But not now. This is about the kids hurting and being confused in large part, because of his actions. I just want him to let go of the denial on that one and admit it. He does occasionally text me that he knows this is 'tearing Nathan up' and that it 'kills him' that the kids are hurting. But I don't know that I believe him since he doesn't change his actions...
He will not admit anything..that is a cheeseless tunnel..he will always think the kids are going to be ok until one of the kids actually tells him stright up how they were effected...IMO
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The whole thing just frustrates me because the kids are sharing all of this with me, but not Dan.
For example, Dan yells at Nathan a lot when Nathan is practicing karate. Actually, Nathan will whine/cry and say he doesn't want to, and his dad yells at him for whining. Then if Nathan screws around while practicing his dad yells at him again. This isn't screaming, it is more like b!tching at Nathan, if that makes sense.
Well anyway Nathan said something to me about wanting his dad back home, wanting us together, something along those lines. I said, "Honey you always tell me these things and i am glad you do, but why don't you ever tell your dad?" Not because I want to guilt trip Dan but because I want him to see what it is like to have the kids asking these things every day, for him to have to answer them instead of always me.
Anyway, Nathan replies, "I don't tell Daddy because he might get mad at me. I don't want him to yell at me."
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Great! He is afraid to share his feelings with his dad b/c he doesn't want his dad mad at him. I feel like Dan should know this. But I won't tell him b/c I don't want him to think I am guilting him again...maybe I will mention it to the counselor.
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Nathan in counseling?? I would think that a good counselor would get this from Nathan and you would not have to mention it??
You are right Jeff. I like NOT having drama. Even though Dan probably thinks I stir things up intentionally....
For instance, I would like to do what the pastor said. Ask him one last time if he truly wants a divorce. (I KNOW, read the signs, he is not trying to get closer to me so he must want the divorce. BUT he refuses to say the words. Which is annoying!) If he says he wants one, or if he refuses to answer the question, then tell him that I am going to go ahead and go to the lawyer and file.
The main reason I want to tell him before I go file is so I can confirm some things with him first. Such as: 1)I assume he would like me to serve him in person rather than having him served at work.
2)Give him the heads-up that he will be paying half (if not all) of the retainer, so be prepared when the attorney bills him. I actually don't know if he will bill him, or just include the fees in the settlement. But based on income discrepancy, he will wind up paying at least part of the legal fees.
3)Ask him specifically what custody arrangements he wants. I offered him 50/50, I want him to have 50/50. But he thinks he isn't capable. So to make it simpler I would prefer to know up front how much custody he actually wants so I can put it in the paperwork.
Anyway the more we agree on ahead of time the cheaper the divorce will be.
But saying any of that will probably come across as my 'provoking' him.
I would just feel better warning him ahead of time since that is the route the pastor advised. If he blows me off, says he 'doesn't want to talk about it', whatever, then I will file and put in there the way I want things to be and he will have to just roll with it and deal...
I sure hope all that works out the way you want BBJ..I really do..I can tell you this...once the process begins I think things will deteriorate rather rapidly..and i would let someone else serve him..
I just want him to let go of the denial on that one and admit it. He does occasionally text me that he knows this is 'tearing Nathan up' and that it 'kills him' that the kids are hurting. But I don't know that I believe him since he doesn't change his actions...
Hi BBJ, first off I want to tell you that I am in the same predicament as you are with D8. I spoke to XW about it once and she turned it on me...apparently I was somehow encouraging this. Well, that wass the last time I ever spoke to XW about D*s feelings regarding our seperation. The latest episode was on mother's day weekend. I take it as a compliment that D8 speaks to me about those feelings.
Back to your quote above: How do you want him to let go of the denial? What would he have to do? Say to you that it is his fault that he is breaking up this beautiful family and hurting the kids beyond repair? I guarantee that even if they (WAS) believe this that they will never admit it to us. "He does not change his actons"....again what change are you expecting?
I guess honestly what i want from him has little to do with me. I want him to show how he cares for his kids but I am looking for him to do it the way I would do it, which is silly. Because he isn't me.
I want the kids to be able to talk to him openly and not be afraid. But the counselor said that kids are smart when it comes to reading grown-ups. They can tell I share their feelings for the most part (I still love their dad and want us together).
Conversely, they can tell that their Dad does not share their feelings, generally speaking. (he is the one who moved out so he must not want us to be together, they do not see him cry or be sad about it like they have seen me on occasion)
Anyway, counselor said they feel safe sharing with me, that is why they share with me and not with him. I just don't want them to have a strained relationship with their dad in years to come because they felt they couldn't be close to him during such a major upheaval in their lives...
I realize I am worrying about something that isn't mine to fix, just want my kids to feel comfortable with both of us.
I hear you BBJ. Try not to worry too much about the relationship your kids will have with their dad in the future. I know several adults who had less than model fathers who love them to death today. Others who had "normal" dads and are not very close. Try to do what you can but concentrate on you for a change.
I guess honestly what i want from him has little to do with me. I want him to show how he cares for his kids but I am looking for him to do it the way I would do it, which is silly. Because he isn't me.
