My dad wants to die. He's so weak he can't stand, he needs constant blood transfusions, he has less than 10% of his heart muscle left, there's blood in his stool, he's in a diaper.
He can't regain his strength (what little there was). He's in pain and uncomfortable. Although he's having physical therapy with dedicated professionals he can't improve. He's talking about hospice, no longer having any blood transfusions.
My mother called me, gasping in tears. She can't imagine life without him.. they've been married 55 years. In a very twisted way, ex leaving gave me perspective. I consoled her, shared how happy I was that I went down when I did. I told her to breathe, to get the oxygen rich blood cells to her brain, how to center herself. I said how glad I was that the anger and bitterness I had over my dad's actions dissipated.. that I truly enjoyed being there, how much it meant to me.
"Mom.. it's easy to project and worry about the future. You have the present. You have the now to savor the time with Dad. He's stayed with us years longer than anyone ever thought possible. That is a gift. He loves you and appreciates everything you do.. and it shows."
I'm sad.. for my dad, for my mom... for me, my kids. I want to go down and be there, let him know what he means to me before he dies. A hand held. A look. All that's taken for granted.
