I told him that he was going to have to file as I wasn't the one wanting the divorce and that when he did file it was to be because he was in an adulterous relationship. I am a Registered Nurse and most definitely have a job with benefits. He got fired from his back in February and hasn't found another one since. He does computer odd jobs on the side. He was pleased that in April he was able to make $600. I made that working Easter Sunday. He doesn't have any of my income. He is living on his own at the gym. He is paying the two credit card bills that are in his name, his new to him truck payment, the money he borrowed from his dad to move out, his food, the difference between the electric and water at the gym where he is staying, and I am sure my ex bestfriend is slipping him money and paying for all their dates. He's got it good. No reason in hell to want to come back. Being with me means being responsible, being a father to 3 children, and working on a relationship. Right now, he has no responsibilities, goes out partying, hangs out with the guys at the gym, and with the OW at concerts. It's laughable, but it's a life he is happy with. He was telling me repeatedly how happy he is now and how he hated showing me how happy he was when I would attempt to talk to him prior to the huge blowout. His final parting words to me as the OW drove off with him in her car was that he left because he was going to kill himself because of me. Melodramatic much? I admit to not being as interested in his interests as I could be. I admit to asking him millions of times what was wrong and what we could do to fix things and him coming up with a million and one reasons and I was never one of them until he decided he had someone else and he was ready to go.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
I want everyone to realize that just because I come back to post often in this thread doesn't mean that I am not listening to your advice. I am doing a lot of self introspection and in doing so am working on me. Which is all about DB, right?
The weekend before my husband left we were talking and I finally figured out that maybe this whole time that he was trying to change and failing that I needed to change as well. I told him that I wanted to change. This shook him to the very core and you could see him struggling in his mind over this. He even went so far as to tell me that I had thrown something out there that he never contemplated. That maybe it was me that needed to change. The next day however, I was right back to my nagging. Telling him how he should feel and how I was right and what he felt was wrong. Not exactly changing my behavior was I? This cemented in his mind that he had to go. Me pleading, begging, and crying further cemented this. It was all about how he was making me feel. How he was hurting the kids. Guilt, guilt, and more guilt. This pushed him even further out the door. The times I have put my feelings aside and validated his. The times that I have looked outside of myself to see his hurt have all been the times that he has opened himself up a bit and left me confused. His very words have been, "I know I don't want to be with you right now." are a testament to this. I continued to prove to him that I haven't changed. I haven't listened to him tell me he needed space and to be away from me. I've tried to push my agenda on him and prove that I love him. All in the wrong ways. Typical me! I'm still having a difficult time believing that me detaching and not pursuing is what I need to do to make this relationship have any sort of possibility, but it is what I need to do to change and give him what he needs. The old adage about letting something go and if it's meant to be is true, but with a caveat. You have to let it go because it's the right thing to do for them and in order to love them you have to be able to be altruistic. It's going to hurt like hell and will bring you to your knees, but this selfless love is necessary if you ever want to be the person you are supposed to be and make the changes necessary in yourself.
I have to be honest and say I am so scared that I am going to change and it won't matter to him and my relationship with him will be over, but the truth of the matter is I need to change regardless of what it does in this relationship. I need to change to be that better me that will attract the right relationships in my life whatever they may be.
I am sad that it took the love of my life leaving me for me to finally understand so much about myself and my roles in all of my relationships in the past, but it is a necessary hurt and I thank him for having the strength to walk away. What he did was not easy even though I have told him over and over that he took the easy way out. Putting up with hurt for a very long time and not feeling that you have the right to hurt and finally being able to take a stand and realize that you deserve better is not easy. It has totally given me a new respect for my husband. I wish him nothing but happiness. He deserves it and I hope he finds it whatever it may be.