I want the kids to be able to talk to him openly and not be afraid. But the counselor said that kids are smart when it comes to reading grown-ups. They can tell I share their feelings for the most part (I still love their dad and want us together).
Conversely, they can tell that their Dad does not share their feelings, generally speaking. (he is the one who moved out so he must not want us to be together, they do not see him cry or be sad about it like they have seen me on occasion)
Anyway, counselor said they feel safe sharing with me, that is why they share with me and not with him. I just don't want them to have a strained relationship with their dad in years to come because they felt they couldn't be close to him during such a major upheaval in their lives...
I realize I am worrying about something that isn't mine to fix, just want my kids to feel comfortable with both of us.
BBJ...Dan will either make or break a R with his kids..it's as simple as that.
my R with Matthew sucked to be quite honest..simply because I was denied court ordered visitation due to his mothers actions at the time...with no recourse I simply lived through it...I was not allowed to be the father that I could be because of matthew's mothers actions....
I learned from the first D...
Caleigh..is totally different..I get her when I'm supposed to have her and I'm available to get her when I'm not supposed to have her...our R(mine and caleigh's) is what we make of it...we make it with every interaction we have...and I'll say that as far as i know Kim stays out of it...and that's what she should do...I sure would not interject myself in any way in Kim's/caleigh's mother daughter R and would think that Kim would be highly offended if I attempted to...
I'm glad they are in counseling...I hope Dan is doing some of that with them...that's the only way his eyes will be opened IMO..and even then they may not be..
So another day has come and gone (almost) and I didn't try to talk to Dan, he didn't try to talk to me.
Last night I got home from night class, he was asleep in the kids' room. I shook him, he stirred, I went back out. It was already 9:30...he didn't come out until 10:30 and then he said he was leaving.
I said fine but I was annoyed, mainly b/c he stayed an hour after I got home, sleeping. Don't know why it bugged me, but it did. He doesn't live here, he can go somewhere else and sleep!
He asked what was wrong, I just said there were things we needed to handle but the only time we had the chance without kids around was 10:30/11 at night.
He said we could find a time to talk. I asked what his plans were (meaning kids). He said he was re-roofing his house w/BIL on Fri-Sat-possibly Sun. I just said "OK. Looks like my weekend with the kids, no problem." So I have the kids the next four days. (OK seriously I always have them but he won't even be coming by the next four days, is what I am planning on.)
Before he left I told him that I had gone to talk to the pastor. I hadn't told him that part yet...so I told him that we talked for almost 2 hours, that I had wanted a Biblical perspective on our situation from someone whose opinions I trusted.
[For the record Dan thinks he is a great pastor, straight-shooter, calls-it-like-he-sees-it. So he puts stock in this guy's opinions.}
Dan asked what he had to say. I mentioned nothing about him saying Dan was lost and had a porn problem and all of that. I have learned--he gets defensive when I tell him what the kids say and I figured if I told him what the pastor said he would think that was just my opinions coming out...
So I told him that the pastor said: *Biblically, I had reason to file and that if I chose to, I was not doing anything wrong.
*He also said he would pray for our M to be restored, b/c it is God's will that all marriages be restored if they can be.
*Pastor said he would love to talk to Dan individually and to both of us together to help us sort things out if we were interested
*Pastor suggested I tell Dan ahead of time that I am going to file so he has one last chance to tell me if he wants to work on our marriage, then I may as well go ahead and file.
Dan looked a little surprised, then he said, "Then I will go talk to Perry (pastor) myself."
I just said "Ok, good" and went back to what I was doing and he left. I am not going to ask him about it, he will go if he wants to go and I will not involve myself.
I read "fear". Anxiety because you feel "this HAS to be it". You still try to provoke an "awakening". At least that is what I see. And I know the feeling and understand it. It is scary. But Bbj, both of us have been living without our Hs for so long, I need to believe it is all going to be easier that what we think, if we come to the end of our Ms. xxxxx K
Honestly, it isn't fear. At least, not fear for me. He is the one who will ultimately have to face what he has lost.
I have actually been good the past 3 days. Don't know why, what is different. But I have been thinking about what it will be like to have someone (new) love me, want me, treat me special, etc etc. I don't know when that will happen, I am in no big hurry, but when it does happen, it will be great!
I am reading a book I bought when we first separated a year ago, but which I put away when H came back last summer. It is about using the time you are apart to figure out who YOU are, what you really want in life, etc etc. The idea is to make sure that if/when your spouse comes back, you don't get together too soon, accept things that aren't lined up with your true nature, etc.
I am not reading it in hopes that we will get back together. I am reading it b/c I want to re-discover my core values, goals, needs. Being a part of a couple for so long, where I did so much of the 'giving', I have not thought about what I want in a long time.
For example, when I think of hobbies I think of cows and golf. But that is b/c that is what Dan and I have always done together. Do I really like those things, or like them b/c he does? Hope that makes sense...I just want to start figuring out what I want for my life, and start making it happen. Even as simple as what furniture I buy for my bedroom, making sure I get what I want, not what I think he would like...
