IRMAT, To answer your question as to why the op has so much control...simple, our runaway spouses look to them as saviors, i.e., they listen, validate, affirm and egg them on to do things that they might not have done had they been in their right minds. The op is most likely just like them...seeking someone to feed off of. Euphoria plays a major role in the lusting relationship that they have, true love is very, very different from the endorphins pulsating a high rate of speed. Think about it...young love or puppy love, people go out of their way to impress the op and will do or say anything for that special attention. Control? Yes, the op person uses that euphoria to get what they want. When the endorphins settle down, that's when the curtain on this show goes down, lights come up and the real relationship begins w/all of the warts and scars showing.
Do not worry about the control issue, it will crack some day when and if they come to their senses and they see the light of day once more.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Dear Snodderly, Thank you so very, very much for taking the time to write; your insight means a great deal. What you have written speaks with so much truth and at the end of the day truth is really where things begin and end.
I have court in a couple of hours where I meet my H face on in relation to a barring order application. I have never had to do anything like this; but I have to for the sake of myself and my D. I was talking with a friend of mine last night who is a family law solicitor. She has said that she has heard first hand of disgusting things that my H has been saying about me to mutual friends and work colleagues in the arts community where we live; he has been saying that I am sick in the head, that I want it all my way in life or no way at all and that I was simply impossible to deal with. I am so hurt and frightened by this man......I simply do not understand how he is able to be so cruel and heartless about me and to my face. At the end of the day I am the mother of his child and I am still legally his wife. I am foremostly though a human being with feelings. If my H wanted to leave the M to be with OW that is one thing; it is devastating. But to have these slanderous things said about me, things that belittle my suffering and grief which he has caused single handedly, the suffering of my child through this. Well, how does someone do this to another persons life? I have been told that because there has been n physical violence (yet) I am extremely unlikely to get the barring order today if I go through the full court proceedings.My advisors are suggesting I apply for a revoke of the application based on an underwriting by my H to stay away from the family home unless by prior invitation. I want to feel safe in my own home. I want my D to be protected from my H crisis.......I cant explain his behaviour any other way. He is a WAS, and he is annihilating my name and my care by his extreme action. I am grieving for the loss of my marriage and the husband and the men that I knew and loved, who has gone seemingly forever. It seems as if he is possessed by something; he ha sdropped all sense of interest and responsibility. Can men really just jump so coldly from one life to another? Its frightening what they leave behind........
I have to assume that my H is in crisis and you have actively confirmed that. the alternative is unthinkable; that he is coldly and calculatedly destroying our lives. What must he think of himself to do what he is doing and say what he is saying? Surely it is a projection of his own self worth?
I want to thank all of you again, this support that i receive is so important.......it is literally getting me through this torrid time and reminding me that there are good people out there in the world. Thank you so much Top Edit
Innishannon, Go read my threads if you havent already. I am just now getting my life back. Our h/xh's are acting out in the SAME WAY. My xh lives with his gf, no longer ow, and is planning on marrying her. What Snodderly said is soooo correct. It took me forever to see that. I was/am like you, I didnt understand how my once lovable h could disown me like he does. Since his new gf, he wants ZERO contact with me. Our son is 18 and has is own phone, so they talk almost everyday. My xh doesnt ask about our finances or how I am doing. He doesnt care. Like Snodderly explained....a perfect example is my xh...he has given up fishing, and all the things he loves to please her, to keep her happy. He use to take my calls (I didnt need to be calling, but thats another story), and help out a little until her. He spends every dime he can get on her, even bought her an expensive house dog for mothers day. My xh HATES dogs in the house, would not have one here at home. Innishannon they seem to go crazy for this attention. I havent spoken or tried to contact my xh in any way for almost 2 months now. I even go out of my way to make sure we do not make contact. I want him to totally have me out of his life. His choice so I am making sure his wishes come true, something I should have done months ago, but would NOT LISTEN to ANYBODY! Even after almost two months of no contact, he STILL trys to explain to people why he left me. His only excuse to them is after he left me I wouldnt let him be and showed up at his place when he was trying to date someone else. He basically tells them I am crazy. He cant come up with a reason he left, I guess he doesnt know why and knows everyone would say he is to blame, so he tells them about the aftermath. Instead of letting it go, and not talking about our situation, he is bringing me up to people. You would think that after two months he would just let me be, but no he thinks he has to still explain and tell people how I acted. I assume, as Snodderly says, the ow validates this because she thinks I am crazy too.lol She has called me desperate, which I was, but no longer am, and thinks he NEVER cheated on me, she thinks he left me because he hated me.lol He obviously is still pulling the wool over their eyes. He says he loves her, but when he works out at the gym, he tells the guys there, young ones too, that he has been with many women and when one walks in, he claims he has been there and done her too. He calls this love? Hang in there Innishannon time does heal. I didnt believe it, but it does. I am like you people divorce all the time, but to treat someone like they are trash, especially someone you love, is uncalled for. I can handle the divorce better than this treatment anyday. I will be praying for you.