You have just captured the very essence of DB. Congratulations. It is so hard to "get it." I promise that now that you have things will get better for you. Grow. Give yourself that gift.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
I typed that before I found out about the other woman and funny that I hadn't gone back and read it. At first, I wanted to think that it didn't apply any more because the affair changed things in my mind. Now, I realize it is still the core of why he left. Regardless of how he chose to do it. I don't want to go back to being the person I was. Which is why I wrote him the apology letter after I freaked out on him. I do wish that he would have had the strength to walk away without having back up, but that is proof that he is only so strong. I do wish him happiness. I do still love him, but I have always known that I could live without him. I'm a life in progress, but as long as I continue to learn from my mistakes and continue to try, I will never be a failure.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
"This shook him to the very core and you could see him struggling in his mind over this. He even went so far as to tell me that I had thrown something out there that he never contemplated. That maybe it was me that needed to change. The next day however, I was right back to my nagging. Telling him how he should feel and how I was right and what he felt was wrong. Not exactly changing my behavior was I? This cemented in his mind that he had to go. Me pleading, begging, and crying further cemented this. It was all about how he was making me feel."
1st point.
How did you know he was "struggling in his mind over this.".. you knew it before he said anything?
"It was all about how he was making me feel."
It always is. For him too by the way.. he is just acting on it. He is acting on it in a way that is unacceptable to you.
This shook you to the very core. Yes I used your words.
How can 2 people that have very different perspectives.. shake each others core?
"I typed that before I found out about the other woman."
Is this a deal breaker? Simple yes or no will do.
"I do wish him happiness."
Explain this some more. Give your best "Emotional" response that you can.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
When I originally wrote this, he had a look of confusion on his face. I believe I read a lot into it. When I told him that maybe it was me that needed to change, I think now that it gave him an out and a reason for his affair. To be honest, I don't want to try to mind read any more.
Unsure what you are asking in regard to two people with very different perspectives shaking each other's core?? Explain?
No it is not a deal breaker or I wouldn't still be here.
I want him to be happy regardless of whether or not that happiness includes me. I, of course, would love his happiness to include me, but I love him enough to let him go if his happiness is something he can only have without me.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Let's see if I can put this down so it makes sense. When I told him that maybe I needed to change he got this look of confusion on his face. It was like an epiphany type look. It was like, Oh so maybe after all this time of me trying to change she says she needs to change. The more he thought about it, the more that became his reason for cheating (his justification). He was then able to say that he had tried changing for so long and all along he wasn't the one needing to change. I had admitted that it was me that needed to change.
Nothing I did or didn't do is a reason for him to have had an affair, but he needs to find his justification in order to feel okay with it. He said he found someone who listened to him when he didn't feel like he could talk to me. He said he didn't feel like he had the right to be upset or depressed about anything due to the fact my health was compromised and he really didn't have a reason to be depressed because of me, but that he was depressed. He said he felt like I would get angry and not listen. Which to be honest toward the end of our relationship I did get angry and not listen. It's hard to feel sympathy for someone when you yourself are in so much pain, but still going and working 12 hour shifts and your spouse sits on his butt playing video games, playing on his computer, and rarely cleans, and has claimed for 3.5 years that he is trying, but being a daddy and cleaning a house is hard (children are 10, 14, and 16 and clean the house and feed themselves). It was like a competition about who was more ill.
How do I mimic that statement about his happiness? I have no idea other than to be happy myself. I can't make him happy. I am coming to the realization that after 3.5 years of me trying that that was something that he was going to have to do. He is the one in charge of his happiness. All I can do is step aside and hope he figures out how to get there.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
You are in good hands when Forest starts asking you questions. He makes you think and really get beyond the hurt and pain. You have to know how you feel, what you want, what you want to do next.
All good stuff!
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
He's got it good. No reason in hell to want to come back. Being with me means being responsible, being a father to 3 children, and working on a relationship. Right now, he has no responsibilities, goes out partying, hangs out with the guys at the gym, and with the OW at concerts. It's laughable, but it's a life he is happy with. He was telling me repeatedly how happy he is now and how he hated showing me how happy he was when I would attempt to talk to him prior to the huge blowout. His final parting words to me as the OW drove off with him in her car was that he left because he was going to kill himself because of me. Melodramatic much? I admit to not being as interested in his interests as I could be. I admit to asking him millions of times what was wrong and what we could do to fix things and him coming up with a million and one reasons and I was never one of them until he decided he had someone else and he was ready to go.