WAW1 - Anticipation

[markhaving probs]

It is 6.50am here and I am having yet another bad morning. As much as I try, every morning is the same thing. I think about my wife constantly, my children, my lack of work and future career.

My funds are dwindling to a point where I will be broke soon, and this is not a good place to be in when I am slowing trying to get my head together. I saw my doctor yesterday who perscribed some anti-depressants and has also referred me to a physciatrist to pull me out of my slump. I cannot even bring myself to open letters or even go food shopping, in fact I do not really want to leave this house.

My wife rang me on Wednesday to ask me about my son. She then went on to tell me her dentals fee she just had to pay, and the fact she required two new front tyres on her car. She told me they found two nails very close together in one tyre, she then thought my family may have sabotaged her tyres.

Unfortunately for me, my wife feels very threatened by my family as my father has a temper (not physical) but has over the years said things to my wife that has made her hate my father with a passion. There has hardly been any inter-action between my family and my wife's family, and my wife has told me on many occasions I am getting more like my father every day. She hates him so much, and with her loathing of my family, I cannot see why she would want to possibly re-build our relationship even if she wanted to. The pressure would be very difficult to bear, not just our relationship after an A, but the fact she does not want anything to do with them. In her eyes she has now severed all ties with me apart from the children and financial matters, and the pressure of having to deal with my family has also gone away.

These added pressures are another reason why I do not believe we will ever get back together, and even after 5 months I feel worse now than I did when the bomb dropped, because at least I had a job then. I seem to keeping dreaming the same dream as well - being together as a family, being on holiday, it is more of a nightmare to be honest which re-occurs virtually every night.

I apologise for this downbeat post. I do not expect anybody to answer it, I am just journalling my feelings.