Wow Renee, thanks so much for your post and your input. I am so very very sorry to hear that you have had such a painful time, what a terrible journey you have had to endure. All we can do is support each other through this extraordinary time. I know from other situations that time does heal certain things.....and I and God knows that I have tried to love him in the best way i can; I have tried to be a good wife and a good mother (which I continue to be). yes, its the trashing of us that seems the worst......even worse than the feature of the OW(in my H's case she is his development manager of his company). All I can do is be the best person I can be, love people as God directs and protect myself and my family as best as I can. Thanks so much and I will be praying for you too
I, How did the court appearance go? You've pretty much summed it up...the lies, lashing out, etc. are purely projection on to you how he feels about himself and also, the things he does. If you can walk away from him when he's like this, do so. You are a human being w/feelings and you've done nothing to deserve this verbal abuse. The less you react, the better.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks so much for your post; it has been without doubt the most traumatic day of my life. I didnt get the barring order; this basically means that because my H is under a protection order he is allowed freely in the house but is under surveillance. My L arrived slightly late, my H arrived a few minutes earlier wearing the suit he married me in which really hurt. He was in fine form , laughing and cracking jokes with his solicitor and with other people waiting to go into the court house. My L spoke with H's L with an offer to carry out an undertaking to agree to stay away from the marital home unless by prior arrangement and agreement.H's L completely rejected this with the only concession that they were willing to make being that when H is having access in the family home I would need to leave. I of course rejected this completely.So into court we went. the battlelines were drawn. I gave my evidence first, the judge asked me a few questions about how I would define the term threat by my H. I answered and then preceded to be cross examined by H's L. It was shocking; he savaged me; suggesting that the separation was amicable until I found out about H's OW, which I denied; accusing me of taking out the orders to try and punish H for being in a new relationship, pinpointing my study and work abroad as being a case for his client to have to have taken on the role of primary carer. One of the most upsetting things is that my H had requested the court to hear a witness. This person is his ex wifes partner, the man who broke up my H's first marriage, he is head of psychology at a university nearby and my H was calling him in to give a psychological assessment of our D7. this was refused thank god. I am shocked and appalled at how my H is working with all of this. he was cold and unemotional, stared at me when I was being slammed by his L. He has also been spreading rumours around the arts community here, suggesting that I am sick in the head, I want everything my own way and that I am impossible to live with. my fear and sneaking suspicion is that he is indeed serious with OW and that they are planning to get d to stay with them. I will fight this hard. I am so destabilised by this man, who looks like my H but is out to ignore and destroy. I feel unprotected, especially emotionally. He has broken my heart and my trust. Sorry I am so low, just a little overwhelmed............
Oh boy, have just woken up and am really struggling everyone Its hitting me just what I am dealing with here. A WAW in MLC. And I think that he hates me. I have given ten years of my life.......he has now moved into a completely different life and i am heartbroken I dont understand how i can suffer like this; he has just left me with nothing and i dont know what to do; how to cope, how to care for our D. he is fighting me and fighting me dirty........legally, personally. He has erased me from his existence Please can someone help; because of the delayed reaction of the court case today is a bad day
I am rather new to this myself... My sitch is different, even though my W is a WAS.
I feel your pain - please hang in there - it won't always be this way, it only feels like it right now. My sitch started out rather dirty, with a nasty L and false accusations. Cost me a lot of money, and a lot of emotional stuff too...
It won't always be this way, and I bet better days are ahead of you. Get through today!
Take care, ok? It is extremely tough, but do hang in there!!!
Me: 46 W: 46 M: 9.5 yrs D4, D9 D filed by her 11/3/08 Agrees to try rec at mediation 1/28/09 Says she still wants D in counseling 3/25/09 W and I back in DB counseling (!) 8/20/09 3rd Bomb 9/2/09
Hi...was reading a little of your thread. I am sorry you are in so much pain.
I know how you are feeling. It is intense and painful. But try to keep yourself grounded, even physically. I find when I get to times like this, I literally put both my feet on the ground, and breath deeply. It doesn't necessarily ease the pain, but it does help me to get hold of it. If you let it get hold of you, it hurts worse.
Remember, your H is not the man you married right now. He is lost, and sick, and I don't think he hates you, but hates himself and is projecting it onto you.
I wish I could give you more, but these people are so hurt and in so much pain that they will look for a fix anywhere. It's like detoxing from drugs, they will try to do whatever it is they can so that they can feel better. They are selfish and self centered, and don't care who they hurt.
But one day that will change. They will look back with shame. It does not mean they come back, necessarily. But they will regret the pain they caused others.
And when that day comes, you will be stronger, wiser, and in a better place. I know it doesn't feel like it right now. But that which doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger.
(((Hugs...))) Lola
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Thanks for your post.......it really means something so thanks I have been trying to do the honest thing and stand for my marriage; quietly with God but I have lost mostly all of my faith at his time which is frightening. I have never lost my faith before. I am literally taking one day as it comes........I feel I am in so much pan; a lot of it delayed I can see that my sitch is going to get a lot worse before it gets better and I am struggling with how i am going to deal with that I dont recognise my H; I have no idea what he has done or is doing
