this chick for her divorced life is great bad attitude. but i'm not getting anything from my wife, so i didnt mind. drunk, she says to my wife who would be ignoring me otherwise. "your stupid someones gonna snatch him up quick." I have never seen such a burnt look on my wife's face.
