H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[Dawn of Hope]

Geez, I can't believe I've been away so long...I think I just needed a break from the boards to clear my head a bit and step away from all the drama and heartache I see here. I've just been catching up on some of what I've missed in the last 2-1/2 months that I've been away from the boards.

Just to summarize, beginning at the time of my last post...H was laid off, and was out of work for 2 months and then got another job, in more or less the same field but with a significant pay cut, in mid-April.

I have been increasingly less pleased to talk to him, although I haven't been nasty or rude or sarcastic. He and I have had a few of those lovely conversations that we used to have a lot--you know, the ones where he politely points out all my flaws (real or imagined), and my "sins" against him, but when I try to (carefully, in DB-friendly fashion) pin down what he wants from me instead, he just talks in circles and the only thing I can pull out of the conversation is that he wants me to make more money. He didn't even bother making it clear to me until I explicitly asked, six weeks after he lost his job, that I have had no medical insurance since he was laid off, and the current job is as a contractor, so he says he doesn't have the option of putting me on medical insurance. With that in mind, I have discontinued all of my medical treatments, therapies, and medications, including my AD's (which I've now been off of for over 2 months) and counseling, as a cost-cutting measure so that I can continue to eat.

He is still paying for the mortgage and utilities (which I do appreciate), but is complaining mightily about it, indicating I should be doing the honors, even though he makes over 5x as much I do, even after his pay cut (my income is below the poverty line for one person--a hazard of being a self-employed artist with minimal marketing skills). Right after he got his new job, he treated himself to a fairly expensive guitar (which he said he bought with some of his unused severance pay). I said nothing about it when he subsequently complained about paying for the house he owns but chooses not to live in, and the second mortgage that was needed mostly due to debts he chose to run up. I wouldn't have a problem with his buying a guitar for himself, even though he has eight or ten guitars already, except for the whining about meeting his financial obligations that followed the purchase.

Okay, enough venting on that. I will say that between some of the things he said recently, and some other conversations I had around that time, I realized that I really need to make some more major changes in my life, such as digging deeper to find ways to increase my income. I already knew I needed to make all of these changes, but I had been cutting myself too much slack, excusing myself mentally because I have been trying to recover from the punches of the deteriorating relationship, his moving out, and so on. I had been trying to deal, but not trying hard enough, I guess. I know that I have been feeling overwhelmed and stuck and trapped in inertia, so I haven't been actually DOING stuff I knew I needed to do. I also know that this is one of the biggest manifestations of my depression, and sometimes the AD's don't do much for those tendencies in me.

So...to summarize, I have a whole lot of work to do on myself, and I am having trouble getting started. I believe I have enough baggage for a royal world tour!

Thank you all for your advice, encouragement, inspiration, and the occasional well-placed 2x4. I could use whatever prayers are offered. From here on out, I plan to post more frequently than I have been recently.

Peace,
Dawn